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female
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anonymous
writes: I am a 33 year old single female- and I will be the first to admit- I am horrible at reading other people or understanding affairs of the heart (I’m a research scientist- therefore most of my thinking is overly analytical- I will confess). I have never been married nor have children. I have had two of serious relationships in the past- and both men I am still close friends with (one was a college boyfriend- who I loved very much, but he wanted to “move on” after college, the other, was more serious (we lived together and all)- but “came-out” as being gay). So I have been a little burned in the past- but have always done my utmost to get over this sort of thing. However, despite considering myself a relatively attractive woman- with an excellent personality etc etc , I have had horrible luck meeting men that want to be anything more than just friends (I actually have a pretty close network of men who are very good friends of mine who think nothing of me in a sexual way at all- so in a way, it wasn’t like I was just getting past the whole “let’s be friends” line and never heard from them again- which is good, I guess???). So, at 33 with very few (more like zero! Ha, ha) dating opportunities headed my way- I have ultimately given up on the idea of becoming married or having children. Which leads to a current situation I am in… for the past 5 years, I have had an incredible “crush” on a friend of mine. Which I will admit, had caused me a great deal of frustration. He, I will call him James, is very unusual in most ways. He is 40- and very much a loner-type. He hasn’t dated a woman- even casually, since his late 20’s, and despite his friendly and caring disposition, doesn’t like to get too close with anyone (friends included) (he had an emotionally and physically abusive father as a child, and I believe it has left him with some very serious trust issues- as well as having possibly damaged his self worth???). So, our friendship was always very special, we had confided things to each other we would have never told another soul- and had always jokingly wondered why we did this- never mind the constant flirting we do with each other…I didn’t want to damage our friendship, or the trust we had built by telling him how I felt. Well about one month ago, for unknown reasons, I decided to conjure up my strength and tell James how I felt (which was a huge deal for me- I never was the first to say anything like that to a man!)- and although I pretty much stuttered the whole way through it (I still wonder if I made any sense) , I did tell him I had a lot of feelings for him and cared about him a great deal- and that basically, I had over the years developed “more than friends” feelings for him. Well, James in turn answered me- stuttering just as much might I add- that he thought that it would be best if we just thought of ourselves as “best friends”, and said, “it’s not that I am against anything happening between us, I just think it’s better if we don’t put any pressure on it either, being friends is probably better anyway, since there wont be any emotional BS to deal with- which ruins everything anyway, but if something happens, it happens- lets just try not to think about it too much”. Well, I was hurt (since I had always imagined some huge big confession of love from each other when this time came-ha!) but more so confused. I couldn’t really understand entirely what he was saying to me- he was sort of “all over the place” during his answer and was clearly nervous. Since that day, everything has still been the same- actually, even better. We talk every night for at least 2-3 hours, he comes over to my apartment more often, we have made plans to take a vacation together, however, he avoids the subject of our conversation that night (not that I bring it up either- he made it pretty clear he was nervous and totally uncomfortable). He has made some references here and there- for example, the man I had lived with that is now gay- James knows him and when we are in one of our flirting bouts, he will say, “oh admit it- you still want him and you’re jealous” and I will say “no-way”, then James will then in turn say, “well, I know he doesn’t like seeing you with me- even if he is gay, he knows you like me and it bothers him a lot” and then he will sort of chuckle about it. But that is about as far as it gets…I don’t know what is up with guy or how he feels….I am so confused. I don’t mind waiting for him- if it is strictly because he does have trust issues and problems with emotional commitments, but if its just that he doesn’t feel the same way…I would just think it would be best if I learned to change my feelings for him. No one can offer any advice to me, because they are too closely involved with the both of us, and I get answers like, “well, James is a little odd- who the heck knows what he thinks” or “well maybe he does or maybe he doesn’t – he can be vague and hard to figure out.” See my point? Help help help!!! An outsider’s view is really what I need…thank you in advance…I’m going a little mental here….
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female
reader, shania  +, writes (20 November 2005):
 To put it in a nutshell i dont think you are going to get anywhere with this guy.He has made his feelings pretty clear.Think about it,he has had every opportunity to change his mind and tell you that he would like to take things further but he hasnt.This guy only wants to be your friend,value that instead.Ok,so your in your 30s,doesnt mean that you wont get married or have children,but while you wait a very long time for him to change his mind,your life is put on hold because of this.If you find it difficult to meet other men why not try a new hobby where you could go out and meet new people or be a bit more daring and try a dating agency.Loads of people have met their soulmates on them,go on give it a go.Life is too short.Good luck!
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