A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I dumped my ex about three weeks ago. Let me tell you why, he started saying he doesn't know how much longer we would be together because he doesn't like being chained down all the time. I took that as him saying he wants to see other people. I asked him if he wanted to break up he said no, let's work on it. He never tried, he jut went out partying with a bunch of his guy friends and some girls and he would barely text me. So I dumped him and said we can still be friends. He texted me two weeks after that and we had awkward but nice small talk. Catching up. Now ill admit I didn't have all my stuff together when we were dating and he didnt like that, but now I do and he knows it. We've been texting eachother like 3 or 2 times a week. On Saturday night he asked me to hangout, i said yes. We went to his house and he started cuddling me and hugging me like a lost kid that found his mommy. When I looked at him he kissed me and it turne into passionate sex. And he said he still loves me. But, he didnt say anything about wanting to try again. When I got home i told him we aren't doing the friends with benefits thing, and he said ofcourse not. We still talk but not about our relationship. Help, I'm confused as to what he wants! :( I know we broke up for a good reason but there's no doubt in my mind that we still love an care for eachother. I just need some kind of advice. :/
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2013): I think he wants to get back together BUT he wants you to change and not make him feel "chained down all the time."
That smothered feeling comes out when a couple is together a lot. Since the break up he hasn't been around you as much therefore he feels more positive about you and wants to get back together. But if you start to make him feel chained down again then he will want to break up again. I think he just wants more space in the relationship.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 August 2013):
 This is where it went wrong:
"So I dumped him and said we can still be friends."
No. That's the problem. When you dump him, that should be it. You don't stay friends with exes. That blocks you from moving on and is unhealthy, as you're now seeing.
You are in a FWB. That means no strings attached. You had sex with no commitment. You did the deed before having the talk, so any words are worthless at this point...UNLESS the words are "We're done." and then break off contact.
As long as you have contact with this guy, you'll be here in this place, having sex and then feeling guilty and used and lonely. Never be friends with exes. Never promise "just friends" with exes.
Leave him behind for good.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): Having sex with you proves nothing about how he feels.
He wants to be with you again when he is willing to commit to ONLY you. Nothing else he says or does overrides that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): "he said he still loves me."
Don't believe what he says, believe what he does.
"When I got home i told him we aren't doing the friends with benefits thing . . ."
If you're still putting out for an ex, then you ARE doing the friends with benefits thing.
". . . and he said of course not."
Don't believe what he says, believe what he does.
"Help, I'm confused as to what he wants!"
He wants regular and frequent no-strings sex without obligation or commitment strictly for his pleasure at his convenience, and he will tell you anything you want to hear (i. e., he still loves you and of course he's not doing the friends with benefits thing) as a means to achieve that end.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): Your breakup is only a few weeks old, and the sex is convenient.
He doesn't have to go out and look for it. You showed up and just handed it to him. You can't just go back and forth just because he missed the sex.
There are emotions involved and you didn't change a life-time of being who you are suddenly over a few weeks. Who do you think you're kidding?
Missing the comfort of your relationship, is normal. It's when all the old behavior resurfaces when the euphoria wears off.
It's like meeting for the first time, because you were apart a few weeks. The emotions are typical; like you just got back from a trip, and you see each other after the break. The problems subside, until you no longer miss each other. Then back to reality.
You are only afraid of moving on. He is uncomfortable about being suddenly dumped. However; he got a taste of freedom for a few of weeks; and it was pretty much trouble-free.
Unless you both change, you're going to suffer a series of breakups; and getting back together.
It's pretty much an indication you're afraid to deal with the loneliness of separation after a breakup; even though you really can't mend the problems that forced you to breakup. He's a man, and he got horny after a few weeks.
You both are burying the issues that broke the relationship and letting sex cloud the reality of your unresolved differences. Things will be okay for a few days, maybe weeks. You'll fight, and you'll finally decide to face the reality of things.
The prognosis:
You'll pretend everything is okay and convince yourselves you can work it out without really changing. He's really tired of the relationship, and he had a little taste of freedom.
You haven't had sufficient time; nor taken the opportunity to change what it is that broke you up. So you'll fight and break up again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): Anything is possible if you want to work at it. Maybe you should both go for counseling together. It could be that he has a fear of commitment, that's a possibility. Don't just settle for the friends with benefits thing, if it doesn't
work out you will get hurt. I don't doubt that it was great between the two of you, but you need space and so does he.
You don't have to decide anything right away, but remember you are very young so there is no rush.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (31 July 2013):
Well if you want some advice it’s this: love doesn’t conquer all. Maybe you do love and care for each other, but your relationship ended because what you both wanted couldn’t be reconciled. Meeting up may stir up all kinds of emotions, but having sex because there are still feelings there, doesn’t fix anything and just makes this more painful and difficult for you both. You can’t go back to being friends, it’s clear that won’t work. It’s in both of your interests now to wish each other well, keep your distance and go your separate ways.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, My Name +, writes (31 July 2013):
You two must decide together if the reason to break up is bigger than the love you feel for each other. Also, if this reason, would not affect the health of your future relationship. However, what happened might be a "post break up" sex and he said he loves you to "score". Think of you first, the day you put your necessities, what makes you feel good behind what you really deserve, such as respect and a loyal lover, you won't be loving yourself.
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