A
male
age
51-59,
*r commodore
writes:Have a relatively new girlfriend and it is a long distance relationship--only an hour by plane--and we have the opportunity to see each other every other weekend. To complicate things she is to have open heart surgery soon so there's a lot of stress and feelings of being overwhelmed, etc. Three times now when she or I was supposed to visit the other, she has cancelled at the last minute. On one of those times, I just got on the plane anyway and went and visited. So this last second cancellation has happened again recently and I made the following proposition: you have this thing going on in your life so why don't I give you 'space' so you don't have to think about it since the relationship seems to be stressing you out. You can concentrate on the surgery, recovery and etc and when all that is done, we can pick up where we left off. Oh thank you so much, etc etc, this offer means so much to me. She was just bowled over by the whole thing. But here is where it has become a thorn in my side: in the two weeks since the offer of 'space' was made, there has been no decrease in communication (in fact, it has increased) and her professions of love for me have become even stronger! So the only thing that seems to have really changed to my mind is that there is no visitng and no discussion of visiting. I have made it clear to her that I do not want to be pen pals. I am also willing to excuse some of the behavior because of the medical issue. So here is the question: if she has some sort of 'fear' about visiting but not being in a 'virtual' relationship, am I 'enabling' her by continuing to communicate with her so regularly. I feel like right now she's having her cake and getting to eat it too. All the benefits of a relationship without any of the mess. I've come to see the situation like taking the training wheels off of the bike, she's never going to learn how to ride otherwise. My concrete proposal that I am considering at this point is that communication be severely curtailed--one phone call a week, perhaps, no email, no instant messaging. That way, if she wants to enjoy the benefits of my company, she will have to do it the old-fashioned way: face-to-face. Any advise would be appreciated...
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