A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am concerned over his apparent lack of ambition.I am engaged to be married next Fall. My fiance has a lot of wonderful qualities, and I love him very much. However, I am very concerned about how well he and I will fare financially and even more concerned about how little he's done so far to give us a better chance starting off.He does Computer work, so there is a lot of potential there for him to make a good salary, but he is still on the entry level end of it. He has to start earning certifications to increase his marketability and earning potential and he's been "studying" for them for at least the past year, but the date to take the test keeps getting pushed back. First, he was saying April, then May, etc-it's now July.He will be moving to where I live (very expensive area) and he has two kids he will need to send child support to. I also have a child. I work a full time job and my fiance is banking on me working for us to be financially stable. I don't have a problem with that entirely since I have always worked (other than a couple years after my son was born) but I don't like feeling like he can't support all of us if need be-for example, I'd like to be a stay at home mom for at least a couple years if we have a child together. I come from a traditional upbringing where the husband/father takes care of the family and the fact that he cannot bugs me. It bugs me even more that I keep stressing what we are up against, yet, it doesn't seem to push him to start taking the exams and earning his certifications.What can I do? I'm trying not to nag-but nothing I seem to say pushes him to get a move on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2014): I don't think OP means that she wants to be a kept woman, I think what she is trying to say that she doesn't see in her future husband a support that she would need through the life and will have to do everything herself if the need arises. To care for a baby in a first 2 years is very important. Usually a mother is the one who stays home with a child. It doesn't make her kept woman. This is the time when husband steps in and takes care of the family. I think OP means exactly this, that she doesn't feel it's possible as she is the main provider. I am in a same situation with my husband. When we had a small child, I was turned between my work and her. He didnt make any decisions about babysitters, everything connected wi bills, childcare and so on I had to do.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2014): You want him to be able to support 6 people on his salary for two years? (You, him, his kids, your child and another new born) Do a rough estimate of how much it costs to see what sort of salary he'd have to earn. Given his lack of ambition do you see him making that kind of money? It's quite a lot to ask. In an ideal world most parents would love to look after their children full time. But it's not usually feasible.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2014): I don't think he can fulfill the goals you want him to while he is supporting two children of his own and helping to support you and your child and potentially another child. I would discuss it all with him and think carefully about the future together. He isn't driven enough, although it could be he will get there at some point. You sound like you want to be with someone who makes a lot more money and who has the drive to get there.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 July 2014):
 I'm an IT specialist and while I've studied for the exams I do not take them as my agency will not pay for me to take them.
It's a. very expensive to take them and b. you don't always pass they are very tough tests.
that aside, I think that you are marrying the man you THINK he can be and YOU WANT him to be but not the man he is.
I think you are being very unfair to him and very unrealistic in your attitude.
I think truly it might be better for you to break off your engagement and find a man who meets your needs now rather than falling in love with someones POTENTIAL.
either that or accept that you will not be a SAHM and he will not be the primary bread winner.
FWIW, I make 33k more than my spouse and we still run a very traditional household.. he's the man so even though I am older and make way more than he does HE IS THE BOSS.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2014): So basically you want to mould him into a nice little sugar daddy so he can "support all of us if need be"?
There's no "need be" about this, OP, that's pretty much one of your conditions, that's your plan. You want him to be able to afford you, your child, his two children and another child you want with him.
I mean you've seriously come here criticising his ambition because you want his ambition to be to make you a kept woman with the convenience of the "I'm traditional" excuse. Weird that a person whose ambition in life is to have someone else pay her way would criticise someone for not becoming that for her fast enough.
Can you not see the flaw in that attitude?
OP there is nothing wrong with being a kept woman, if you and he are happy to have a life where he is the sole provider then there's nothing wrong with that but your attitude towards it is very entitled, demanding and hypocritical.
I mean you're actually frustrated and a bit pissed off he's not breaking his back to give you an easy life.
I'd be very adverse to "hurrying up" for someone with that kind of attitude if I'm honest.
Why would I want to bow to a woman with no patience who thinks I somehow owe her an easy life? Especially when she's not only capable of working to earn good money herself but also raise a child as a single mother at the same time, which is quite an accomplishment in the first place.
You have no right be pissed off at him for not doing what you want him to fast enough when what you're demanding is that he be sole provider for you and your child.
