A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is a little long, and slightly detailed, so I apologize in advance. I started dating a guy a few months ago, who has only been separated with his wife for almost a year. Against every logical reasoning, I continued to date him, after the first date, when I found out he wasn't officially divorced. Like mentioned before, its been a few months now, and things have been going very well. In the last month, he has become a lot more affectionate, spending more time with me, talking on the phone for hours while he is working, spending the night a lot more, making comments about what he "loves" about me, he has even brought his son up to my work while I was working (I work at a restaurant) to eat, and let me meet him. Very sweet kid!! Well, I should also mention he works as an officer in a neighboring city of where I work in NC. Being as we both work the late shift, sometimes he will stop in to chat. Lately I have noticed that he has been in the area a lot more, even though he usually works elsewhere. He has been bringing up his coworkers to take breaks with him (which makes me very nervous because I feel like I'm on display). The weird part is, is that I'll see him drive by, but he wont stop in (his squad car is a different color then the other guys', and I hadn't ever seen his type before we started dating), or I hear from my friends who are officers in the city I work in that they saw him doing a traffic stop a few blocks down, or my coworkers have mentioned seeing him at the gas stations in the area. He hasn't said anything about being close by when he is. Some of my friends say that he is just being protective, knowing I work in a bad part of town, and just checking up on me by driving by, or being in the area. They also say that he is just showing me off, by bringing his coworkers up to my work. I have met his close friends, and we get along pretty well, one of them even has my number, and has text me from time to time, which of course I immediately tell my guy, he always tells me thats just how his friend is.I'm assuming he has some strong feelings for me being that he has allowed me to meet his son, which we always make sure to hang out with out him around, so as to not confuse him (he's 4), he's starting to open up a lot more to me, and things have become a lot more... intimate. He's invited me to go out and join him in more everyday stuff. He's always been open about his days, we talk or text every day, and i'm about 99% sure he isn't dating anyone else, and I have tried to make it obvious i'm not dating anyone else, because I have noticed he has made some jealousy comments ("who else are you talking to" or "oh, lots of eligible bachelors around huh?") and when I say I'm not talking to anyone else, he quickly switches the subject, or makes it sound like he was talking about something else.I just don't know what to think about everything. We haven't talked about being exclusive, or having a title, but both of us have agreed we are dating. I kind of want to know if anyone has been in a situation similar to mine, or if anyone has advice as to what they think he's thinking? Any thoughts would help! Thank you!Side note, their marriage hadn't been going well for years, and only were together in the last few years mostly for their son, he says she isn't 100% to blame, he takes part in it too, but that she cheated on him, and did not treat him well at all, was the cherry on top of the end of the relationship (I know this to be true, I found out later his wife and I have a mutual friend... EEK!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice! I really appreciate it!
I can understand the fact that he wants to check up on me, I'm not really worried about that, even though it is different then what I have had before. Yes, he does have some insecurity issues, and definitely some jealousy things going.
He keeps leaving stuff at my place, which doesn't bother me, but when I point it out, and he still doesn't take it with him, or leaves important work stuff at my place and doesn't tell me until 2 minutes after we leave my place that he forgot it and doesn't want to turn around and get it even though we have time is what is weird. That and the fact that he left the important work thing (though it wasn't mandatory he have it with him all the time at work, its not something I was comfortable having, and I had asked him a few times when he was going to pick it up) with me for a week or so. It baffles me.
He has been going back and forth with speeding things up, then going slow. Partially due to work related stuff, home stuff, etc. I haven't seen his son again since that one day, and he hasn't brought it up. However, he did randomly bring up how his "ex" is trying to fight for full custody, and how he is doing everything he can to make sure that doesn't happen. He hasn't brought up the divorce, or what he is doing with it in a while, so I thought that was weird he would randomly bring it up.
I guess I am really just looking for an unbiased opinion as to how he feels. I know I read too much into things, but it is very hard not to when he has been so... caring. Softer, doing random things. Kissing me a lot more and it not leading to sex, wanting to hear about my bad days, being protective since I live in a bad area, doing the "hug and kiss on the forehead", making it known to his coworkers that we are infact in some kind of "relationship". Considering his job, he is trained to be unreadable, which is why its making it hard for me to read his feelings.
Anyway, I appreciate your thoughts more then you know! Thank you so much!!
A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (10 June 2013):
 Hello, The first thing that you need to bear in mind is that this man is divorced...or soon to be. That being said, he comes with baggage, not just the sweet kid, but his preconceptions of what relationships should be like...the mistakes he or his wife made, the hurt, the unforgiveness, the jaded feelings and I can go on and on. He is feeling you out....with his questions and comments and bringing his guys over to meet you. His guys are also coming over to meet you so they can make you out anywhere...and report back to him. It seems like he may have insecurity issues....which is understandable because of his previous situation with his wife.I'm a bit surprised that he brought his son into the mix so early in the game though. But anyway.....my best advice to you is this:Go with the flow. You guys have agreed that you are dating. Forget the passing by and him not stopping in...leave that alone. He needs to go through his own process before he can trust you 100 per cent. If that means doing drive bys....then so be it. If you are not doing anything wrong, then you shouldn't be worried. He seems to want to include you in his life...but is taking it slowly sometimes....and then speeding it up...then going back to taking it slowly...just go with his flow for now.I really don't suggest that you have the "where is this going?" conversation just yet. You will know when the time is right for it. He might even bring it up himself. For now, take it slow, let him set the pace and take your time. He just came out of something unfortunate....we creep before we walk.Wishing you well.
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