A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:About to hit my one year anniversary. However, I am very bored of my husband. I am unhappy, and resentful of the marriage. His standards are very low, so low that we are just married roommates. We both end up doing our own thing. We rarely talk, rarely have sex, and quite frankly have very little in common. We used to have a lot to talk about, and a few things in common, but we both have had to reevaluate our goals, so that is part of the problem. As mentioned before, he is quite happy with just being two guys who are married and faithful, but without the interaction. Divorce is on the bottom of the list, but I am nearing that bottom of the list as he seems indifferent to the situation. Moreover, we have talked about it numerous times. We rarely, if ever, fight. It is as dull as ancient bronze. Anyone ever go through this? What was the outcome? Am I looking at this wrong? Have I missed something?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (31 May 2016):
Like anything else worth having, marriage is work. Put nothing into it, and expect the same results out of it.
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (15 May 2016):
 No, your expectations are not too high. A sexless marriage with no meaningful interaction is, as you have stated, like marriage to a roommate. The problem you're having isn't uncommon, but it's odd to see so early in a marriage. This is the type of question one might expect with a couple who has been married for many years, perhaps gone through the financial and life stresses and physical changes of parenting and/or aging, and now struggles to revive the "spark" in the marriage that brought them together in the first place.
Full disclosure: I've never been married (currently engaged to be). That said, it's easy to observe from the marital relationships of those close to me that marriage, especially long term, takes a great deal of hard work from BOTH partners. It is not typically a "get married, sit back, and live happily ever after"-type endeavor, although books and movies sometimes depict marriage this way. No matter how well you know someone when you exchange vows, you'll continue to learn more about that person as time passes and you see them in new and different situations. Differences arise. Unexpected life changes can introduce additional stress. The key is that when you get married your lives become something of a TEAM effort in which both partners need to participate, even if one partner can do no more than offer kindness and support as the other struggles with a change or suffers through a loss.
Your partner is evidently not doing that. From the sound of things you have tried to initiate and keep open communication about the problem (lack of meaningful interaction, both physical and emotional), which is a fantastic first step. It surprises me that your partner is aware of the problem and yet evidently not concerned by it - that a marriage with no sex and no common interests after just one year is acceptable and satisfying to him. It's understandable that in your mid-to-late twenties you are both still growing and changing as people, and that your directions in life aren't set in stone. That's a huge and challenging reality for many Americans your age (and mine) trying to balance life goals with an uncertain and difficult economy.
Before you write the marriage off, however, I strongly suggest you consult a licensed marriage/family therapist together for a more personalized evaluation of your situation. As an added benefit, this formal acknowledgement of unresolved issues in the marriage may function as a sort of wake-up call to your partner that you are truly dissatisfied and feel your efforts in the relationship are one-sided. Your post reads quite calmly and logically, so depending on how you communicate in person, he may not realize that you are as conflicted and unhappy about the current state of the marriage as you actually are. The fact that you rarely fight suggests to me that perhaps he hasn't seen you become truly emotional about this. If you're able to speak as calmly and rationally about it to him as you are in your post, he may well have underestimated the distress you're feeling about this.
No trained counselor is going to tell him that now the two of you have exchanged rings and vows, he is free to check out of the marriage physically and emotionally and expect you two to stay together "just because." So hopefully he is willing to go to counseling with you, and willing to be open to suggestion and positive participation in the marriage from there on out, effectively solving the issue.
Sadly I'm inclined to agree with you that if he's NOT willing to actively participate in improving the situation, divorce may ultimately be your best course of action, especially since there are no children involved and probably few or no joint financial assets so early in your lives and careers. Additionally you're both young, with plenty of time ahead of you to meet others who might be a better fit for each of you in the long term. Whatever you do, please don't trap yourself in a lifetime of unhappiness over worries about what others might think.
I hope this helps you. Good luck and best wishes moving forward.
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