It's a very selfish attitude and you compound it by trying to water this down as "needs be" type scenario when you then go on to explain that it's how you were raised and what you believe should happen. You want this so badly it's pissing you off he's not earning enough money to keep you.
OP look you have to patient. You're getting married soon, he has a big move coming up too that involves moving away from where his kids are (?), piling him becoming a sole provider for you on top of that is a little much to dump on this man you love so much with so many wonderful qualities.
I mean you're basically saying this man is not good enough for you, but he can be, but again only if he hurries the hell up so you can kick back and be kept.
OP he is who he is. He earns what he earns and it's very possible he may not have the ability or opportunity to earn that much money. What then? There's also the possibility he may even lose his job sometime and then what? Sounds to me like him not having enough money to keep you is a bit of a dealbreaker, because it's actually pissing you off and the first bump in the road you may hit that affects how much he earns and this marriage probably wouldn't survive.
OP take him as he is now or not at all, you haven't been living the traditional way for a long time now, you're able to live non-traditionally and you do it well too. You're asking him to make a huge sacrifice and have you even stopped to consider the idea that maybe you being a fully functional, independent woman is one of the qualities he loves in you?
My wife is very driven in her career and earns great money. One of the key attractions for me is the fact that even after marriage she's very independent in terms of her attitude to everything, including money. I even have the means to keep her and a very large brood but her independent attitude means I can always rely on her to pick up the slack should my "earning potential" evaporate. I can rely on her, OP, and I feel secure with her because I know come hell or high water she'll stick with me when to comes to money.
Your guy has no such security because the conditions you set on him are very high and leave no room for compromise because they're so important to you that they piss you off.
With a woman like you I'd be constantly stressed, any minor thing in work becomes a major thing of stress, getting my certificates and a pay rise are concrete conditions of having you, I know money is the important thing in our relationship and it then becomes too important to me and I'd just constantly stress about it.
That's not a marriage, a marriage is a partnership and you don't marry someone who's not good enough as they are because you can never guarantee they'll become the person you want to be and in your case have as much money as you want them to have.
By all means strive for your ambition to be a kept woman, but at least be honest with him and not try to water this down. Let him know how important it is because should he ever less than you want in the future it'll go from bugging you to ruining the relationship for you.
All due to your attitude, OP, nothing else.
In your position I'd re-examine the importance of this in terms of being his partner. He got me as an independent person he can rely on, I wouldn't dare to demand he change so I can take away what is most likely the thing he likes about me the most.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2014): Your post resonates with me and my own circumstances and I felt compelled to respond. I am going to be blunt with it too because I don't know you and perhaps can be honest in a way that you need right now - a way that those around you who know your relationship cannot. Let us imagine a scenario whereby you are single (not engaged) and you are looking after your child on your own - its tough but you are clearly resourceful and determined. You would seek a man who not only shared your interests and was attractive to you emotionally and physically but who shared your ambition for a comfortable life that, although it may not have everything, where you share the same aspirations and can live the dreams you have. Better still you would look to be with someone who could provide for you in the here and now - perhaps they have children already but maybe they don't. My boyfriend is a lovely guy in the main. I started dating him when I was at a low-ish point in my life and he has really stuck by me. However, as time has gone on I can see that we want things at a very different pace. He is the kind of person that will quite happily just go along with life not rocking the boat. I come from a family of entrepreneurial types or at least people who have aimed high. Sure we are not massively wealthy but the goals have been in place - a sense of security for the future. You have to get really honest with yourself for your own sake and that of your child. Love will be undermined and resentment sets in when you are 'carrying' a man. That resentment will only grow. I know that some people will say to give him a chance and I am sure his intentions are there but I would hate to think you are having to keep pushing, pushing at every single stage. I sound ruthless but ultimately this is about your values - those your family also have. I get the feeling you are in deep emotionally.. but if you had the chance to start again you would. You could give this another 3 months, agree with him during a calm conversation to set goals - both of you - and tell him how you want your life to be... and then if you have stuck to things your side and yet your life is not shaping up how you want then you have every right to move on. I think its pointless giving him an ultimatum - all you will do is force his hand to do something un-natural and then you will not know the real him until you are married and living together.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (10 July 2014):
 How many people can live off one salary nowadays? Very few. You are setting an expectation that hardly anyone can fulfil.
He's going to take his exams, so let him take them when he's ready. I work in IT, and I can tell you that IT certification exams are very hard indeed to pass.
Have realistic, achievable expectations and you'll both be happier.
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