A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend who I've known since last July, but we really started hanging out a lot since the end of October. I always found him cute but just that, and I didn't think he was gay because he is very sports oriented. But as we started to really hang out he would always make jokes about being with me and wanting me and me wanting him in sexual ways. At the beginning he would grab my hand and then pull away and make it look as if it were gross but as time would pass we would joke very strongly. Many times we would be on my bed watching a movie and sometimes our arms would touch and stay like that for a while and than he would pull away and bitch about it, but after a really long while. We have looked into each others eyes many many times and I feel like it hasn't been just a glance. Sometimes we are getting closer and others he pulls away, and I know he is only 18 and I am 24 but it's weird because I remember when I was 18 it was hard for me to come to terms with what I was. We see each other pretty much every day and I feel like when we are together it's very special, I have told him numerous times that he means a lot to me and that I really value him. Once he told me he thought of movie back home and I told him that night that I would miss him a lot and that he means more to me than he will ever know and I started crying. Every time he wants to get a facial done or some beauty related thing, he justifies himself by saying that he is not gay, which I think is uncalled for. We have had conversations that are not common for str8 men.When I joke with him and touch him he pulls away and complains but than he laughs. He always makes jokes with me about wanting me sexually and me him, but I feel that the majority of the things people say joking around they mean it, because you can joke about something once, but when you say it so many times there has to be truth in it. I came out to him and he was totally OK with it, I mean way too OK with it, and that he said he figured I was, but I am very masculine and none of my str8 friends have ever been able to pick me out. So if he knew it, it was because he saw attitudes in me that he identified with. We had a little fight the other day cause he said something in front of our friends that made me a little upset and he told me he was sorry, and when I got home I sent him an email saying that I am sorry about getting naggy, it's just that I worry lots about him and I only want the best for him, and that he means the World to me and that I know I am more attached to him than him to me, but that I don't expect him to feel that way either. He read that message when he was at my house on his laptop while I showered cause we were going to a party, then I got out of the shower we left, and after we put gas in the car I don't remember what he said that he told me, I know that you love me, and I love you too. I felt so still but never been happier in my life. He told me that it takes him a long time to get attached to someone and that it's hard for him to express himself with words. But I feel that he loves me as much as I love him and that sometimes he just puts on a hard exterior because these must be new feelings for him. I love him like I've never loved anyone before, and I've been with lots more men in the past. I just wish I could know for sure, but I don't want to push him either. What do you think? I mean it's weird to me because now that he know's I am gay he keeps on with the sexual jokes. The other day he was showering and I was shaving, and we were both in the bathroom and he told me that the mere fact we were together in a bathroom made us come closer as friends cause he never had liked being in the bathroom when someone else was there. And he was telling me that when he showered his dick got bigger cause he had to stroke it while he cleaned it. Also sometimes when I do stuff for him he says, "I am so gonna do you tonight!!" I am just going crazy he jokes too much. But other times he doesn't come over as much and he keeps me distant, I just think he's scared of his feelings! What should I do, I love him and am willing to wait as long as it takes! Sometimes I've noticed that when we are at parties he always knows where I am at and who I'm talking to because I've noticed him glancing over to where I am at all the time, and when we eat dinner at my house I've seen him looking at me, between mouthfuls of food, cause I can see him from the corner of my eye, and sometimes we end up catching each other but we look away!! I just wanna know why he shuts me out sometimes!! Hopeless!!
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male
reader, Dave2007  +, writes (29 April 2007):
I agree with all the answers given here. I was in exactly the same situation myself with my best friend when I was in my early twenties and it began becoming ever more apparent that he had feelings for me and fancied me, sadly he was in a relationship and had a young child so nothing ever happened and we finally stopped seeing each other (almost like a break up - although we never admitted the reasons why, particularly because nothing sexual happened between us - even though it came close to it many times).
