| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have been with my fiancé 5 year and engaged for 2 and due to get married this summer.We have alway got on really well, never lived together but started building a house which is nearly complete.We don't row much but when we do I alway's seem to give in to keep the peace. Over new years we had a big row which was seen by a few close friends. He was very drunk but was out of order and I feel myself that he crossed the line. I told him I wanted a break, but met him a week later. He apologised and felt we should have had the row resolved by now. The problem is I have some serious doubts about going through with the wedding now.Looking back I have organised a lot of the house and the wedding myself. I organise all financial issues and as the main income I cover a lot of the bills. I also admit that I have him spolied by catching and fetching, almost like his mother.I don't know what to do and don't want to talk to family. My friends that witnessed the row are quite annoyed that he treated me that way drink or no drink. I have warned him before and he now says it won't happen again. But I can't be sure. I have also started to look as our relationship more seriously and feel differently about it. I feel he shows me little affection and doesn't pull his weight.I feel I deserve better in a way. I know he is embarassed about what has happend and loves me very much. I do love him but don't want to end up in a unhappy marriage but don't want to regret loosing him over a row that got out of hand.
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a break, drunk, engaged, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, happylife +, writes (11 January 2007):
After dating this guy for five years I'm sure you have observed the reality of all relationships: They usually don't get better as time goes on. On the contrary, most relationships deteriorate with time. That is why, divorce is high.
What you are experiencing in your relationship is inevitable no matter who you date or marry. If you leave him, you will find someone that will be very attentive and loving during the first year or two but after another five years I'm sure you will be back to square one.
The bottom line is that there is no perfect person. While you may dislike somethings about this guy, there are other qualities that he has that mean a whole lot to you. If you leave him you may find someone who will have all the qualities he lacks but may also lack the good qualities he has. You will never find it all. No matter who you marry, you will always have to sacrifice at least one extremely important quality that you always wanted.
In conclusion, you can't look for someone who you won't have a bone to pick with. Instead, you can look for someone who has a bone that you are willing to pick with. However, no matter who you pick, expect to pick a bone with him.
Is this the bone you want to pick for the rest of your life??? That is for you to decide. Can you be married without having a bone to pick with your husband??? Absolutely NO!!!!
Good luck,
Happylife
A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (9 January 2007):
 i think the fact that you are having doubts is a serious concern no matter how much u guys love each other, what will be the point of getting married in a few mths time and seperate the next hour? you spent 5yrs with him and i think u guys got comfortable and thought of going with the flow although none of really planned that. you decided to get married but u didnt sort some issues that are important between a couple like finances, who does what and how etc etc i am not married but those who are married will agree with me that under the circumstances u guys arent ready but it is not too late to get yourselves counsiling.
he also need to sort himself out because he sound a bit immature for someone who is about to get married and u seem like the one who is holding this relationship together, maybe a little break if he is not getting his act togethet can do you guys justice. you deserve his word coupled by actions not just promises that arent fulfilled. good luck
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A
female
reader, Lilly223  +, writes (9 January 2007):
 Well now that you have enlightened yourself to what your expectations are, you need to pass them on to him. (By the way, it is good that you did this thinking before marriage, rather than after... it's easier to deal with sooner than later!) Tell him exactly what you have told us, give him a bit of time to consider what you are saying, but set a date for when you expect further discussion about this matter, where you can both sit a discuss it like rational adults. If he has no input when you both discuss this issues at hand, I would suggest that you seriously consider not going ahead with the marriage until you have these issues resolved. I would try this approach rather than break up with him... you have six months until the wedding, while you don't want to wait until the last minute to set boundries and guidlelines for your relationship, you still have time.
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A
female
reader, Nina_F +, writes (9 January 2007):
Hi there..
You will agree with me that you have been seeing red flags since the beginning of the relationship, I think...
You have given him a lot,allowed hurtful behavior to continue, and generally set a pattern which he is not going to get out of. And since the future is usually a reflection of the past, his behavior is not going to get better - it will, in fact, most certainly get worse.
Take a break, girl, put the wedding off for a while with NO CONTACT until you can think clearly about marrying a man like this...
Last remark: what advice would you give your best friend if she had written this email to you?
Feel free to write again.
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