A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:About four months ago I broke up with a girl i had been seeing for around the same amount of time, four months. She ended things with me. She had many great qualities, she was sweet, interesting, beautiful, she was Spanish but spoke many languages which I thought was great. She encouraged me to learn Spanish, something which I'm still doing. She also had some other less attractive qualities but overall I really liked her a lot. More than anyone for quite some time. She ended the relationship because she said she felt like she had too much baggage/drama, and she didn't want to cause me any problems. I knew she had moved to the UK with an abusive boyfriend in January this year, and by late March early April, they had split and we started seeing each other. She and her boyfriend still worked together though, but apparently were kept seperate at work (hence the drama/baggage etc.). When she split up with me, I didn't protest anywhere near as much as I should have. The reason for this is because I knew she had problems with her previous partner(s) so I didn't want to upset her further. So I told her I understood and to look after herself, and call me if she needed anything.Since then we haven't spoken. But I keep thinking about her. Even though we were only together 4 months. I want to send her a text, maybe at Christmas but I don't know why or if it's even a good idea. I just don't think I'll meet anyone else like her again. She was amazing in some ways. I live in a pretty rural area, and a lot of friends have moved away recently, making my dating opportunities pretty slim. I guess I'm just feeling kinda lonely. Should I message her? I've tried to forget about her but can't for some reason.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2019): [EDIT]:
"It is also unfair, because rebound-feelings can change on a dime!"
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2019): My suspicion is she may be returning to that abusive-boyfriend. I don't think it would be a good idea to message her; because it may provoke him. Not that it's any of his business! She may still be dealing with bringing that part of her life to closure; and too many players in that drama could cause even more complications.
Don't be a hero! She broke it off for reasons she felt too personal to go into more detail. Her explanation seemed pretty vague!
It's too soon after a breakup for her to be emotionally-involved in another romantic-relationship. She has to deal with the past-trauma inflicted on her emotionally; and tie-up loose-ends that would only cause a lot of confusion and misunderstanding. Being one woman in-between the competing-egos of two men! She could be rebounding, and her vulnerabilities and raw-emotions will affect her better judgement. Maybe she realizes things might be moving too fast with you! I would agree, if that's the case. You're a bit intense to only have known her this short period of time!
She probably has to contend with his jealousy, badgering, and possible refusal to move-on. She may be having second-thoughts about leaving him. Abusive-men are often very persuasive and/or persistent at convincing women to take them back. She can't easily detach her feelings in the short-span of four to eight months! Be realistic!
If she hadn't broken-up so recently, and wasn't in such close-proximity to her ex; you would stand a better chance of not becoming a part of a triangle.
I speculate that there's unfinished-business, and you would only get hurt. Inadvertently causing her more trouble than she may be capable of handling so soon after leaving an abusive situation. She wouldn't feel completely at-ease being around men; and it would be very hard for her to trust you. Her sweetness and vulnerability makes her all the more alluring; but she needs time to rebuild her strength, and recover from whatever type of abuse he has inflicted on her. It is unwise to swing from one relationship right into another. It is also unfair, because rebound-feelings can change on dime!
You may cause her more trauma and stress; when you place her in a position of having conflicted-feelings. Which her ex is probably doing at the same-time! Then throw in family-problems, work, finances, and being displaced. She's not a citizen of the UK!
Try and be understanding. I think you might open a can of worms; even with something as innocent as a holiday greeting. Respect her privacy, and try to control your feelings. You didn't know her that long! In truth, you don't know her at all! Apparently she was trying to get it across to you that she has too much baggage to deal with, to really be the best of herself. If that wasn't the case, she wouldn't have called it off. Baggage gets in the way, it creates a whole new set of problems; with a different person. She would be distracted with post-breakup flashbacks, feel pressured to have sex, and he's still fresh on her mind.
This is an adult-issue; so you must handle it like an adult!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 December 2019):
 You could wish her a Merry Christmas and then leave it up to HER if she wants to have any kind of conversation going.
However, if you do that because you are lonely you are using this woman as entertainment, is that ever OK? Wanting to be friends with NO ulterior motive CAN be OK. But Id venture a guess that you hope my talking to her that perhaps you can rekindle what you had. Which would be a mistake, she ended it because SHE wanted to end it. Regardless of whatever excuse she had for ending it.
The only downside to that... is, while you DO that... you might not be working on moving on and be ready and open to meet someone else.
So if you feel lonely, you have friends who you can talk to, even if they have moved away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2019): There is no harm in telling her how you feel but don’t expect her to reciprocate your feelings. Perhaps send her a message to let her know that you are still thinking about her but if she doesn’t respond then don’t keep bombarding her. She may have ended it for reasons other than those that she told you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2019): Through reading your message I was really confused. Because it didn't sound like you really liked her all that much. You think she had good qualities and some flaws. OK. Doesn't sound like the stuff of romance or burning passion. Then I got to the last bit. You're just lonely. You're afraid of being alone. Don't message someone just because you're lonely and dating opportunities are scarce right now. It's not fair on her. She's been through enough without being someone's back up.
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