A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm been married 27 years After my wife had breast cancer 20 years ago she as gone completely of sex when I try to touch her she just turns around I've tryed talking to her but she's not interested I still love her but ate being regected all the time i don't now what more I can do she want talk about it and she thinks every think is ok Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 February 2015):
 I totally agree with all the answers (other than "men need sex" and " The fact is; afte menapause and after 50 (40 in most cases) the female libido is 'zeroed out' ")
I will say while those are good options I have one that may work.... it's a bit off the norm.
ask your wife if she minds if you take a lover. if she agrees then find one... make it clear you are no strings attached and in it just for the sex.
IN fact, I would have the woman meet your wife to be totally aware that this is an approved option for you sanctioned by your wife who loves you and does not wish to deprive you of something she no longer wants.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2015):
The real problem here is this:
"she thinks every think is ok"
My wife is similar although never got sick. That might be a red herring.
You need to convince her you are not okay with this. Your feelings matter, too. You both need counseling and even that may not save the marriage but you should try if you love her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2015): A word to the wise . .
Have you done all the right things within your power already? Romancing her, cuddling, doing favors, being un-demanding about everything, trying to talk to her about it, trying to tackle the underlying issues, etc?
If so then you need to spell this out to us. You will probably need to say it REPEATEDLY before it sinks in. Men are automatically seen as guilty until proven innocent on these matters.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2015): I couldn't be married to a partner who refused to have sex with me. And not only that but doesn't seem open to solutions. It is a real shame that a husband has to put his sexual desires aside to continue in this marriage. Men need sex.A woman who loves her husband knows this. A good wife will WANT to please him sexually. She will make the effort. She could turn the switch on and have some sex with him once in awhile just to keep him happy. She could explore what is going on with herself and work on changing her mind set. It is mind set you know. Easy to find excuses and blame. But when there is a will, there is a way. And if there is no way, can he live like this? He is clearly already deeply dissatisfied with the situation as he has come to a public forum asking advice.Maybe it's just me but I find it very sad to have to settle for anything less than what you want and feel you deserve in life. It's just too short. I have said it time and again. Marriage is not a life sentence nor is it a cage of self sacrifice. We have the power to be happy. Never resign yourself to a life void of passion. Passion is more important than so many people are willing to admit. What is love without passion? I do believe that eventually resentment and bitterness will build if this situation continues without resolution. And I do believe there is room for infidelity under these circumstances. I wouldn't blame him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2015): Just wanted to say:
Brown Wolf's advice has hit home with me on this one. One line of thought is beautiful in its simplicity and truthfulness:
"She did not marry you just because of sex. She married you because she loved you."
So,so simple. Yet so,so true.
Love,
The Nonny
ps: OP, you've gotten a really good mixture of advice. A single addition would be: apart from the breast care counsellor, maybe you can talk to a marriage counsellor a time or two as well? At least so that you can express what your feelings are/how distraught you feel in a more controlled environment. Don't let anger/resentment build up.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 February 2015):
 Assuming you are 50 then you married at age 23, and if your wife was the same age, then she was only 30 when she was diagnosed. Twenty years ago, no one was doing mammograms or would expect a woman of her young age to have breast cancer, so the cancer would have been detected at a late stage. There would have been a large lump in the breast in order for it to be found. Again, 20 years ago, the treatments were very different and it's likely she had a mastectomy followed by intensive and ugly chemo and was put into premature menopause. The hormonal changes and hair loss and surgical scars can be extremely damaging to a fragile psyche.
She may feel mutilated and unloveable and that thought process is so engrained and part of her that she can't accept a loving touch or want to be sexual with you.
You have obviously been a very patient and kind man to stick around for 20 years.
I would suggest that you try to approach it again and get in a professional counselor with experience in breast cancer and its aftermath. http://www.breastcancercare.org.uk
There are support groups for caregivers as well. Ring up the local breast cancer centre in your area or her doctor's office and ask for that information.
