A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:What is going here? We've been dating for some time now, ans she has this knack for cutting me off, putting me in no-contact status, like a bolt out of the blue. I've noticed a certain trend in which everything will be great between us for a couple of weeks, but after a period of intense closeness and intimacy she pulls away. Pulls away and disappears!She definitely is a little high maintenance, and it seems that she's constantly looking for "something" to make her happy, or to set her on an emotional path that she deems favorable. Although she's very charming and attractive, I still get this feeling that she's a bit robotic and mechanical on the inside. She has complained on occasion that I'm slipping, or losing my touch, but when I do recommend plans for the weekend she usually shuts it down. It's all about her but she doesn't see it. Instead she'll throw in your face about how she's always pleasing people, but this is not the case. She takes credit for things you're supposed to do.I have come to the conclusion that her narcissistic traits are responsible for her hot-and-cold tactics. But it's extremely painful when someone doesn't come out openly and share their grievances, but instead deploys pernicious and hurtful silent treatment methods.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@femmenoir,
A lot of the points that you highlighted echo my sentiments and thoughts exactly. She has done this in previous relationships per her own words, after I confronted her about it a while back. She's not really contrite after being confronted, but it's more akin to "that's just the way I am" type of attitude. In the past, when something pops up on her schedule, or if she's not feeling good, she'll cancel on me without batting an eye. However, if I need some down time and don't want to do anything she'll say that I need to stop wasting her time. She lacks empathy.
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (18 February 2015):
 I am unsure as to how long exactly the two of you have been dating, however, i would suggest a number of things.
First & foremost, do not chase her! Allow her to come back to you & to you she will.
When she does, sit her down, tell her you & she are going to have a really serious chat about YOUR concerns.
You need to lay it all on the line with her, no matter how she takes it.
As i am female & i am in a serious relationship myself, i know what i am talking about here.
A mature woman should never play games with the man she loves, which leads me to believe that this woman you're dating, has some real insecurity hang ups, not necessarily a narcissistic trait, although that may be part of the problem.
Her insecurities are so profound, that in my personal view, unless she seeks some real professional help, nobody, not even you, will ever be able to rectify/solve this issue & unfortunately, as much as you may both deny it, this WILL continue, believe me.
Do you know much about her previous relationships, bec this would explain much of her behavioural traits.
Also, you are not dating somebody to be "fixing" them all the time. Not healthy & you know this.
You cannot make anybody happy, as happiness is really a state of mind.
I know a man will never be completely fulfilled within a serious relationship, if he feels he cannot make his partner happy, however, you want an easy flowing union, not one that requires constant work & seemingly hard work.
That to most, is not a good relationship.
She sounds very high maintenance, as you yourself have expressed.
I would also add, that perhaps you need to do your own internal check, regarding your true feelings for this woman, as you have said a few negative things about her.
ie: she has narcissistic traits, it's all about her, she's high maintenance, etc;
Whilst all you mention & feel may be true & you'd know her better than most, you know that she wouldn't like to find out that you've posted this question, regarding her negative qualities.
This would only add to the fuel.
I guess if you cannot sit her down, talk to her openly & honestly, then what do you guys really have??
I am not judging you, nor she, but based on everything you've mentioned, you will receive direct responses, both pleasant & not so pleasant to read.
Also, please think about whether you really wish to pursue a woman who is giving you such a hard time & even moreso, a woman who seems to love "game playing" & seems very confused about what she truly wants in her life & from your relationship.
I am getting married in a few months time & i can assure you, if i did this to my fiance, he wouldn't have wanted a bar of me.
Confidence in a woman, is everything to a man.
You sound like a great catch, so know your own self worth & find a better suitor, if that's what you have to do.
You'd be better off remaining single & happy for some time, than remaining in this relationship & questioning things regularly.
Good luck & keep us posted!
...............................
A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (18 February 2015):
I am unsure as to how long exactly the two of you have been dating, however, i would suggest a number of things.
First & foremost, do not chase her! Allow her to come back to you & to you she will.
When she does, sit her down, tell her you & she are going to have a really serious chat about YOUR concerns.
You need to lay it all on the line with her, no matter how she takes it.
As i am female & i am in a serious relationship myself, i know what i am talking about here.
A mature woman should never play games with the man she loves, which leads me to believe that this woman you're dating, has some real insecurity hang ups, not necessarily a narcissistic trait, although that may be part of the problem.
Her insecurities are so profound, that in my personal view, unless she seeks some real professional help, nobody, not even you, will ever be able to rectify/solve this issue & unfortunately, as much as you may both deny it, this WILL continue, believe me.
Do you know much about her previous relationships, bec this would explain much of her behavioural traits.
Also, you are not dating somebody to be "fixing" them all the time. Not healthy & you know this.
You cannot make anybody happy, as happiness is really a state of mind.
I know a man will never be completely fulfilled within a serious relationship, if he feels he cannot make his partner happy, however, you want an easy flowing union, not one that requires constant work & seemingly hard work.
That to most, is not a good relationship.
She sounds very high maintenance, as you yourself have expressed.
I would also add, that perhaps you need to do your own internal check, regarding your true feelings for this woman, as you have said a few negative things about her.
ie: she has narcissistic traits, it's all about her, she's high maintenance, etc;
Whilst all you mention & feel may be true & you'd know her better than most, you know that she wouldn't like to find out that you've posted this question, regarding her negative qualities.
This would only add to the fuel.
I guess if you cannot sit her down, talk to her openly & honestly, then what do you guys really have??
I am not judging you, nor she, but based on everything you've mentioned, you will receive direct responses, both pleasant & not so pleasant to read.
Also, please think about whether you really wish to pursue a woman who is giving you such a hard time & even moreso, a woman who seems to love "game playing" & seems very confused about what she truly wants in her life & from your relationship.
I am getting married in a few months time & i can assure you, if i did this to my fiance, he wouldn't have wanted a bar of me.
Confidence in a woman, is everything to a man.
You sound like a great catch, so know your own self worth & find a better suitor, if that's what you have to do.
You'd be better off remaining single & happy for some time, than remaining in this relationship & questioning things regularly.
Good luck & keep us posted!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2015): :(This made me a bit sad.Sad that you are going through this.Sad that she seems unable to let any one "in".It could be a number of things-it could be she has an "impostor" syndrome (i.e. she feels like she is leading a different life with you,so when everything gets a bit too real she feels like she doesn't deserve it and runs out).It could be fear-if she truly trusts you/lets you in,then you might have the power to hurt her (it seems that for now,you don't,simply coz she doesn't let you get close).I don't know. I can keep guessing but it will be fruitless.She is responsible for her own happiness. You can not "provide" that for her.I don't really know what your question is-if I take it at face value,i.e. what is happening? Every time you get close-she gets scared. And takes off.WHAT she is scared of exactly and WHY she disappears that I do not know.ps: it already seems like you are very dissatisfied with her/the relationship anyway, so why are YOU still in it?
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