A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I went with my wife to a party this past weekend and we got completely wasted, neither of us remember the later parts of the night. But all I know is that when I woke up my wife was nowhere near me. When I looked around the house for her, I found her in the bedroom of the house owner, they were completely naked and on top of the covers. She was lying on his belly within inches of his tool.I quickly woke her up disgusted with the scene. She is shocked herself and doesn't recall any of it. She is remorseful to all ends, and I am understanding we were both drunk, really drunk. I don't think I've ever drank that much and I know she was drinking heavily that night too. So we both share some of the blame, but I just can't get the vision out of my head.We don't really know this guy, so it's not like we have to see him again. He is a friend of a friend. Anyways, what should I do?
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (2 July 2011):
 Hi,I don't think you and your wife have alcohol problems. As long as you don't drink mornings? Everyday? (If so YES, seek professional help, for your own health), but if occasionally, its ok, but drink responsibly. I just think you both made a big stupid mistake. I hope you learn from it, also learn who are your friends and who to trust. Like the other people mentioned before, maybe they put something illegal in the drinks? Could be a possibility. I know you are hurt and the image keeps playing in your head over and over.. It must be difficult for you, also the anger?Bottom line is that happened and there's nothing you can do about it. But, its not fair to blame it on your wife? Its not like she cheated on you? Its not like she planned? I am sure she's confused and hurt as much as you. Right now is the time to heal. Seek professional help, spend more time together, do happy things, and try not to talk about it anymore. More importantly, don't blame your wife!! She's a victim herself. I think is best, you and your wife have a deep talk. Tell her how you feel, let her talk too. Be angry, do whatever it takes, let everything out and promise each other that you both will never talk or blame one another. Like I said, spend more time together, and try to recandle the love and marriage. If this don't work, then seek professional help. I hope for now on you both make better decisions, and choose your friends wisely. Do this together, with love and compassion. Take a day at a time together. You both are victims and need to support each other. Hope you feel better and as a couple recover from this trauma soon. Good luck!Ps: everybody here gave you good advice! And checking for std is very important.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (2 July 2011):
 First things first. Your wife clearly had sex with this other man. Both of you need to come to terms with that and decide how you want to deal with it. Please undergo counselling and get yourselves tested. And STOP drinking.
Secondly, there are chances that your drinks were spiked. Amnesia (memory loss) or a ‘black-out’ of events (when you cannot remember large sections of your evening) is almost a sure sign of it.
Really, there's nothing you can do now to better the situation except give yourselves time to let all of this sink in and ask yourself what is the best way to deal with this. You cant escape from it, you have to confront what happened, but think about it first. Go to a doctor, get yourselves tested, take counselling to get over this trauma and for heaven's sake stop drinking. This just goes to show alcohol never does any good. Take it as a lesson.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2011): OK .....here's my 2-cents. I would get tested for a STD and constantly in the next 8 weeks, get her tested for pregnancy. DO NOT BLAME YOUR WIFE or YOURSELF! You both may have been victims at this party. It is common knowledge that a date drug is being used at house parties, clubs and special events (concerts) across this country of ours (USA).
There are men and woman whom are predators and use this drug indiscriminately at parties and night clubs. If I was you, I would keep this incident a secret and move on with life....WITH your wife. Be ever mindful the next time you attend a social gathering and be ever aware! Good luck to you both.
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A
female
reader, hannah76  +, writes (1 July 2011):
 It's a very vivid scene for you to see. Both naked and all his things on display. There was way too much drinking on all sides. Best to get tested and then try to move on. Maybe nothing happened and that could be the best way to be thinking. No one can remember what happened so try to move on and forget.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2011): Shit happens when people get drunk.
If you are getting this drunk, you have a problem.
If shit happens when you drink, you have a problem.
This is serious.
Take this test, yourself, and have your wife take it as well. Be honest, don't be in denial, or you can take another test some day. The test is used by Johns Hopkins Medical Clinics and by many others throughout the country. It is available online.
http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 July 2011):
 Oh, and I nearly forgot. As you both got so wasted and so drunk, and assuming it wasn't a deliberate drugging on someone else's part, a good place for you two to go is to an AA meeting.
