A
female
age
41-50,
*likenight
writes:Hi. I am looking for suggestions, not to be judged or criticised. I am 26, my fiancee is 32. We're getting married next weekend. I am feeling like I'm not good enough and I have been feeling this way for a while now. We have a 4 1/2 month old baby and I am 3 months pregnant, they were planned. After this baby, I am getting on the i.u.d. so that we don't have any more children. The reason I feel not good enough, I think is because I quit my job last April to have our 1st baby. I worked until my due date. My job is no longer available, and I don't have any great skills or education such as a degree, so that if I did get a job I couldn't earn enough to make it worth putting 2 babies in day care, as it is $200 a week per child where I live. My fiancee is working and supporting us, but I get so bored at home with a baby and one on the way, I would like to be working. I don't have any close relatives or friends that would help out either with day care. I know that when the kids are in school I can work, but until then I am going to feel so worthless. Before the baby I was independant, I didn't rely on a man. So now I feel like he may see me as not good enough. He wants to marry me, so I know this likely isn't the case..I had an interview for a really good job, but I read that I would have to be on call and me having a baby that is not an option so I couldn't take it. I know it was my choice to have kids, and I am not feeling sorry for myself. I guess I am just looking for other women who have been in this situation, and for some words of encouragement. I don't want to feel low on my wedding day..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): It definetly is not post pardom depression. Online classes are very expensive and we can't afford them right now.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007): Sounds like you have every reason to be full of overwhelming emotions at the moment so I would give yourself a bit of a break! Look at what you have already acheieved and be proud that you are hanging in there with so much on your plate. Your already looking after a baby, one on the way, about to get married and your life has changed dramatically over a short period of time. It is understandable that you are feeling a bit out of control.
When you have been independent in your life, doing stuff that spins your world, work, career etc, then you are a "mum" it takes some time to adjust. What you will discover is it's the best job in the world and one that you can get just better and better at! You'll see that when you let go of what you thought things might be. Cheerish your babies now, they grow up fast, sounds like you have a man in your life who wants to take care of you and the children and that makes you pretty special. Maybe you could thing of jobs you could do at home, or take this time to do some type of online courses to upskill. Look maybe to see if there is a support group of other mums, we have that type of thing here in my country. Or, you could perhaps start your own group of like minded mums, who have a brain and can stimulate you mentally.
But, give yourself a break! Think of this as an exciting and challenging, changing time for you. You can now look and take some time out to be ready to get back into the work force. I think personally it is too soon to go there.
You need to think about what you have had on your plate lately and realise that your doing pretty well. Your perhaps scared that you are loosing yourself to motherhood, totally normal!. Make a list of your goals and dreams and tick off the ones that you can do. then get ready for the ones that may take a little more time to acheive. Have a wonderful and happy Wedding, don't be sad and anxious that you are not good enough, this is your wedding day with the man you love, your starting a new chapter in your life now, as a team! Be the best team you can be and that may not be anything to do with whether you have a good job or not. You do have a job as a mum and wife, your just not seeing that way.
Happy Wedding Day to you and yours!
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (7 September 2007):
 Head to the doctor to make sure postpartum depression isn't a possibility. Then, once you have the next baby, don't stay home. I don't mean go out and get a job, I mean take the kids to places. Find a mom's group and hang out with them.
My husband is a stay-at-home dad. He found a group and they go to parks, the aquarium (annual pass so that it's not too expensive), the children's museum, etc. Our kids are 18 months apart and he's been doing this since the second one was born.
Once they're a little older, think about going back to school so that you can have something to fall back on when once they're both over 3 (and hence daycare gets cheaper).
Good luck.
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