A
female
age
36-40,
*rownieduck
writes:I just got broken up with and I'm really ambivalent. I was seeing my ex for about 4 months and it was like the love of my life. He sought me out: asked my number, initiated the dates, said he loved me first, and seemed to be in the relationship for the long haul. Things moved pretty fast and felt really serious. We would have small miscommunications and I think we both were secretly really frustrated with small things but didn't try to work it out. Then one day he shows up with a bag of my stuff and says we're over. He'd said before he usually tries to stay single but that it had felt right with me; I guess suddenly it didn't anymore. At first I was really upset at him and then I agreed it was the right thing. I do think if we worked through our separate issues we could be really happy though.He shut me out for a few days but just started talking to me again the other night. He sent me a thing saying he cares about me a lot but needs to figure out how to be happy in a relationship and still wants to be friends. We talked online a bit last night, mostly small talk but he also tried to find out who I took in his place to an event we'd planned on going to together. The contact and the comment he made give me hope that he's trying to maintain an active connection with me (not just be friends to alleviate guilt). Since we weren't friends before dating and did not date horribly long, it makes me think he's not totally done with me. I want to encourage him to consider trying again (and to tackle his personal issues, preferably beforehand) because it was such a special connection, even though it was 4 months it felt more intense than any other, including one that lasted several years. I'm afraid if we make too much online small talk it will wear thin, so I think I should keep that to a minimum, does that sound like a good idea? I am considering asking him to hang out in person in a few weeks to a month after we've both cooled off.I know sometimes guys use a line to get out of a relationship, but it didn't seem like the passion had burnt out and I think it could be brought back at some point. How do I avoid being brushed aside and forgotten like a failed experiment? I don't want to end up feeling pathetic like I'm stalking him either, just want to keep some level of connection alive. He works at my grocery store and we re-friended on facebook the other day, but like I said, I don't want to be creepy, I just want to encourage him. I have no intention of putting my life on hold, either. I just want to maximize a possibility.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 February 2011):
 I think that you are making the right decision and I think too that he does wants you back, but for the wrongs reasons, exactly like you said. At least on this , we agree :)
As for my comment being " judgemental " - I think you may equivocate. I did not say - or mean - that yours was not a "real " relationship meaning that you were hearing voices like st.Joan of Arc, or that your experience was void of intensity or enthusiasm ( albeit, the enthusiasm must have been a bit more on your side- otherwise you would not be posting this today ). But , passion and eagerness and a big burst of enthusiasm do not a relationship make , in lack of real compatibility, good communication and a conscious willingness to make it work ,regardless of differences. In lack of that,it's more like ... an experiment with fire :a bright, exciting flame, that it will burn till it burns - with at least one of the two partners having no skills, and no intention , to keep the flame alive.
But- definitions are always reductive, and words are.. just words. However you call this thing you had . relationship or love or fling , whatever.... the positive thing is that you are realizing it's not making you happy and it's not what you want at the moment.
A
female
reader, brownieduck +, writes (22 February 2011):
brownieduck is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, I am losing my interest in restoring it because I think he would probably only want me back for wrong reasons like jealousy or missing the physical aspect...if he had been really in love with me he wouldn't have broken it off so easily or would have had more consideration for my feelings than just dropping the breakup on me and running away. I think I am gonna just let this one go because it's not good for me, and maybe if he seeks me out and is a changed man someday I will consider revisiting this, but not before. And even though I love him, I think I could find someone who would treat me better because they wouldn't have these issues and wouldn't be intimidated by me (I'm 23 and halfway through law school while he's working retail and taking CC courses at 29, and he demonstrated some controlling behavior that suggested to me he needed to feel powerful and superior). So I'm thinking I ought to just put it behind me because even though I care about him, he's just not looking out for my feelings as a "friend."
P.S. CindyCares, what you said about it not being a real relationship was very judgmental and I certainly did not make up the nature of our courtship in my head. We both put lots of energy and enthusiasm (we essentially cohabited and bonded like crazy the entire time) into what was a very intense, if brief, relationship.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 February 2011):
Yes,this is a line, a time honoured one. Not to "get out of the relationship " , but to keep you around just in case - to keep you keen and at his disposal ,at his casual terms and conditions. It's an exercise in " I eat my cake and keep it too "- he is tryng to keep an active connection, but probably not for the reasons you think.
This is a guy who made no mistery about his love for the single life, and dumped unceremoniously after only 4 months, that may seem a lot to you due to the intensity of your emotions, but actually does not even qualify as a relationship, more just as an experiment.
A failed experiment, since he is back to his status of single, and he "does not know how to be happy in a relationship " . But - he want you to be " friends ".Have him explain exactly what kind of friendship he has in mind,- I am pretty sure it's more along the lines of a friendship with benefits...
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