A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been seperated a year and living in different houses. We mainly seperated because we had drifted apart and I felt the love wasn't there or at least that he never expressed it. He has always had a major problem with e pressing himself and intimacy, although physically sex was always very good.We have been spending time together and he had made some progress on the intimacy front. We have also had sex a few times however I have noticed that he seems extremely selfish during sex which is unlike how he was before we seperated. He kind of seems comfortable to back and let me do all the work. Also for the first time I noticed be had a little trouble getting hard last time. I find this unusual because we have been reconnecting and he seems aoHappy for us to be reconciling. I suspect he is using a fair bit of porn as he now lives alone. I actually asked and he said it was only occasional.So what on earth is going on?I'm terrified I will commit to giving this marriage another go and find out he is not attracted to me or has discovered he is more turned on by watching the young women in porn every night. HelpPlease. What should I do
View related questions:
porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2015): Well, it sounds like you both have some issues to sort out. As Jannipeg said, likely the recent sex issue was due to buried emotional issues on his part. He may even feel subconsciously resentful and hurt if he never wanted the separation in the first place, and you forced it upon him, and now he doesn't know if you will stay. That is a very stressful situation. Of course, as a man in his 40's not uncommon at all to have "a little trouble" on occasion (actually, not uncommon at any age to occasionally have an off night). That has nothing to do with his feelings for you.If he truly has trouble expressing himself, but seems to be doing his best to change, then he sounds quite committed. Some people are just not good with words. The fact that he is even trying to work on this after feeling rejected is a good sign. Of course I don't know all the ins and outs of what happened. What truly led you to separate? I think you need to reflect on that. I wonder if your own insecurities have played a part in your separation? I understand how you feel and how easy it is to become insecure and take everything a man says or does in the worst possible light. I do understand your feelings about porn- it is a difficult thing to accept for so many reasons but the reality is almost all men look (at least occasionally) and it doesn't mean anything to them. It certainly does not mean that he is not attracted to you. You seem to jump to that conclusion and I think your own issues with body acceptance, aging, (and maybe generalized anxiey/depression issues??) are affecting your view of reality. You are a unique individual and have to find value in that and trust that he does too (or he wouldn't be sticking around). Best of luck and I hope that you can work it out if it is for the best.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 February 2015):
 Perhaps he could only give all of himself to you physically when he feels the security within a marriage? What you are doing here is trial and error. He may feel that if there's a chance of a divorce, then he doesn't want to let go and enjoy himself. It's hard to know what he's thinking when he's not an expressive guy. Ideally things like these should have been resolved before the separation but unluckily things got so bad that he needs the fear of losing you to make a change. The change being more emotionally expressive even when doing so feels like breaking down a man.
If he wants to give the marriage a go and is happy at reconciling, that means he loves you. You mentioned that sex had always been good. So, that must have been his way of loving you. The purpose of this separation is for him to decide whether to learn to express himself, or to keep being this strong silent type and lose you. He may not know how to express himself, after acting close to 50 years of the same self. You can not expect sex would pick up where you left off when he is wondering what went wrong.
He has the answers but he has to do more talking because strangers online can't make assumptions when this is your marriage. He should be the one talking honestly to you.
In my answer I don't even touch the topic of porn because I think it's irrelevant. When a man loves you nothing compares. You separated one year ago and I assume sex was good until then. I don't think your body changed much in a year. What changed is the dynamics of the relationship.
...............................
|
