A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So, I met my husband when I was 17 and we were engaged when I was 19, married when I was 20 (I am now 23). I am a full time college student and work full time. He has been through about 6 jobs in the 5 years we have been together. I have ambition, he lives day to day. It didn't used to be a problem when we were dating because I was still living at home and didn't have many worries, but when we got married we bought a house and started to support ourselves. I find myself 'taking care' of him alot. I pay the bills, manage the money, do the shopping, do virtually everything. The only thing I ask him to do it take out the trash and cut the grass (and it's pulling teeth to get him to do that). We fight all the time, he gets in these depressed moods, and I honestly don't know how much longer I can do this. I've never really 'enjoyed' sex very much and thought it was just because it was me, and didn't get very much pleasure out of it. I've told him I will always be there for him, and it's true. I love him...but I don't feel like his wife. I feel more like a good friend. I once had a feeling of 'romantic' love for him, but I think now it's more of a 'I want to take care of him and make sure he's happy' type of love. I'm afraid to bring it up to him because I don't know how he'll take it...he doesn't talk about how he feels alot. I think we both deserve to be happy but don't know if we can be happy with each other for much longer. I really dont want to get a divorce (Especially since many people told me not to get married in the first place because I was so young), but I don't know what's worse, smashing my pride into the ground or continuing to grin and bare it because I'm afraid to be alone. What if I can't find someone else? What is he going to do if I call it off? I just don't know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008): Hello, I just want to let you know hun that you are not alone. I too am in the same situation, within your age bracket, but it's my boyfriend of 4 years that I'm having this issue with. I'm the one with ambition and he's the one that lives day to day as well. It wasn't until I recently graduated from college that I realized we are two totally different people with two different outlooks on life. Would it work out in the long run? Or would there just be constant problems if we did decide to spend our lives together?
It seems to me though that this isn't the only problem you have but it's because of this that you feel there's nothing else to be done within your marriage. I say, don't give up. Everyone gets bored with the one they're with once in awhile...it's normal. It's happened to me a couple of times but I try my best to explore every avenue to make my relationship work before I just give up. There seems to be alot of stress between you and your husband. Maybe he has an issue and is insecure with the fact that he's had so many jobs and can't truely take care of you like you are doing for him. This is probably why he gets depressed and won't willingly participate in household duties. My advice on this is to be there for him emotionally besides picking up the slack on his end and feeling burdened by it. Figure out together why he can't keep a job and then encourage him and help him find one that might better suit him. Also, communicate with him, let him know that you can't do this by yourself and how much his moods have been affecting you.
Believe me, if he does his part after you've done yours, things are sure to pick up because it's a two way street and it'll prove whether he's willing to make this work as well. I also feel that once the stress is minimal and you guys are communicating with each other, things will be more than likely pick up in your love life. (You're too young to worry about that going down the drain.)
And like I said, I'm in the same situation, I still look at my boyfriend lovingly because I do love him. We've had these issues and have fixed them but somethings just can't be fixed. So if worse comes to worse, maybe it would be best for you to move on, hopefully mutually and with no hard feelings. I really hope that this all works out for you hun, I give my best.
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