A
female
age
51-59,
*uvlorn
writes:Crossroads and a "gentle ultimatum"?So, I have written before (and so appreciate the advice and comments from a caring community, TY!) about my 2+ year relationship with a man who says he doesn't know what he wants, whom I love, whom I believe loves me... we yo-yo back n forth, him unable to commit fully, yet never letting me go either. Well,it's TIME to "cut bait or fish" as they say, and scared as I am, I really am ready to force his hand (gently) and get on with my life one way or another, rather than continuing to live in "Limbo". Here's what's going on now... he "broke up with me" a month ago, but continued to chat and flirt and acted sooo sad, inviting me to do things, not wanting me to go. We exchanged things left at each other's homes and although I resisted he lured me into bed and didn't retreat immediately, instead was caring and tender... then he seemed distant a few days later. He has asked to see me again and I have resisted, arguing that he needs to figure things out. He says he is reading and thinking and trying. We've been away from each other over a week now, not by choice, but due to hectic work schedules and kids' events, etc. We have talked and argued and flirted some- yo-yoing still. He has asked to see me Tuesday when he returns from work and I agreed. He said "to talk", but I feel everything has been said- it's up to him now. The plan I have... I intend instead of talking to just "relax" (which he begs me to do), NOT discuss "the relationship", and just ENJOY one another's company and bodies...remind him of how good we CAN be, essentially. THEN, we will part company and I will leave him with a card, a train ticket, hotel information and itinerary of activities for a weekend getaway I have already purchased (with lots of things he enjoys), and the choice of joining me OR letting me go once and for all- a "gentle ultimatum".The Card...(outside): “At every crossroad,Follow your DREAM.It is courageousTo let your HEARTLead the way”- Leland Thomas(Inside):Dear XXXX,Crossroad… living in limbo doesn’t work anymore. Dream… winning your heart.Courage… asking, without pushing, for final clarity.Heart… inviting you to join me on the continuingjourney.This weekend I am going away- a much needed break torejuvenate, think, and pamper myself. Enclosed is a ticket for you, should you choose to join me on the road. No answer is needed now… think about it and decide.If you don’t show, I’ll know, and move forward.If you come, you’ll say a volume without a word andmake me a happy girl, traveling forward into a newera…Together!Love, XXXENCLOSED...Train ticket, hotel info, brochures of activities and the following typed: itinerary and information on trip details, plus:"PLAN A:Relaxing train ride, doing puzzles together, playing cards, snacking, snuggling under a blanket playing “touchy feely”, perhaps even joining the “mile LONG club” in the bathroom! LOLRolling around a King sized bed in a luxurious hotel suite, soaking in the big marble bathtub, watching movies, sleeping in, and having TONS of sex- “hotel sex”!!!Exploring the railroad memorabilia, shops, restaurants, of Union Station, riding the light rail around town, enjoying great live music and food at the Blue’s Festival, (possibly drinking lots of RUM!!!), taking in a ballgame, maybe seeing other sites… just having FUN, enjoying one another’s company and bodies, talking and sharing, but mostly just RELAXING for a weekend together alone, returning with clarity and better understanding, happy together. PLAN B:A train ride alone, taking the time and space to “absorb” my new path, reading, sleeping, thinking, writing.Pampering myself in the luxurious hotel suite, lounging in the middle of the big bed, soaking in the tub, watching movies, sleeping in.Exploring the sites, enjoying the music, getting a hold of my future plans, allowing myself to grieve and pout and work through things, creating a plan for a new life moving forward on my own, determining what I want, being good to myself for myself, by myself. Maybe putting myself out there- a fling with a stranger? (JK- LOL) Returning refreshed, putting the past behind me, strengthened to resist falling back into the yo-yo pattern and back to my full life, accepting that the life I have is without you."And so,I will leave this for him and wait and SEE what happens, holding my breath... taking a gamble, dangling a carrot, wanting the crossroads to lead MY way, but prepared to get on with the journey alone if need be. THOUGHTS???
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male
reader, duce00 +, writes (29 August 2007):
 Well luvlorn welcome to the human condition. I think most everbody on this site has felt like a fool over a relationship at some point. It is hard to let go of what all those moments appeared to be leading up to but thats exactly what you have to do. Let go. Its a tough pill my dear but just swallow it and chalk up another life lesson learned. You WILL be stronger once you get through this. Thats a promise!
A
female
reader, luvlorn +, writes (29 August 2007):
luvlorn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here...
presented him w/the trip surprise and he had excuses for not going... guess there's my answer... further talk gave me honesty that he cares for me and enjoys being with me but is not in love with me... wants to be w/ me but knows he cannot give me what I want. I believe that's a CHOICE- "won't", not "can't" and left... going to try to move on, but oh so hard... 2 YEARS and a whole lot invested, BUT if he says he doesn't feel it he doesn't, right? (despite all the time, tenderness, significant events shared from vacations to holidays to extended family all involved to being present by invitation at birth of his grandchild... guess none of that matters. Says it's not me, it's him... but beating self up, not feeling "good enough", doubting and questioning, walked away BUT still can't help but consider compromising further, staying and enjoying what we dooo have as he wants that, hoping against hope it will come in MORE time... Ohhh, what a fool I am... *sigh*
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (27 August 2007):
I can tell you have really thought this through. I bet you play a mean game of chess because you have accounted for all the variables. I dont feel like I have the best advice but maybe because its so simple it might be valuable.
Stop being intimate till you know whats going on.
I have had problem with this one myself. If your sharing those close moments your getting distracted, not getting closer to the heart of the matter. You can love somebody but that doesnt mean they are "the one". Ive learned that one the hard way myself.
Oh and PS: Try not to let youself become his personal yo-yo thats a bad pattern. I can tell you love him but dont let him get into stringing you along because of that. Toying with people is an act of extreme selfishness and those are tough people to have any kind of relationship with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2007): I think that is so romantic what you did. No one has ever done that for me. I don't know you guys' relationship but if someone did that for me I would just totally MELT! You are so thoughtful. But I am not your bf!Ok you asked for honest opinions so here I go. If you knew he was all into you, then I would put the sex thing. But if you guys are unsure and don't know where you stand(which you say you don't), I would probably be a little more "proud" about giving it up or saying that I am going to. You know what I mean? The only other thing is that when a guy is unsure about you, and you still go out of your way to show them that you care, sometimes it has the effect of turning them off more. Why? I don't know. I mean I think he is retarded if he doesn't go. It sounds lovely. But that is just how men are.Also, guys usually like to be the pursuer. And they don't usually like to be pursued. So even though he will be so flattered, in the back of his mind he might just be a little turned off by your "going out of your way" type of interest in him. Not because a woman shouldn't do nice things for her bf, you know, the guy who knows what he wants and that he adores you. But he is not that person and he knows he doesn't deserve it. So it might even kind of scare him a bit. I think he might go with you, but I don't think it is going to change his mind. If that is what you want the only way you can have someone realise they love you is to just let them go and let them miss you. That is the ONLY way. In your case, absence makes the heart grow fonder. That's it.
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