A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello aunts and uncles. I’m after some advice regarding the way my boyfriend is with me. I don’t want to put words into anybody’s mouth so I will just state the facts and give some examples of some recent, and some ongoing situations. Firstly to give you some background of my boyfriend. He was brought up (rather ‘dragged up’ as he likes to call it) by a single mum (my BF was only 13 when his dad died). His mum spent all her time at the pub with the wrong type of men, while my BF and his sister had to take it in turns to babysit their younger siblings. The house he grew up in was always full of trouble, and unclean and as they all grew up nobody got jobs or furthered their education. They all just sat around drinking cheap beer, playing xbox, and having parties late into the night. My BF was the only one who wanted to better himself with a career and own a house, a nice car, etc, so he worked extremely hard to get exactly that, and succeeded. Especially to do all of that in such an uninspiring environment surrounded by people who couldn’t care less about much. Everything he has he has earned and worked very hard for, which I think is very inspirational. But he never grew up surrounded by love and support (at least not after the age of 13, when his dad died). It makes me realise how lucky and fortunate I am regarding my family, because my background has been full of love and support, and I couldn’t choose a better family. My BF works extremely long hours, 12 hour shifts, early starts and nights all in the same week, sometimes 6 days a week, and he’s not happy with his job. The money is the only thing that’s keeping him there, and he is looking elsewhere for a job, but he’s such a perfectionist that it really does have to be the ‘perfect job’ - like with pretty much everything in his life.I myself have a job, and we contribute equally to every single purchase, even to the finest detail, which I sometimes think is a bit ridiculous to be honest, but, whatever...I get paid about 1/3, maybe 1/2 of what he gets, but he loves his cars, and to be honest he seems to love money - he is great at saving. I am happy with the simple life. There are things I like too, which I buy, and sometimes have a big splurge, and we both like quality stuff for the house, but daily living I appreciate the small things, such as family, nature, just sitting there reflecting on stuff and letting my mind wander. My BF likes action and fun (although he doesn’t really have any time or energy for these things because of his working hours - which he is trying to change). Although I appreciate the small things I love fun too. It’s what we were always about when we first met (4 years ago) and there was never a dull moment. We were always laughing, going out, drinking into the night, going on little adventures and holidays and there was always a lot of sex. Unfortunately sex has been something we have physically been unable to do for about 6 months, due to a physical problem down there he had, but the good thing he has had it sorted but we just have to wait until the healing process is complete. I’m sorry this is so long (!) Another issue he has is having to deal with back pain, which sometimes goes down to his glutes. He tells me that when I cuddle up to him in bed and get too close to him in the night, it restricts his movements and he can’t position himself properly. I have tried to lie in my space, and I feel so restricted like I’m sleeping like a soldier, and daren’t move. A lot of the time I donstay on my side, but when I’m sleeping I’m not conscious of what I’m doing, so I can’t always help it.Because of his bad back we have ordered a brand new specialist Tempur mattress especially for his back, and also a super king size base (we currently have a king size). The mattress was not my choice, and as my back is fine and I wasn’t bothered about buying a new bed he has forked out a lot of money for the mattress. I agreed to pay for the actual base and also some quality bed sheets (as I suffer with eczema, so the fabric is super important to me). The other night he had a terrible sleep. On top of his six days at work of 12 hour shifts each time, he said I was over his side of the bed again and he woke up in pain. This led to him saying he was no longer excited about the new bed, as he just feels it could be a waste of money, and all the hours he has been working to pay for the bed, could be a waste. Now he is talking about getting two single beds. He already knows which one he wants and says I have to pick mine. It makes me feel forced into buying something that I don’t want. I’m fine with the bed we have and simply haven’t got the money for a new bed.This year has been difficult for me in terms of having reduced pay due to being furloughed, and it has meant that I have still got a credit card with an outstanding balance, which is something I had planned to clear this year. Yesterday I had washed the bedding and put the clean sheets on, and I thought we could try sleeping at the other side of the bed, as I always used to sleep on the side he calls ‘his’ before we met. I feel I naturally gravitate towards that side. I told him about this as we were watching a film downstairs before bed, and he didn’t say much, but he seemed ok about it. After the film he fell asleep on the sofa, and I went upstairs, and started sleeping on ‘his side of the bed’, just to try it. He came up a few hours later, which woke me, and I reminded him about the new sides - just to try - and he did not like it at all! He said I was forcing him back downstairs. So he went downstairs and sent me the following message: Do you realise how tired I am?? And how much I need this sleep????....and how much energy it uses to break up my sleep and come up to bed??Thanks for this ??My reply was:Sorry, I’ll move over for you’ (followed by our usual kisses).He did come up eventually, but he has been in a mood with me since.I feel I do everything I can for our relationship. In