A
female
age
41-50,
*5unhappy
writes:Hi I am new to the board and am in an affectionless marriage. We have been married 14 years, 3 kids. We met, moved in together and got married within a year. We used to not be able to get enough of each other, now it feels like we are nothing more than room mates. He is a great dad, and provider, we never go out without the other, so to our friends, etc it seems we have the perfect marriage, so much so that people tell me they are jealous and wish they had our relationship (they obviously don't know the issues). We have not been intimate in honestly I don't remember. 6-10 months? I get a chaste kiss good night. That is it. I have told him that I need affection and just need to feel generally loved, countless times but nothing changes. He doesn't hold my hand, hug me, or show any love for me at all. when I am really feeling detached I will ask for a hug, which he obliges, how romantic. It makes me feel like an ugly person inside and out. I am not unattractive for my age, other men show interest, not that I have ever or would ever cheat, but it is nice to feel like you aren't undesireable. He does however point out my flaws which does nothing for my self esteem, from my cooking to even the way I laugh. He says he is kidding but I don't think it is funny. we used to joke around all the time which he pointed out, but that was when I felt secure in our relationship, which I no longer do. I have thyroid problems which causes depression which I take medication for. I just don't know what to do, I don't want a divorce but I do want a real marriage. I know he isn't happy either but he won't tell me what he wants or needs from me. Like I said he knows what I need but just refuses to give it. It's like he looks at me with disdain, and sometimes it is just too much to bear. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, although counseling isn't an option for him.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 September 2014):
 I think what he needs is space and the chance to feel anger towards something for a while. That's what he wants so give that to him. Just make sure you distance yourself from him so you don't become an object, an outlet for his anger.
In marriage, you have conditioned yourself that your happiness comes from your relationship. Your man was your everything. Now making this shift into the unknown, you have to decondition and think of other ways to make you happy. Just think single women can be happy. Whether you have lots of friends or you are solitary there are ways to explore this world without adultery. Give yourself this space for soul searching, or about what you might want to do with this free time. The time away from worrying about your husband. Let's see if this lessens his burden of making you happy. Your mind might be thinking, "if we don't have sex again in x amount of time, then the marriage is deteriorating." "If we can't have a real marriage I can't be happy." This is fearful thought, and as time passes it just spirals downwards. Instead think, "I am going to get better. I am going to channel my creativity towards somewhere else. I still have a lot of energy and a lot to live for."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2014): Nothing is more difficult than having a partner who doesn't communicate. Walking around with a million thoughts in their heads that they never share. Only a snide comment now and then. You know what annoys them; but not how to please them.
They avoid very intimate discussions; because they don't want to reveal the truths they're hiding. They want to avoid arguments, and they don't want divorce to rise as an option. If you have children, your mate is treading carefully around any topic that may bring up the big "D" as a possible remedy. If you can't please him, what other choice does he leave you? He never says anything unless it's hurtful! Excuse me, jokes don't hurt. They make you laugh. If they hurt, they're called INSULTS!
Many/most men don't want to explain why they have lost physical-attraction for their wives or partners. I don't think I know anyone, including myself, that could handle that information. Not many would know how to put it in words.
For men in their 40's, it is mainly because their testosterone levels have dropped. If the sex almost comes to an abrupt halt? He may be having an affair, due to either a middle-aged crisis; or the typical sleaze-factors characteristic of a cheat. If he has never been particularly affectionate to begin with, don't expect that to ever change. It gets worse.
Sometimes guys are simply bored with having sex with the same partner. There is no surprise, it's predictable, and it feels basically the same every-time. Especially when the sex is vanilla and he's the one always doing all the work.
There is nothing spicy to perk it up now and then. Let's face it, a partner who thinks you shouldn't care they've let themselves go doesn't have a grip on reality. Bluntly put, he can't maintain an erection unless he's sexually aroused. Take that any way you like. That's the reality.
Hate me, I didn't create these facts. It's life.
For some men, having kids makes life seem routine, mundane, and super-domesticated without the spontaneity and freedom they once had. They love their kids. They simply feel like the "bread-winner." Fulfilling his domestic duties as a husband and father, and no longer feeling his life belongs to him anymore. He's not happy, so he blames the wife. He internalizes his displeasure, only being inexplicably grumpy or distant. She sees the surface, and has no idea what he's thinking. There's no sense in keeping a man like this. They'll drive up your blood-pressure and put you in an early grave. Best to let him die alone; if he refuses to share his feelings.
If his spouse has a lot of medical or emotional issues, her flaws start to feel burdensome. He no longer may sense that vivaciousness he once saw in her. She seems sad and melancholy; so he feels less physically-attracted to her.
These are all generalities and may have nothing to do with your marriage. However; you may want to suggest having a second-honeymoon to get away from the routines of daily life. You need time to be with only each other, without family-life as your only reason for living. You're in a rut. You've lost track of each others needs and feelings.
You miss who you once were, and very tired of who you are now.
This naturally comes with growing older. If there is no open-line of communication, you'll never get to the route of the problem or find a working solution. If he's not willing to try, you're better off without him. He needs a shock to bring him to his senses and to get his attention.
It's a couple's problem, not just yours!
He will never admit any of the above, because if you're tripping-out on what you don't know. You sure as hell will be an emotional hand-full knowing all the disheartening details. It is likely his own sex-drive is dropping; while women in your age-group are just reaching your sexual peak.
It's time to focus on more than just the kids and paying the bills. Your marriage is deficient of intimacy. That's not a good sign. Not being concerned when your mate tells you they need you, and it doesn't change?! That's not good either.
You are going to have to flat-out tell your husband that you feel the marriage is in trouble; and you're not sure what the end result will be. If he can't talk about it,
you don't know if it's serious, or just something easy to fix. You can't read his mind.
If you both can't have a serious talk about what you should do about it. You have to put him on notice. Either you find ways to save it, or you may have little choice but to end it. Some men don't listen until they have to face a serious ultimatum. Wishy-washy wives who mope around the house and don't face-down their spouses during a time of crisis; simply dive into deep depression. Medicine isn't enough.
It may numb you, but you need your husband. He has to be man enough to talk, explain his feelings, and be willing to compromise and to find solutions to heal both sides of the issues.
If you suffer from depression; he needs your therapist or doctor to educate him on how to deal with it. It makes you seem less exciting and dead inside. He doesn't understand it; so he avoids you. You're not entirely yourself. In his eyes, you're never yourself. There's always something wrong.
He feels he no longer has the power to make you smile or make you happy. He feels he's lost his touch.
Maybe understanding more about your depression may help. When you're depressed, teasing will not have the same effects it used to have. You'll be oversensitive, miss the punch-line, take his ribbing too personally, or become agitated. You're no fun to be around if you're ill.
You should seek marital-counseling and mediation. Therapy for couples; to get him to open-up and express himself. He is afraid to tell you what he really feels. He's not sure how well you can handle things. Perhaps that is more of the case. If he has lost physical attraction for you, 14 years and three kids deep into marriage? He's afraid that will devastate you, and only make you more ill than you already are. Until you talk, it's all up in the air left for you to jump to conclusions. If he thinks that's better than talking to you, he's not very smart.
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