A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello Dearcupids, I hope you can help me out on this situation!Last night I went on a night out with a very good male friend of mine. We don't see each other very often but chat online daily - I would actually consider him to be one of my best friends. We're close and get on really well!The night out went great! We both had a good time and got a bit drunk - I ended up sitting on his knee and he suddenly started kissing me passionately. I remember thinking at the time that it was due to his drunken state and it meant nothing! I didn't see a problem with it at all, it was just a bit of fun in my mind :)We took a break, and he said to me "Do you think we should get together, and give it a try?" but I didn't take him seriously and replied "you're only saying that because you're drunk, you don't really like me - we're just friends" then his response was "well if i was joking, would I be doing this...." (then he continued to kiss me) So that went on for quite a while, and we just spoke openly to each other; chatting about how we find each other attractive etc. Anyway, we got kicked out of this particular pub and walked on to another (hand-in-hand). We had a dance and enjoyed the rest of the night! However...He was walking me home, but wanted to stop off to have a pee. So I waited for him at the corner while he did so! Afterwards, he called me over to him - he took my hand then we walked down a passage behind my local church. I can't recall what was going through my mind at this moment of time, I think I was in a bit of a daze! And basically we ended up on the floor, with him on top of me and kissing me. Then to my shock, he asked "Do you want to have sex?" and I initially said "No - we're JUST friends" but it happened anyway! However, the experience wasn't good. I didn't feel 'turned on' enough by him to actually have full intercourse! And all that was on my mind was - "This is wrong, This shouldn't be happening". Being in the situation, I really wanted to! But my heart just wasn't in it. So eventually, I think he realised this and he stopped trying to penetrate me. He continued to walk me home, but I was in shock by what had just happened so wasn't quite myself and a bit quiet. He noticed and asked if i was Okay and stuff, and all I could do was apologise to him. I made it clear that I only see him as a friend and that was why my body couldn't prepare itself for sex -because as much as I tried, I couldn't force myself to be sexually attracted to him. He completely understood, we agreed not to mention it again and 'forget about it'. I was hoping he would literally forget about it anyway because he'd had a bit to drink. However, when I think back - he actually seemed quite sober! Also, today, neither of us are very talkative on facebook as we usually would be. So it's all a bit awkward at the moment! I know the clock can't be turned back. But I don't know what to do! He's a really good friend but I think last night's occurances could potentially ruin our friendship. I also suspect he was being truthful last night when he said he really liked me. I don't know why, but through the way he talks to me constantly on facebook - i've always had the 'instinct' that he did like me as more than a friend. And my instincts rarely disobey me, in the past i've always ended up being right with my judgements! I don't want to lose him as a friend, ever. He's an amazing guy but just not the one for me. I do find him attractive but as far as feelings are concerned, there is nothing! Just to put across my view. I believe that you should only have sex with someone you have feelings for, are in a stable relationship with and know very well. I don't sleep around with strangers and certainly wouldn't participate in 'Friends with Benefits' - Not that there's anything wrong with it! It's just not for me. A last thing I would like to mention is that my First experience of sex was very unpleasant. My boyfriend at that time, was forceful with me and I really wasn't ready - yet I convinced myself I was! It was so painful I can't even bare to think about it. This had a negative affect on my second relationship, and I was actually terrified of having sex with him and couldn't relax enough to actually go through with it - despite how much I cared and loved him. So as you can see, i've got a few issues with sex and also have strong views on the subject. I don't know if any of this is even relevant to my question but I just thought it could be useful background information.Any advice is very much appreciated. I also apologise for the length of this post and would like to Thank You for taking the time to read it.
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a break, best friend, drunk, facebook, kissing Reply to this Question
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male
reader, ManAfterChrist  +, writes (1 August 2010):
 Let us know what happens! Thanks for the kind words.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you ever so much!
I can see it more clearly from his point of view now. I think my idea to let him talk to me first is probably not going to get us anywhere...
I'm going to be the bigger person and break the ice between us. He needs to know that I still value him as a friend.
Thanks again! X
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A
male
reader, ManAfterChrist +, writes (28 July 2010):
Hmm, well if that is what your vibes are telling you, then follow them. However, I want to throw this out there.
He was always initiating conversation because he was interested in you. Then he talked to you the following day just to not be a butthole, but he felt really awkward after being let down so the conversation was offish; he was heavily thinking about what he said to you, because he was over-analyzing everything. Now, because you haven't made any leap of faith to talk to him, he can assume that you were very put off that evening and don't want to talk to him. In his mine, he more than likely won't rationalize out "Oh, well I've always talked to her first." Instead, he may just see that you two aren't talking.
Follow your gut, I'm just trying to show another side just in case you haven't thought about everything. Good luck. Keep us updated on the situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses.
I really want to take your advice - talk to him, apologise and ask if we can be friends. But you know when you can't quite find the right words to say? I don't want to make things more awkward than they already are.
Furthermore, we agreed on that night to forget it ever happened - so if I do bring it up in conversation, it's as though i'm dragging it back up again.
I understand that he is feeling rejected and embarrassed about what happened. I know exactly how he feels, because i've been in a similar situation before. Mine and this particular guy's first encounter after the 'goings on' was very awkward, and we didn't say a word to each other - So I bravely decided to break the ice, apologised in person and told him how stupid I was! Afterwards, things slowly got back to normal between us.
So referring back to this situation, maybe I should wait until he decides to talk to me? Afterall, he is always the one who initiates our online conversations anyway. He is also aware I want to stay friends because we left each other on good terms the other night and as I mentioned in my original post, we spoke briefly the following day. I was being completely normal with him, and making most of the conversation whereas he was seemingly offish with me. I just feel that he needs space and that I should wait for him to contact me when he is ready to?
But if he doesn't contact me in the near future, i'm scared that I will drift apart from a very good friend.
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A
male
reader, ManAfterChrist +, writes (26 July 2010):
It sounds like he's been interested for awhile, and took the whole night along with the kissing as proof that you were interested as well.
He's more than likely confused, and also feeling the pain of rejection. Talk to him, assure him that you hold nothing against him and would love to hang out again, but just as friends. He honestly might not be interested in just being friends, but if he is then I'm sure everything will work itself out. If he isn't interested, then it's not your fault. You weren't interested in a relationship, so he moves on. No big deal.
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