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male
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anonymous
writes: Me and my girlfriend have had some trouble with arguing because I don't think we see each other enough and because my last two relationships were wrecked by a best friend! I am very very protective and she said that she would never lie to me I have just been reading her diary which admittedly I shouldn't have done, and have found that she has lied to me. But the other day she nearly split up with me because of our arguing and don't know if I want to start an argument and risk losing her.
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female
reader, Katy +, writes (12 August 2005):
OK, first off DO NOT read her diary again and DO NOT mention to her any of the things you read in it. Snooping in someone's private affairs is a major breach of trust - you say you don't trust her, but reading her diary without permission proves that she can't trust you at the moment.
I can sympathise with your behaviour and your insecurities, in fact it reminds me of a friend of mine who has also been hurt before in relationships. BUT you have to realise that the insecurity you feel comes from your previous relationships and has nothing to do with your current girlfriend. Acting this way and being over-protective is guaranteed to drive people away, so if you care about this girl and don't want to lose her you need to loosen up right now.
You say that you found out in her diary that she lied to you, but you could easily have taken whatever she wrote out of context or misconstrued it. Even if she did lie to you about something, it was probably a result of your blatant lack of trust in her. If you've been making it clear to her that you don't trust her, even without any reason for your suspicions, she probably thinks "well, why should I be 100% honest with him if he's not going to believe me anyway".
Trust in a relationship isn't something you should make the other person earn. Try trusting her without giving in to your (probably unfounded) fears and stop treating her as if she's responsible for your other relationships breaking down. The reason I said your fears could well be unfounded is that people who've been hurt before tend to imagine they have "proof" their boyfriend/girlfriend isn't trustworthy when in fact it's just imagination based on insecurities.
As for arguing about not spending enough time together - whoa, way to scare her off! You're making her feel like you're clinging to her and suffocating her. Basically, lighten up or lose her!
As Bev Conolly said in her reply, a relationship only works if both people WANT to be together. Over-protectiveness is one of the surest ways to stop someone wanting to be with you. My advice is to apologise for the arguments, explaining that you let your previous relationships make you insecure and over-protective - people appreciate and respect honesty. And then try to be a lot more easy-going in the future. Finally, as I said before, absolutely DO NOT EVER read her diary again or pry into her private things in any way.
Good luck, I hope it works out!
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (11 August 2005):
 You're trying to make your current girlfriend be responsible for your previous failed relationships. You're blaming her, and taking out your insecurity on her, because of the problems you had with your exes.
That's why you argue with her. That's why you read her diary - you should be ashamed of yourself! - and that's why THIS relationship is going to fail too... unless you pull your head in and start taking responsibility for your own feelings and your own actions.
The only common factor in the three relationships that you've had is... YOU. So whatever is going wrong that your relationships keep getting "wrecked" is very likely something that you're doing.
Judging from your actions and your letter, I'd say that you're not only "protective" of your girlfriend (I'd actually describe you as "territorial, and that's not a good thing), she feels that you're downright controlling and jealous and it's threatening to drive her away, because you're not showing her kindness, love and respect.
You need to let go. You *have* to let go and realise that girls stay with you because they love something about you. Relationships only work when the two parties care enough about each other to WANT TO stay. Your jealousy is just fear that your girlfriend is going to leave. It's just insecurity that you're not good enough. But you have to remind yourself that she was attracted to you for some reason, so you *are* good enough.
If you want this to work and if you want to stop the arguments, you have to start trusting your girlfriend and start letting her remember why she was attracted to you in the first place. NO more snooping, for a start. That's no way to build up trust! And it's not tit for tat: "I think you're lying, so I'm going to read your diary to prove it!" That's hardly the behaviour of a man mature enough for a strong relationship, now, is it?
I can promise you that if you don't shape up, you're going to drive her away with the very "protectiveness" that you are trying to use to keep her. Unless you start treating her like an equal and start showing her that you love her by your ACTIONS and not just your words, she's going to get sick of your controlling and silly jealousies and find someone who'll treat her better.
When you feel like things are spinning towards and argument, stop yourself. Ask yourself what you're afraid of. Is the argument really about why she was late for a date, or is it about your worry that she was doing something else? Resolve that you're going to accept that she loves you and she's telling the truth to you and stop trying to prove that she's lying, because it doesn't help anything, and ultimately it's destroying the very thing you want to keep.
You're in control here, because you're the only one who can control what you do next.
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