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male
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anonymous
writes: Hello,I want to break free of shackles that tie me up due to my upbringing. I have always looked at the world from the eyes of my mother, who is quite simple in her outlook, yet she is kind of racist at times. She looks at things black and white and there is no middle ground for her. It's like either someone is with her or against her. She judges ppl on the same basis. Either someone is fair and beautiful, or black and ugly. The exterior looks makes her decide about the character of the person. So someone who is dark or somone who is ugly is not worth value or a proper human being according to her. I remember, when I was young, she would stop me from looking at the girl from neighbourhood, who according to her, was not good looking or worth me. I have always struggled due to the very reason to relate with people at a deeper level unless they are good looking or fair skinned. I am 24 yrs old now and stay away from my mom and have realized that world is not just about black and white or ugly and beautiful. But somehow, the thinking instilled in to me for years is hard to let go as I feel sceptical of relating to ppl who are not equally good physically. I want to get out of this superficial thinking and find a deeper meaning of life. Please advise.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2005): Thanks for your replies.
Actually i have realized that i prefer ppl with less fair skin than mine and find them more deeper and warm to relate to. Sometimes, dark colours attract me in women's features. Same about boobs and stuff. I don't get attracted by stereotypical beauties. It's just the inhibition due to my upbringing that stops me from relating these kind of ppl. I would even want to marry a girl who is not fair. But i am also scared of the criticism and remarks i would have to take from my family, especially my mom, if i do that. I believe my fair skin is a kind of curse in a way to me.
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male
reader, Toddler 25 +, writes (20 November 2005):
Hmm, well, in my mind beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. I find very often that people I didnt find fair to begin with becomes very good looking if I get to know them and like them. And vice versa. I must admit I often have trouble with the prototype 'fair' person and prefer a bit different looks even though I am probably considered 'good looking' myself. When it comes to attributes I prefer small breasts etc., and the 'so smooth' shape never quite did it for me. Doesnt seem real or original enough :] Thats just for choosing girls I date tho, when it comes to friends that first impression/predjudice can be a bit hard in the early beginning but its important to look beyond that and give everyone a fair chance.
You should just try to have an open mind, looks really do not tell anything significant about a person. It can be an indication of what kind of a life they've had and thus some parts of their personality, but often it is not even that. Then again science show people with similar looks tend to find each other both as friends and spouses, so dont feel to bad if you have an inclination towards liking people similar to you best. Dont let that first impression limit your options though.
That you asked your question here shows that you are allready thinking about it and know what the 'right' path is, taking it can be hard but I'm sure you'll make it and make many good friends along the way :)
PS: Dont feel sorry for people less 'fair' than you, they just might feel the same :P
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2005): This is something you will just have to work on. It is mind over mind, in this case. You have to decide to use other measures to determine the worth of the people you meet, and not consider their race, or beauty any longer. The best way to get rid of the old standards is to articulate new standards. Write down a list of the characteristics you admire in other people( and then check yourself out on your own list to see how you measure up! . Once you have completed the list, save it somewhere, and look at it again in 2 weeks, and then again in a month. Add, or edit the list as needed, and prepare a new, revised list. You will find you do not need to review the list with everyone you meet, because your mind will be able to remember the things you value. After several months review the list again. Now, and only now, assigned a priority to the characteristics, from the most important to the least. If there are ties, so be it. Save the list again someplace to revisit a year from now, and every couple of years after. Edit and reassign values as your own life goes through changes, and you decide something is more important than you once thought, and something you once thought was important is not quite. Judgment is not learned over nite, and you can expect your judgment about people will also change. Its easy to dislike bigots, but as you get older, you find that you can have friends who are bigots, and just talk about other things. My friends know I don't like bigots, and whenever they say something, they don't expect me to agree with them, or even appreciate what they are saying. They know my feelings on the subject, and most appreciate that I don't get on my soapbox and preach at them every time they " sin ". I try not to rub their noses in my beliefs by inviting them to my home when I am entertaining people of a different race, because I know that will make them uncomfortable. They are not going to change their views, and nothing I would do could change that situation. I found that some of my friends who hate Blacks, or " queers ", or someone else, are amused and a little awed by my ability to judge people by other standards. I am a learning experience for them, even if they do not change. I suggest you take that posture with your mother.
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