A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 19, my ex boyfriend is 20. We were together for 3 years but in January I broke up with him because I felt trapped and I needed to be single to figure myself out. We had an awesome relationship though. We were best friends, we laughed all the time, we worked out our problems and forgave each other. It was never a dull moment with him. When we broke up It was hard, because I hated hurting him, after a while though I knew I made the right choice and I was feeling fine until the other night when our mutual friend and him all decided to see a show at a local club together. It would have been fine but he brought another girl and was dancing with her. This hurt a lot and the next night I called him to see if we could get back together. I was 100% sure I wanted him back at the time. Yesterday morning we spent the whole day together and it was beautiful. It was just like old times. We laughed the whole day I said I wanted to move in together, start a life together, I was so sure. But that night as we were lying together watching a movie I realized that the feelings I had about wanting to leave were coming back. I tried to force them away. A life together would be fine! We could do whatever we wanted! But no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get the looming feelings to go away.When I went home I couldn't sleep. I figured everything out. Maybe It wasn't just that I wanted to be single. Maybe I just didn't love him. It makes me angry. I just want to be able to love him like he loves me! I just want to be able to return the deep love he has for me!! but no matter how hard i tried I could not. This morning I had to call him and tell him I was all wrong and i made a huge mistake, and we can't be together. I just hurt him a second time. I can't live with myself for doing this to him. He was so happy. He was ecstatic. I'm realizing now that he was more of a security blanket for me than a lover. He made me feel safe and comfortable, but I still care about him so much. I wish I could love him so he could be happy. I want that future with him so badly but i cant get myself to stay with him. Is there anyway to make your self love someone? How can I get through this guilt? Do you think we could ever have another chance together? I want him to be happy more than anything. I don't want us to be over.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): You're heading down a dark road... Overanalysing and obsessing about what you've done to him. YES you've broke his heart on more than one occasion but while you're writhing in turmoil, like the last poster said you're also twisting the knife around in his wound... Do you truly want him to be happy? Or just happy with you? I mean if he wanted to up and leave and go travelling, or on some wild pursuit of his dreams would you be happy to go with him? Or just be happy for him? You recognise that that ecstasy and complete devotion to you puts you high up there in heaven... And you do feel deep guilt. But you're human and you've made a destructive mistake. I don't think it's constructive for either you or him to still pursue him at this stage. Have a cool off, a reflection of who you are, what you want, who you truly want to be. Write down these thoughts and feelings. Remember that the right thing to do is often very hard. Maybe in the future, MAYBE but you need to step back for now.Take care n good luck x
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 April 2014):
 Poor kid, leave him alone. No to twist the knife in your wound, but... you already broke his heart twice, and even if he were so dumb to risk a third fiasco, - be generous and don't tempt him to do that.
No, you can't make yourself love someone *romantically*. You love him already in other ways. You appreciate him, you admire him, you are fond of him, you want to see him happy. Just , you don't love him as a lover, more as the good person and excellent friend he has been.
You do want a happy, secure love future - who does not want that ?... Only, you want the happiness and the security and the stability and the feeling of being cherished and loved above all other women- just not by HIM,
by someone else . Maybe he is a good guy but there was not enough chemistry, you wanted more pizzazz, more mystery, more excitement, more " wow ! " factor.. it may sound shallow and superficial, but , at your age, it's totally natural and inevitable, I'd say. Every age and stage of life values things that may not result nearly as important sooner, or later on. So when you start at age 16 doing the dutiful wifey of a very good guy, it may happen what happened to you, the guy is still very good after a while, but it's the whole experience that's luckluster and feels limiting.
Ok, so- now you know. You want to fall in love, to be in love- not just to " love " a man because he treats you well and he deserves it.Nothing particularly wtong with that, maybe it's unavoidable - but STOP with the security blanket thing, stop with the dog-in-the-manger thing ( you felt interested again as soon as you saw him with another girl, what a coincidence :) , stop with wanting to keep your cake and eat it too.
So wish him well, and let him go definitely, once for all. I think that only if you both move on completely , you both can be luckier next time around.
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