I hope you can find the right approach that works for you and for her. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 February 2015):
 There is a sad "truth" to her assessment. The fact is; afte menapause and after 50 (40 in most cases) the female libido is 'zeroed out' With men, it can be about the same. Ergo, afer 40 to 50 years of marraiage forget about it. Preserve your menories, they're all that's left you.(simon and Garfunkle-Song="Old friends". Sorry but that's life. What are ya gonna do?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2015): You can't force a woman to have sex. Your wife will not even discuss the problem; so she places you in the position to make decisions without her input. Because you love her, you can gently suggest that she seek counseling and therapy with you. If she had any radical surgery from her breast cancer, she doesn't feel attractive; and hasn't come to terms with losing a breast, or her breasts; whatever the case.
It is likely that she may also have early onset of menopause, and her lowered libido may be strictly low estrogen levels. She may need to see the doctor and get a prescription or be tested for hormonal-therapy. Another menopausal symptom is painful sex from vaginal-dryness. Her gynecologist may be able to prescribe new remedies that may help. That is, if she even wants to have sex.
This is the worst case scenario. She simply doesn't like sex. In this case, the reason doesn't matter. These questions are really tough; because only she can truly offer you the answer that applies to her feelings. She pretends to be in denial to avoid hurting your feelings; and to avoid or dismiss any conversation about it.
The lack of communication between two married people usually leads to divorce. Sex is important to you, but apparently doesn't carry the same value with her. You can't simply end a 27 year marriage just like that; but if your spouse is unwilling to show any concern for what makes you unhappy in the marriage, why should it continue? You have a tough decision to make. Sex isn't good unless both people find equal pleasure in it. She may have just gone through the motions for years, and finally decided to stop. Some people actually feel they reach a point in their lives they're too old for sex! Let's hope it's not that you're just a bad lover. Some men are just awful sex-partners, and
their mates finally reach a point they simply can't endure it anymore. Unless she is honest with you, you'll never know.
Decide how important intimacy is to you in order for you to remain happy within your marriage. You may want to articulate your feelings to your wife, with or without her feedback. Express your feelings and how much you love her; and how it makes you feel when she rejects you. Ask her to at least consider getting a medical-evaluation and testing for any treatable impairments; but let her know that her being in denial is hurting you beyond words. In short, your marriage is in peril. She needs to know the magnitude of the problem. Not just brush it off as if it's nothing.
People have healthy sex-lives into their 80's. You're nowhere near that yet; and I think there are underlying psychological issues to be addressed from your wife's bout with breast cancer. My sister was on only in her early 20's and being treated for Hogkins Lymphoma through chemotherapy back in the 90's. It lowered her libido even after she ended the treatments. She sought medical treatment; found the condition was correctable. Results do vary. Age may also be a factor. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Sometimes your mate has to realize just how serious you are about a problem in your relationship; and may have to face the possibility of losing you, before they are willing to address an issue.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (17 February 2015):
 If your wife has had any kind of surgery, lost her hair due the the treatments, it could make her feel unsexy...a lost in her womanly pride. You touching her is not going to do anything to fix that.I am also sure that your touches are very predictable, as most men who thinks of a one way road to sex. Most women know exactly what a man wants when he touches them. Men forget one place to touch their wives, and then complain when there is no sex...THE HEART.Most men think "I love my wife, I want to have sex with her, so why doesn't she wants to have sex with me?" Great that you love your wife, but your focus is not on your wife, it's on what she has to offer you. What do you have to offer her besides sex? Not things you can buy or pay for...and how often do you offer these things? Is it only when you need sex? What can you offer your wife that you don't have to pay for...LOVE, respect, attention, affection, your EARS, hugs, your 100% willingness to please her and not yourself...and without complaining about it.Want sex??? Then get sex out of your mind and focus on the woman. She did not marry you just because of sex. She married you because she loved you, and is what leads to sex...LOVE...and love touches THE HEART.When a woman is in love...really in love, she wants to be as close as she can to her man. If sex can bring her even closer...then guess what??Until you realise that love is not found between a woman's legs, you will always have this problem...no matter who you are with. Sex is the reward for love, not the other way around.
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