Alcohol can make people do some really stupid things, dangerous and hurtful things, and if you cannot cope with it, then you need help. Obviously, this is directed more at her but you were right there with her and unable to help her if was indeed a rape.
I'd suggest you find a meeting the two of you can attend and maybe find a counselor who deals with alcohol issues to help you get through whatever the next phase is. I'll bet this isn't the first time this has happened to a couple and I'm pretty sure people in AA have some pretty hair-raising stories like this. Getting sober would be a first step in reclaiming your lives.
I don't know what the next steps beyond that would be but I think I'd be looking for all the help I could get if I wanted to save the marriage, protect my health and not ever allow alcohol to wreak such havoc.
Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 July 2011):
Oh, never mind, the test for rohypnol is only useful 72 hours after the drug is administered. Sorry. You may indeed have reason to be angry with her but there is the chance that this was a planned attack on her. I don't know how you go about finding that out but perhaps her doctor could help you. She needs to see her doctor anyway due to the circumstances.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 July 2011):
Get her and yourself to a doctor and have her tested to see if she was given 'rufies' or rohypnol, the so-called 'date rape' drug. Just on the off-chance this was a set up. It would be a great shame for you to flip out only to find out later she'd been raped.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2011): this story seems to me like a scene from a film. I dono. or maybe I am too old fashioned.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2011): The question is as person12345 said can you live with the fact your wife slept with another guy and pretty much cheated on you?
You were there you know how drunk you both were, if that excuses what happened in your mind then you'll probably get over it and put it down as a one off mistake.
First figure out what it means to you OP, let it sink in and go over the details in your mind. You know they slept together, there is absolutely no doubt about that. Ending up naked in bed with another man is sex, regardless if he penetrated her or not stuff happened.
If you can let this slide then you have to ask yourself can you trust her not to get that drunk again ever. Can you trust that she does in fact only want to be with you? Because we are who we are when drunk, I've never once in the thousands of times I've gotten blind drunk ended up with another woman in bed while I had a girlfriend. It's never happened, not even fully clothed nor with other people on that bed too.
People make mistakes and this sounds definitely like a major unplanned drunken one.
The questions are can you live with this, will it happen again and has it fully sinked in yet that your wife has been with another guy while you were in the same place?
Do nothing, just think. Give it a bit of time to sink in and get your head together and you'll know what to do. This really sucks and I feel for you. Just don't make any rash decisions until your head is clear about things.
One final piece of advice OP, use condoms if you're not already until she gets tested. The last thing you want is a physical reminder of what happened in the form of an STD. You're both now at risk because he's pretty much a stranger to you both and while I'm really not trying to imply anything other than being cautious, if she was that drunk that she doesn't remember then it's possible he was not the only guy/girl involved. Please don't take that the wrong way I only mean in the sense of contracting an STD. It is possible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2011): First things first both of you get tested. Just in case you caught something. Now i have a rule for myself when i get drunk. I only and i mean ONLY get drunk with my fiancee. Apparently i am a very friendly drunk and i will try kissing all my friends try to have sex with them guys n girls doesnt matter and i dont remember any of it so thus i only get drunk w my fiancee. If you need to it couldnt hurt to talk to a therapist. I know its hard when explicit images of her w someone else are plastered to your brain but logically you need to move on. Yes said easier than done i know. You both messed up because you both got 2 drunk. I think this just needs to be a secret the two of you share and not to be thought of again. Good luck
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (1 July 2011):
 If you think you can not move past it-seek out some counseling.
If SHE really can not remember anything that took place with the stranger, encourage her to get tested!
Avoid being in circumstances like this in the future. That is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much drinking.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (1 July 2011):
 I'm not really sure what to tell you on this. You can ask yourself this, if you can't remember it, did it really happen? You will really need to decide if this is something you can live with or something you can't.
The good news is there was no lying, no hiding, no premeditation, no emotion involved. If you can, I'd say you should try to move on and just have her promise to never get black-out drunk again.
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