A
female
age
41-50,
*attyc
writes:I am a female and I sometimes look at pornography, mostly because the art I make is pretty risque. I almost always am sort of detached, but it's fun work. Sometimes, but very rarely, I enjoy what I see. My fiance knows I look for reference and that I can sometimes be visually stimulated, but he believes I don't look to "get off." I know he sometimes looks at sexually exciting materials. I feel jealous when he does. But he usually does it when I am asleep. When I wake up and go to find him, sometimes he's looking at smut and often tries hiding the fact even when it's obvious. Of course my jealousy is hypocritical. But I try to only do it for my art, but he looks for the excitement. He knows it makes me uncomfortable. It's one of the few things that are difficult for us to discuss...But we openly laugh about the porn we buy together. He appreciates many of the same things I do and I know these things are bought for the artistic or fun value. What do you think about this? It's a weird situation. How unfair am I?
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female
reader, battyc +, writes (3 November 2008):
battyc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am sad to say that I acted not long after typing my question and didn't really think about what I was going to say to my fiance. I don't remember exactly what I blurted out in my rant, but think I sort of said that porn isn't to be looked at without me. While it's fun to look at it with him, it's not our style to USE it like some couples do. With this approach, the hentai mags and art books have collected dust, we're both unsure about what to do. I should have asked him if he could be more discreet about his looking, as Aunty Em suggested. I wouldn't have given him a rant and he wouldn't feel as guilty. He's a sensitive guy and I'm going to think more about how I'm going to talk to him about all of this. Thank you for your responses! They really have helped in my thinking on things so far. I don't feel as unfair, but I am a little. Just a little.
We love artistic porn but we both are jealous about each other looking at it! I doubt this will ever really, really hurt our relationship, but it's a stupid thing we're going to have to learn how to deal with.
A
female
reader, lil_miss_horror  +, writes (3 September 2008):
Your not being unfair. You've admitted that you look at similar material for the artwork you do which I'm guessing is very openly done not hidden like he is doing with you so maybe that's where the jealousy is coming from. It's not so much that your jealous of the content of what he's viewing but rather that he doesn't want to view it with you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Em +, writes (3 September 2008):
 Although you are being hypocritcal in a way, I don't think it's your fault. Nor the unfairness. Many women who's partners look at porn find themselves a little jealous - it's quite frequent. Maybe the only solution to this problem, as I don't think he'd give up the habbit, is to just ask him to limit his time spent looking at it for when you aren't around? Or at least be discreet about it.
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