A
female
age
41-50,
*appygirl
writes:I just found out that the man that I've been trying to work things out with had been reaching out to other women, and most importantly the day before he left Iraq to come home to me, as I thought. He's now in treatment to deal with so many things that affected him during his 3rd tour of duty, and I found some emails yesterday that crushed me, and a voicemail very recently from some other female, what do I do? I confronted him with it last night and then found more today. I can stand by my man who needs me, regardless of mental illness or things due to the war, but I can't stand by a liar. I want to end this the right way, and am trying to summon all of my strength to do so, but part of me wants to change my number and never look back, any thoughts??
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (24 September 2008):
 My dear,
I am so sorry for your hurt and your loss. I am really at a loss for words to tell you because I just can't imagine how you are feeling. It does seem like this man has drained his emotional bank account with you and he has left you high and dry to go be in the arms of another woman. You can not stay given this information. You now need to repair your damaged psyche and take care of yourself. It is such a shame that this man has tossed aside a very loving relationship and a wonderful woman who has given him so much love and affection in his time of need. I am sorry.
My hope for you is that you take some time to heal your wounds and that eventually you find a decent man who will worship the ground you walk on. You deserve that.
None of what has happened is your fault or can be attributed to anything you are or you have done. I get the feeling that this man felt that you gave him too much and he isn't deserving of any of it. He has issues with his self esteem. You are a wonderful person and when someone with low self esteem is with someone like you, they simply go and look for someone that makes them feel more valuable. I call it dumpster diving. Please, it is not a reflection on you.
I will tell you that I am in love with a man who also returned from Iraq and who is going through issues with alcohol, depression and PTSD. He is barely hanging on and we can't seem to get our relationship off the ground because of it. He goes into this deep depression for months where he doesn't want to be with me. And then he'll be up and call me, we'll get together, plan our life and then before you know it, he's down again. My guy hides in his cave, sounds like your guy surrounds himself with women. Like you, I am barely hanging on and sometimes I wish I had someone who was whole, but then I feel guilty. I hear what you are saying about co-dependency. I think I have been struggling like you and eventually I too will reach a conclusion, like you.
Please don't feel bad about your decision. I for one support it. Take care of you and if you need to message me, do so.
A
female
reader, happygirl +, writes (23 September 2008):
happygirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand he's working through things right now and is reaching out for comfort from others that he hasn't hurt already so as to not hear anymore negativity, but I can't be a part of it anymore, and refuse to have to understand why it's ok for him to be reaching out to other women. I've been here, steadfast by his side through his tour in Iraq, while he questioned my every move, and never even looked at another male in that way, and he's been talking to other girls once last spring, then came home, tried to end his life so I flew down to be by his side and meet with the entire chain of command and his doctors, begged him to go to treatment for his alcoholism and get on meds for his depression and PTSD. While he was in treatment I asked for time to work on myself and deal with my codepedency issues, and instead he found a 19 year old girl somewhere near his treatment center and she spent family day with him. I grew up with this man, have known him my whole life, and we have been together now for neary 18 months, and this is how it ends???? I honestly thought after all that we'd been through together that the only reason we wouldn't be getting married and living our lives together is if he was a fallen soldier in this war...and instead it's because he was reaching out to other women...i just don't know how to get over this...
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (20 September 2008):
If your man is being treated for mental illness it is possible that the contact he is making with these other women is a symptom of unhappiness or depression. Sometimes we need other people (of the opposite sex most of the time) to validate our worthiness. If he is feeling low self esteem or down, it is possible that is what is going on.
Before you decide to leave his side is there someone like a therapist you can talk to about the possibility of why this is happening. Often times the significant others in a relationship get treatment or advice to help them deal with the total picture.
Take care.
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