| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 7 years and we've lived together for 4 years. Up until recently we always agreed that at some point in the future when we're both ready we would get married and have children. Recently he has changed his mind and says that he is not sure if this is what he wants. I really love him but having a family is really important to me too. Do I hold on hoping that he will decide he does want marriage and a family, and how long do I wait for him? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2005): First, don't panic. Sometimes, I've often found that "no" means "not now" not necessarily "never." Second, instead of trying so hard to get your husband to change his mind, try to understand the reasons behind his decision.
Validate his fears instead of trying to argue him out of them. Talk about what that means and how you can make sure you don't begin to operate on parallel tracks if you do have a child. (Agree in advance to hire a babysitter regularly, to make a commitment to go out alone together once or twice a week, and to take vacations sans kids is one idea.) Sometimes, a guy has huge fears of how a baby will adversely affect a relationship.
Probe gently for other concerns he may be harboring about money, space considerations, even how tired you both might be and address each of them thoughtfully. Listen carefully, and though you'll be tempted to react immediately, hold your tongue. The more anxious, hurt, and angry you are, the less fairness you can bring to any discussion. What are the feelings behind his words? Can you put yourself in his position? It's clear that you both regard your marriage as a top priority. Tell him that. Acknowledging out loud how much your relationship means to you, too, may allay his worries that he'll lose you if you have a child. Your husband also needs to know, why having a child together means so much to you.
Talk to other couples that have been in a similar situation. What can you learn from their experiences? Sometimes, other people can suggest solutions that might not have occurred to you. Be patient and give yourself plenty of time to sort out conflicting feelings. Your decision has to feel right for both of you and that will take many thoughtful discussions. How long you wait for him to change his mind, is unknown...it depends how much committment you have to waiting it out. Having a child is a very BIG responsibilty-a wonderful experience for many. But some people just are not ready for kids. And you can't force the issue until he is ready. For some men, the desire to become a father enters the picture much later than their partners would like. You BOTH have to decide this together. Joint counseling might help you both determine the sacrifice that needs to be made. You both may need to get help with this issue. This is one of the issues that can make or break a relationship, so it is very important for it to be resolved early. Good luck to you both.
Hugs,
Irish
A
female
reader, Gal With A Zest For Life +, writes (30 August 2005):
Hey,
I'm not sure how old you are etc, but I think firstly you should ask yourself how far into the future do you want to have children? Soon or quite a long way off? If you are happy at the moment without kids, I'd say the best idea is to keep things as they are. You're happy aren't you? If you want children in the very near future then I'm afraid you and your partner want different things from your relationship. I know you must love each other a lot, having been together 7 years, so this may come across as a bit of a silly question to you, but do you see yourself spending the rest of your lives together? If you are going to be together for many years to come then it is essential that this issue is resolved now, to save problems later on. You need to discuss it and see whether your partner wants to have children in the future. If they do and you love them, then I think you can wait for them. If they don't ever, even in years to come, want children, then I'm afraid, you'll have to bear this in mind. Can you honestly live without children? Or can you live without your partner? A choice has to be made somewhere along the line, however it is most likely that a compromise can be made or marriage and children will just coome later. Good luck with everything.
...............................
|
