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female
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anonymous
writes: Me and my fiance are very happy, he is older than me and has two kids to a previous marriage, I'm still quite young and would love a family but when I bring the topic up he says to stop pestering him and that he is thinking about it. The problem is he had a vasectomy and I want him to get in reversed so that we can have a family together.He is not saying no to a family but he is not saying yes either.We are due to get married next year and I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (20 November 2005):
 If having kids is something that's important and non-negotiable for you, then you should NOT marry a man who isn't sure he wants to have them with you.
Having someone *want* to marry you is certainly one of a young woman's biggest thrills in life, but - and I wish someone had told me this when I was about 17 - it doesn't mean you have to say "yes". In fact, "I'm not sure yet" is a far better answer, particularly in a situation such as yours right now.
You don't know if this guy is just feeding you a line about "thinking about" having kids, and his response to your repeated queries brings a authoritarian "stop pestering"?! Come on, woman. You're not asking him to buy you an ice cream! You're trying to discuss matters of serious, adult importance... or doesn't he see that? To me, it doesn't sound like you and your fiance are on the same page regarding what you expect your lives to be like in future.
Unfortunately, because you haven't given your ages, it's hard for me to advise you, other than to say: SLOW DOWN. If you're still young, then you have lots and lots of time to find out if the man in your life truly wants to go through the babies cycle again, this time with you. You need to get on a level footing with him (unless you want him to continue to treat you like he's the dad and you're the nagging kid), and discuss the issue until you feel that you have a firm answer from him, Yes or No. And if he doesn't want more kids, isn't it better to find that out now, than to find it out *after* you two have vowed "'til death do us part"?
The smartest thing to do when you "don't know what to do", is to stop what you're doing now. You're uncertain about your next move and whether you and your fiance are headed in the same direction on a matter that's important to you. So stop planning the wedding and start learning to communicate. If you intend on living with this person every single day to the end of your lives, then you can't start out being treated as if your opinions can be discarded. DO NOT get married to someone who hedges on his answers, then tries to frighten you off by snapping at you. That's not a healthy start to any relationship.
A
female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (19 November 2005):
 This is an issue that you need to have worked out before the wedding. He has a family and obviously thought his baby days were over, if you need to have your own children then this relationship may be dead in the water. You need a yes or no to the idea of strting a family together and then you need to decide with the answer he gives.
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