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female
,
*utdgirl
writes: Is "I wasn't happy so therefore I don't think we will be happy in the future" a good enough reason to break up after 5 years and buying a flat together? I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend and we were happily planning a year travelling around the world for next year. Then he suddenly said he wanted to break up for the reason above, leaving me shocked and devaststed. He said he still loves me, cares for me and is still physically attracted to me but doesn't want to hurt me even more by having to break up when we are married or have children (his dad then mum walked out on him as a child). He has moved out of the flat but barely taken anything and is kipping on people's sofas. This is all hurting me a great deal but I still feel if we still love each other we can find happiness again. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2006): First off, is that you can't change people's feelings and attitudes, but you can change your own, and that is the way to deal with a problem like this.
Often, when people split up, they are in a state of denial, as you are.
If your boyfriend doesn't want to be with you anymore then there really isn't much you can do but you should try to speak to him. Catch up with him and start a friendly conversation, because by the sound of it, he still wants to be friends.
Try saying to him that you understand if he doesn't want to be with you anymore, but you would appreciate a more detailed explanation for him finishing it. You should also say that you still love him and if he feels the same then you see no reason why it won't work. Maybe he will respect you for being so patient.
If he doesn't and he turns you down, then you have to move on, even if it's hard. It will be difficult and you will miss him for a long time, but you will eventually start to move on in life. You can get out there and find other boyfriends who you will settle with and can enjoy a long period of your life with, even if your not ready yet, you will be soon when your heart has mended.
You are very lucky in the fact that your boyfriend is still being nice to you. Lots of people don't have that, so I think you should feel very happy in that respect.
You say that you feel that you could still build a relationship on these foundations, and that is only possible if he feels the way and you have to understand that and respect his feelings. Love cannot exist if it is all one-sided.
I think you can still have a good friendship here if it doesn't work out, so whatever happens, this man is always going to be here for you. xXx
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