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anonymous
writes: I have a man in my life whom I naively and stupidly thought, loved me. Much of his actions do not coincide with true love..I am finding he's very selfish. I thought I loved him but now I feel he may be a controlling man and is taking advantage of my good natured personality and giving ways. I can't trust him, nor do I respect him since the below incident. Read on:I caught him having cybersex with women online. On his IM message archive, I saw the "texts" of what was being said to each other. I was sickened to the pit of my stomach, that he would be this derogatory to other women. Some of the females he messaged told him "take a hike". Others played along with him. I was so hurt and very betrayed by this and of course, a confrontation ensued. The crazy thing is-I was not shouting or anything-I was speaking normally to him.He then ranted, raved, shouted, lied, denied, he was defensive, angry, embarrassed-even going so far as taking throwing a piece of furniture halfway across the room. It terrified me-as I never saw him like this before. I left the home for a couple hours just to get away. Eventually, I came back, he had cooled off and HE refused to talk to me (can u believe it-what an ass!!) until the next morning.It's been a couple quiet days, now and he's acting like nothing happened. I am stunned with this behaviour-he inflicted pain and hurt and then acts like "life is just hunky-dory". I can't see myself with a man who cheats, demeans women, has a controlling personality, acts like a spoiled brat and has temper tantrums when he gets caught being bad. (he's in his 40's) In fact,it's all I can do to be "civil" to him. My biggest worry now is that: he won't leave. He seems very needy and insecure, since this incident over the cybersex. How do I get him to leave, without incident?I honestly don't think he feels he has done anything wrong?! The man has NO conscience! Can anyone explain to me WHY a guy get's caught doing something so damaging to the love and trust in a relationship, yet he still he denies it and acts like it never happened? I know this guy's a no-gooder, I know I made a rotten choice...I guess I just need to hear some encouragement and points of view from others-Care to comment?Hurt and Pissed Off
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male
reader, rbrb  +, writes (28 June 2008):
My advise to you is that you should leave him.
The issues here are too numerous. While their may be issues you have that you bring to this relationship -- I doubt you are perfect -- his issues are very typical of someone who is an addict. The lying and defense are classic signs. He will have to hit bottom before he stops -- he has no room in his life for you you. You may be inclined to end up with people like him -- perhaps you are co-dependent. Honestly, you need to get away from him -- in as much as a drug addict. If you choose to try and stay with him, it will involved time and therapy and the chances == statistics are not in your favor for it working out in the end. At the end of the day - TRUST and RESPECT are absolutely essential. These cannot even be on the table in this situation. He is either an "Ass" or "Jerk" but more likely, he is an Addict. There is much more here than morales. I highly recommend you break it off now while. Life is too short. I then recommend going to some counseling and really taking a look at your own needs and issues so you can pick better next time -- don't rush back into anything. Be courageous and fierce about loving yourself.
A
female
reader, charliesgirl +, writes (30 August 2005):
I think you are completely right. He seems to be totally remorseless and his temper tantrum is a worrying indicator that he could have a darker side. Please don't stay long enough to find out!
So, to summarise- he cybercheats on you, then when you (rightly) confront him about this, he uses violence to try and place the blame onto you. He knows that he did wrong, and if in his mid-forties he is unable to admit his mistakes and show remorse for his actions, then you are dealing with an emotionally immature man with dangerous tendencies. He's a Jekyll and Hyde character too, and totally unpredictable. But I think you have already come to these conclusions yourself. You don't want a destructive person like this in your life, making you angry, frightened and embittered.
His violent outburst the other night has indicated exactly what he is capable of, especially given his reasons for kicking off like that. Of course when he is being sweet it can be easy to imagine that it's just a one-off, but you will need to remind yourself that he's a creep and you don't know what he is capable of.
I think that you need to break free from his powerful clutches. By playing the vulnerable, wounded victim he is manipulating you into staying with him.
I assume that he is now living with you, and you are fearful of how he will react if you tell him to go? Have you family & friends who can assist you through this, perhaps accompanying you when you tell him to leave and staying with you for a few nights in case he returns? If he has a key, change the locks. Stay with family or friends for a while. Surely they will see what effect he has had upon you, and want to support you?
A relationship should be a pleasure. It should be about give and take, so please don't remain with him simply because you feel that you owe it to him as he seems unable to cope alone. You have to do what is best for yourself.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, harshbutfair  +, writes (29 August 2005):
 Classic symptoms of narcissism. Try a search on google.
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