A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My fiancee and I are going through a rut. We are together 2 years and moved in 2 months ago. Before we moved in it was hard to have sex as we were either at my parents or at the appartment he shared with friends. The only time we could have sex is if the guy he lived with was gone or in a hotel. When we moved in he was still trying to back away from sex, when I ask him he is always tired or says maybe and well we dont end up doing it, when I told him I have needs he laughed at my face. Last week I was incredibley horny so the only way was kissing him loads and we ended up having sex 3 times in the day but it was like pulling teeth to get him to make love to me. This week he turned me down 4 times with ridiculous excuses and then said 'look im your first before you met me you were a virgin you haven't a clue , some couples are lucky to have it once a month' Since then i began thinking why on earth would a man say this unless he loves the idea of doing it just once a month, is once a month normal? because I don't know. At the beginning the first 3 to four months sex was great , he used to do oral on me and all but hasnt done it in almost a year and a half which kinda disappoints me as I feel hes turned off me or something. When I mentioned this he laughed and said oral maybe. It is like he knows i wont cheat so therefore he knows he can leave me hanging without sex for weeks if he wants to. I am at a stage now where i dont want to ask for sex now as I have been rejected so many times. I feel so worthless over it and angry . I always am the one the make the move the move on sex always! Sometimes when I ask he groans and says ok and then I feel awkward having it. I dont want any counselling sessions with him I just need advice on whats the best thing to do for me here? We are getting married in a year and already I feel my sex life if brutal even though he tells me once a month is the norm with couples! We are together just two years for cripes sake.! All the time he used to tell me before we met how he has sex 8 times a night with an ex which is circling in my mind all the time. I'd so so grateful on advice.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2014): If you are newly married or living together, I would say the norm would be 2-3 times a day during 1st year, once a day during 2nd year,3-4 times a week in the third year, maybe still 2-3 times in 1 night on some special nights.What he is suggesting is after 20 yrs together, not 2 years.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2014): It's not going to work. It already is not working. Whatever his reasons for not wanting sex, it doesn't really matter any more. He's not even admitting it's a problem and he's laughing at you for having normal feelings. Just end things now because it honestly will get worse and worse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2014): Thereis no so called norm. What normal for one is not normal for another.USUALLY though men in their 20s and 30s have more desire for sex than men in their 40s or 50s. Testosterone issue. But even for young men its not the same for everyone. I new several 20 years olds who were very quite when it came to sex. They could easy obstain for a a week. Andi know coupe of 40 and even 50 year old men who needed it almost every day. Once a month is considered very seldom. Married couples after many many years of living together might go to that schedule or even no sex over e years, but for young people its very unusual. It would to be a problem though if you were like him, low sex drive. But you are not. You just have different requirements.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 November 2014):
 I agree with both FA and SVC
YOU two are just NOt compatible. Getting married will NOT change things, he will NOt want sex or intimacy MORE because you share a last name, address & a ring.
FOR most couple your age once a month is NOT the norm, MAYBE in your 60's after 30 years of marriage... but in your twenties after "only" 2 years together? Nope.
I have to say, walk away as well. Or you will become frustrated and bitter and he will TELL you that you KNEW before marriage so "suck it up".
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 November 2014):
 No it's not normal at your age.
Some folks have lower sex drives than others. The key it to find a person who has the same drive you do.
You want sex either daily or every other day. He wants sex NEVER so he offers once a month as a compromise.
THIS will not work. And the bad news is that it will only get worse as the relationship goes on.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (7 November 2014):
 Give the ring back. To an extent there is no such thing as normal. Every couple does what works for them.But there are limits. For example less than 10 times a year is considered sexless. That is what your guy wants. Most people consider that not enough.
The important thing is sexual compatibility. He wants 6 times a year, you want six times a week. There is way to much distance to make a compromise. Meeting halfway would leave you both miserable. This is what sexual incompatibility looks like. This is why you are frustrated and unhappy. It is not going to get better, even with counseling.
The #1 reason for living together and long engagements is to determine if you are compatible. Well it worked for you, because now you know that you are not compatible. Don't fight it, just let it (him) go.
FA
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