The problem is, he definately knows you fancy him and if he had an issue with this he wouldn't put himself in any kind of situations with you - least of all naked or talking about sex. However go easy on him. It's likely he could just be bi-curious and beginning to form an attraction to you. It seems aparent that he is also falling in love with you. Confusingly love does not have a sexual orientation and if you combine close friendship and sexual feelings you have good old fashioned love. These feelings may be freaking him out.
That said, I feel that it is vital you state your claim on him. The heart break you will feel if he begins dating a girl will be unbearable and if it gets to this stage you will have lost him. If it came across (in your posting) that you were in love with him and it was all purely one way I would say drop it and try and be friends, but this doesn't seem to be the case. This relationship needs to become sexual.
I would recommend suggesting to him that the pair of you go away for a few days, even if you have to go camping. You need to be alone and to sleep in the same bed together where you will not be interupted. Initially (on the first night) it might help if you get a little drunk - as you can both excuse anything that has happened, but it needs that initial push. If he seems enthusiastic about going away with you - then its pretty certain he wants something to happen between you. I would imagine that after the first sexual encounter, it will happen again very quickly (probably within hours or days) and you will then have a sex life with him (which is vital).
On the downside, be prepared for some lows with this relationship. He is still quite young and may not be ready to come out yet or even want to. Understand and respect this and be happy (at least initially) with what you have with him. If it works out the love will only get stronger and he will ultimately want people to know you are a couple. But if this doesn't happen - even after a couple of years don't lose him because of that. Just remember that once this becomes sexual you have begun a full relationship with him and you will have to play by the rules of relationships - which means that if it goes wrong you will have to split and probably not have much to do with him again. I somehow feel you need to take the gamble here though and consumate this relationship and take all the highs and lows as they arise. One thing which would be terrible is if you did nothing and watched as he began dating and sleeping with other people.
D
A
male
reader, bufb  +, writes (27 April 2007):
Im having the same type of problem with my best friend. Look, obviously he cares about you and the fact that you're gay doesn't bother him. Yet, you still don't know for a fact whether he is gay, bi, or straight right? There isn't a sure cure way of finding out what orientation he is. Some guys take time to come out, I mean i just came out to a couple of my closest friends that Ive known my whole life, and they thought i was joking when i told them. Look at it this way, he let u stay in the bathroom while he was taking a shower! Do u know how many guys in your situation would kill for a chance like that. and if the dude is really straight it shows u that he is comfortable w/ u and he trusts u. Coming on to him too strongly might shock him or push him away so stay cool about it. Its tough I know, but just hang in there. Try getting to know him better, i mean see if he wants to go out somewhere. Try catching a movie w/ him or going bowling then out to eat. Or better yet spend a night alone w/ him at home and catch a movie there. There are thousands of ways to hang out, but remember, some straight guys do joke around like that and some of them don't take it too kindly when u hit on them. Im not trying to scare u or anything, just don't rush into it. Hope this was some help to u.
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A
male
reader, waza2007 +, writes (27 April 2007):
i agree with you, he has feelings for you and masculine guys somtimes do them jokes and touching each others arse and that then laughing as a way of furfilling their desires but they dont want to come out. i just say - when he next looks into your eyes and it feels right - go to kiss him - halfway- and he should kiss back.
maybe this helps
waza x
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A
male
reader, lboy +, writes (24 April 2007):
 dear reader,
i don,t think that this guy is shutting you out on purpose, it's like you said he is probably scared of all they new emotions and stuff, he may joke so much because alot of people use humour to calm them down is nervous or stressfull situations, he doesn't mean to hurt you or tease you he is just nervous about you being alone together or because of the way he feels about you, please just give it some more time and try to comunicate your feelings more and try to get him to do the same that should help alot.
good luck
lboy
xxxxx
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (23 April 2007):
 Personally I agree with your own assessment of the situation. I think he is gay,or at least bi, and that he cares a great deal about you, but is having a hard time coming to terms with his own homosexuallity. He pushes you away because he is not confortable with, or quite ready to aknowledge his gayness. You obviously enjoy each others company and should continue to spend time together. I think he will come around eventually. You are probably the first man he has allowed himself to care about. He is young and a little scared, but seems to really care about you.
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