A
female
age
36-40,
*lizawarder
writes:My boyfriend, well now ex, and i have been together for about a year and a half. He has always had a female friend who i have always felt quite uncomfortable about as he would always meet up with her without telling me, spend alot of time with her, and talk to her about alot of things he wont talk to me about. He even came home and had a matching tattoo with her, and i still hadnt met her. i eventually got the courage to tell him that his relationship with her was making me feel a bit uncomfortable as i had never met her and i didnt understand why he was so secretive about her when i have met all his other female friends who i get on well with. he has paid no attention to how i feel and i found out last night that he was with her when he told me he was with someone else.. i broke up with him today as it is just really getting me down, but when we spoke on the phone he said he had told his friends and that they were 'disgusted' with me for making him pick between a friend and me - something i havent ever given him an ultimatum of!our relationship has been rocky for a while anyway, we have broken up before because of other things he has done and taken responsibility for. is this kind of relationship normal? im not jealous because i think they're sleeping together, im jealous because he has the relationship with her he should have with me. after his remarks about what his friends said i am beggining to get paranoid that i am irrational or i am unreasonable? i need an outsiders honest opinion as i am at such a loss
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female
reader, elizawarder +, writes (17 January 2009):
elizawarder is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all alot for your help. its hard to hear and difficult to come to terms with but you are most likely all right, really appreciate the support
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): I agree with 2old4this. The guy has feelings for this girl. He was being secretive because he has not dealt with his feelings for her properly and doesn't want to go into details of that with you.
I will give you an example. I was with a guy for over 4 years. I broke up with him because I had to move away and I needed space from the relationship. Maybe deep down I still had feelings for him but I thought in general I was over it.
Anyway, my ex still wanted to stay friends with me for some reason even though I live on the other side of the country from him. When I saw him again recently (for the first time since we broke up) - we got together (had sex). He told me that since I still did work for him on his website that any girl he ever dated knew about me and that he and I were still friends and talk on the phone. He told them that if they didn't his friendship with me that they could take a hike. He said he didn't care whether I was a man or a woman, I was his good friend and he cared about me a lot and was not going to give me up because a new girl in his life didn't want him to talk to me.
I later came to find out from his family that they think he still very much has feelings for me and never actually moved on even though he was dating 1 girl for a few months and considered being her boyfriend. But that didn't work out for whatever reason and now he and I are talking several times a day again, just like when we were dating.
So I have to say in your situation, it seems like he really deeply cares about her and probably does wish that was his girlfriend... secretly.
You must follow your instincts and go with what your gut tells you. His friends probably defended him and that girl because maybe they know he has secret feelings for her and they want him to be happy or they feel like my ex-boyfriend feels - friends come first.
It is wise of you that you broke it off. He would only have made you feel like second choice. Please go out and find yourself a man who is "emotionally" open and available to you and who will put your relationship with him first!
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A
female
reader, shaashiie  +, writes (17 January 2009):
 No, it's not really normal. I mean the relationship he has with her could be normal if he didn't have a girlfriend or if he let you meet her and you were also on good terms with her. The whole tattoo thing though, I wouldn't even get a matching tattoo with MY boyfriend, let alone a guy who was just a friend. Hey, maybe they are really just very close friends, but that wouldn't explain why he lies to you about hanging out with her and why you've never even met her after you've been with him for so long. He's probably lying to you about when he hangs out with her because he knows it will upset you, but that doesn't make it ok. He shouldn't be doing things behind your back that he knows you wouldn't approve of, especially involving another female.
You were right to end it, and as for what he has told his friends and what they think about you, that just shows his true colors. If he wants to exagerrate or lie to his friends about why you broke up to make himself look like the good one that's all on him. Imagine, if he told them you broke up because he was hanging out with another girl behind your back they would probably question his motives, just as you are. I know my boyfriend's friends probably would make him check himself, and if his friends condone that type of secretive behavior in a relationship, do you want a guy with friends like that? Of course a guy's friends don't necessarily determine who he is, but he's allowing them to talk badly about you about something that didn't even happen (the ultimatum), and that's just totally unfair. You don't need him, you deserve someone who puts YOU first, and now you're free to find that person.
Of course it hurts, but please don't believe you're crazy, because you're not at all. We need to get rid of the bad in our lives before the good can come in. You've taken the first step, keep your head up!
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (17 January 2009):
 I am a guy so believe this. He has strong feelings for this girl he wont deal with. He is one day hoping she and he will be together and until she finally tells him that it will never happen and she just doesnt want him that way, he will always feel that way and no other relationship will ever really work. I went through this myself and it took 15 YEARS to resolve. I'm a little extreme side, mind you, but you did the right thing. Move on now and maybe after he has grown and realized some things maybe you guys will hook back up.... if you want to by then. Go out and date and find a new guy and be happy!
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