A
female
age
36-40,
*resentfox
writes:Help me. I'm in love with a man who is not my husband. I'm very confused and even though I love my husband and he is a good man I can't stop thinking of someone else. We talk a lot and we have met up personally. We are work colleagues. I think he feels the same way but is stuck in an arranged marriage. We have tried to ignore each other as we both know its wrong but it it hopeless as we always end up in the same position. I really don't know what to do. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (26 December 2017):
 80/20 rule. I heard of this recently where in a good relationship, we get about 80% of our needs met but we lose our minds over someone who can offer that last 20 or so because that “20” tends to be things like: sex appeal, excitement, adventure and attention. Your feelings are, I think, closer to infatuation than love. Infatuation is quickly beating heart, romancing the situation and forgetting other aspects of your life...like the husband who loves you and has been there for you. Take a moment, close your eyes and imagine how much you would hurt him...how much it would hurt you if he developed feelings for someone else. Take a moment, close your eyes and think: is this man worth your reputation? Your integrity? Life as you know it? “Love is patient, love is kind...” If you and this man truly love each other, do the right thing and end your relationships. There is no such thing as being “stuck.” We all have choices. But be kind to your spouses, they deserve that respect at the very least. Don’t go behind their backs.
I would advise you to take some time and go through these emotions. What’s missing with your husband that your eyes are turning to another man? What needs are not being met? Communicate what you need! Make things work. Cause pursuing a married man will give you nothing but the deepest sort of heartache and regret. Love yourself, love your husband and factor all risks before you act. Please.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 December 2017):
 EDIT, Sorry...
What you HAVE to do is decide IS this "thing" work me wrecking my OWN marriage, hurting my husband and this guy's wife OR should I shut it down and WORK on my marriage so I can FEEL fulfilled in the marriage instead?
Should have been...
What you HAVE to do is decide IS this "thing" WORTH me wrecking my OWN marriage, hurting my husband and this guy's wife OR should I shut it down and WORK on my marriage so I can FEEL fulfilled in the marriage instead?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 December 2017):
This is a time to crap or get off the pot moment, OP
It's NOT fair on your husband or his wife (doesn't matter if it was arranged, HE agreed to it and married her).
How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Your husband was mooning over another married woman? I bet you would like it one bit.
You make the "thing" with this coworker seem like it's some kind of rom-com or passionate "if ONLY" thing but in reality it's nothing more that an emotional affair.
Something is not working in YOUR marriage so you are seeking validation/affection/fantasy outside of it and so is he.
What you HAVE to do is decide IS this "thing" work me wrecking my OWN marriage, hurting my husband and this guy's wife OR should I shut it down and WORK on my marriage so I can FEEL fulfilled in the marriage instead?
Shit or get off the pot. THAT is where you are at.
And if you think you and your husband can make it work and you can BE faithful - then DO the work and CUT the other guy off. You CAN NOT have your cake and eat it. It's not realistic.
And you HAVE to accept that this guy at work? Is from a very different culture than yours. While it might SEEM so romantic or whatever - HIS view on marriage and relationships ARE different than yours. He isn't going to work out for you as a partner. Even if you both divorced your spouses. getting along at work, flirting and whatnot tells you NOTHING about how he is as a husband or partner.
If you DO NOT think your husband and yourself will workout long term, then BE a decent person and divorce him. Take some time being single (when the divorce is FINAL) and DO NOT date coworkers. Let your husband go, so he can find someone who WANTS him and only him.
I think you DO know what to do, but you CHOOSE not to do the right thing.
Think about it.
Put yourself in your husband's shoes. Then look at YOUR actions.
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A
male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (25 December 2017):
 I think you need to explore the why of this, what is your husband not giving you that this guy potentially is. Before breaking your marriage asunder, something you will not be able to undo, you need to ask yourself is this really love? Could it be lust which, granted, can feel very much like love?
Perhaps oddly I am going to say trying to ignore at least these feelings would be counterproductive, it wont help and you will just make them stronger, what you need to do is really explore them in depth and get to the root cause of why you are feeling this way. I really would not determine a course of action until you have done this.
Good luck.
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