my spare time I do all of the housework, food shopping, planning and cooking, on top of working and contributing equally to the bills. He has no time for house stuff, or much else these days (but as I said previously this is something he is trying to change, by getting a job with more suitable hours). I rarely feel appreciated for what I do, but I can’t help it, as I like to help however I can.I should also mention that when we first bought this house he had more of a deposit than I did, as he had more equity in his previous house. I still put a large chunk down, which was everything I could afford, just like he did - everything he could afford, and we had it all legally documented. There are times when he brings up money, and he reminds me of the extra he has put in the house. I have said that if it’s a problem just take it back out of the house - as he mentioned it a good few times. Recently he has suggested that when it comes to remortgaging he might just do that, and put the money towards another house which he could rent, and use as an income. Obviously this would increase the mortgage payments for us both in the house we both own - something that I can’t really afford to do, and it was never the original plan when we moved in. I feel this would be wrong and inconsiderate of him. I’m trying to see his side, which is why I’m asking for other people’s perspectives. Although, in a relationship I feel there shouldn’t be ‘sides’ and both parties should work ‘together’ and find a solution and be considerate of one another. This is always what I believe, but it’s hard to talk to people that know you, I find, as I don’t want them to worry about me, or judge etc, which is why I’m here.He has never lived with anybody before, and as I say he is a perfectionist. All of this with his bad upbringing, on top of his health issues (sleep, none existent sex life, back pain, body clock and unfulfilling job) I feel is affecting how he is with me. Some other people perspectives would be very welcome here. Thank you all!
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female
reader, Tinacandida +, writes (15 August 2021):
 This sounds like a very stressfull situation. He probably cant cope with his back oain, theres nothing worse trying to live a normal life when you have pain. Hes going to absolutely burn himself into the ground with the hours he does. He coul be heading for a breakdown or a heart attack if he doesnt slow down. You sound like you are going along for the ride, trying to p,ease his every whim but suffering yourself too. I know you posted this some months ago, i hope you have both come to some halfway compromize and found a way to cope better.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 December 2020):
 1. He can't remortgage without your consent. If you are both on the deed and the loan.
So if you DO NOT agree with that don't sign any papers on that!
However IT WAS your suggestion to do so!! "I have said that if it’s a problem just take it back out of the house - as he mentioned it a good few times." So SAY what you mean ands mean what you say!
YOU DO contribute!! with cooking, cleaning, paying HALF the bills too! etc. So how is HE owed MORE?
2. I KNOW it's a very "British thing" to buy a house with a partner WHO is not your spouse and then down the line if things don't work out there is a financial mess on the hands. BUT why oh why!! buy a house with someone you are ONLY dating!?! It makes things EXCTRA hard! Because you can't just walk out of there if things just don't work! No you have to split assets (not just pack your shit and take the couch!)
It seems like you have a partner who is "My way or the highway" and "I'm always right" - what YOU call a perfectionist. He IS that way because that is what lead him out of a bad situation. He trusted his own instincts, he worked hard and he never looked back. So he thinks EVERYONE should be like that because he was THE success story of HIS family. It worked for him! So... logically, it should work for anyone.
It also seems like BECAUSE he makes more money HE gets a "bigger say"... but why?
The thing is, you are a different person with a different background, different experiences, You are you.
He is in pain from recent surgery. And YOU want to switch sides of the bed? He shouldn't BE sleeping on the cough.
Having separate beds might NOT be a bad thing. You will be able to toss and turn ( I sleep like a "rotisserie chicken", turning all night - my husband wakes up in the same position and same spot he went to bed in). So I get that. I can ONLY imagine HOW uncomfortable it is for BOTH of you sleeping in the same bed! You, because you can't move, which comes NATURAL to you. And HE, because every time you DO move it HURTS! So EASY solution! 2 beds.
2 beds doesn't mean he doesn't LOVE you anymore. Or doesn't want intimacy anymore. It means you two are NOT compatible when it comes to sleep. Which... not uncommon. It's not LIKE you NEED a BIG bed if you want intimacy and sex? Right?! But for now... HE needs space to heal and YOU needs space to "rotate".
Then you ALSO need to have a conversation about "house stuff".
It is NOT fair in any way shape or form that YOU do ALL the YOU do all of the housework, food shopping, planning and cooking, on top of working and contributing equally to the bills. And you don't even make 1/2 of what he does!! So When he talks about ALL the things he has added to the house, what MONETARY value does "all of the housework, food shopping, planning and cooking" account for?!!!
I would start by getting new beds, then see if that overall makes an improvement in both your lives.
Then you two need to make a budget so HE can see how much of your actual income goes into the house, then talk chores. If HE doesn't have time for them, you should (in a sense) put a monetary value on it. You know HE would if the shoe was on the other foot and HE did all the cooking, cleaning etc...
You two need to TALK. And LISTEN to one another.
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