A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:hello,Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 2 years now, in the start of the relationship everything was perfect, he was the exact man I was looking for after comingout of a terrible long term relationship that ended badly.We faced alot of issues from the start because of his family situation, he has a son from a previous relationship and his son lived with his family and is being taken care of by the grandma. The (mother of the son) is barely in the picture but she will hang out at the house without notice sometimes to hang out with the kid, which created alot of tension on our relationship as the grandma was scared at first that she would try and take the kid away if the child met me and so forth.After awhile, I was introduced to the child but alot of my feelings had been hurt as the grandma didnt want me to meet him incase we broke up, valid reasons, but into the relationship we wanted to have a child together it was early but we really wanted too so I got pregnant, they found out and went crazy on him saying that I was ruining the childs life, etc and they convinced him to make me have an abortion, I didnt want too but the stress from everyone was too much. After that i started to hate them so much, never wanting to be around because I never got an apology and things werent changing in the family dynamic that was promised if i did what i did.. It caused alot of tension in my relationship aswell, he wasnt there for me and understanding how i was feeling and wanted me to just get over it and just have a relationship with them, but I was so angry I then started to take it all out on him, he was so sweet in the beggining but that killed it for me and I would constantly push him away or try and break up, even though I knew i never wanted to break up, i deal with depression really badly so im used to people leaving and I just didnt want to get hurt.After a few months had passed, we decided we were just going to go for it as it hurt us both to have an abortion, the arguing was so bad and i had lost my job and it was hard to find a new job as I was pregnant again and the nausea was so bad I was hospitalized and couldnt handle it and wasnt feeling like he was understanding, as his ex was never sick or his sisters during their pregnancy, he was taking over the rent payments too which put alot of stress on him, so i decided to move away with my other family since he works outside the city for 10 days at a time and is only back for 3 days I needed the support and didnt want to have stress on the baby and let him pay off things he needed too.I moved away for 5 months, he would always fly out once a month to come to the ultrasounds, we were good but still constantly fighting, me threatening to break up, he would always still try and always make it work and never wanted to break up but my hormones were so bad and all we did was belittle eachother about one anothers selves or familes and it was just toxic, i stopped belitting him but he never did.Now that im about to give birth (38 1/2 weeks pregnant) ever since ive been back hes been different, he lived at home again while i was gone and got to always be with his son but now that im back we have a place to live together but he no longer knows how or wants to do both. The constant arguing has just pushed him farther and farther away, for the past month when hes back in town from work, he will stay at his moms house and then not message me when hes back in town until he feels like it the next day, I would freak out because I felt it was right that he atleast came home first when he got back in instead of going straight there because I know it is never just a day, he tries and stays the whole weekend there when i have been waiting to see him too. Then it just causes an even bigger fight and when he finally comes to see me, all we do is argue and he makes it all into my fault when really he just dosent communicate or see my needs. He will now go out to the bar and not tell me anything or care if i say no and then wont talk to me till mid next day. Hes never been like this, usually always wanted to see me and missed me so much, now it dosent even feel like he misses me anymore and he has said hes happier not talking to me as he didnt talk to me for a week once because his phone broke at work and didnt even try and check up on me because then we didnt argue and it was peaceful for him. He usually will still always say that he loves me and tries but this last time was just so different, he was just so fed up with it and was finding it hard to even see the future with me anymore because of the arguing and the conflict with his family, i have made huge efforts with his family but sometimes im so inconsistent and dont want to always go, because i want alone time with him too and he should come home, not that i have to go there and see him.We had a talk before he left to go back to work because he would keep looking at me saying "youre so beautiful and were starting a family but damn", over and over. So finally i was like just tell me already clearly something is bothering you, he said "idk if i want to this anymore, youre going to hate me, i feel quility" and i said do you want to break up? and he said no, i dont want to make any decisions right now, i love you but idk if i want to keep doing this, i just dont want to make any decisions right now, im happy that you hung out with my family today but idk if it will change like it usually does. I told him i wanted a fresh slate so that our daughter could have two parents and not have a broken home and I would try with his family and not freak out when he wants to stay there for the night when he gets back, but right now he just cant see the change. I dropped him off he kissed me and told not to worry as much, but i knew he was just going to ignore me once he was at work.Once he was at work he wasnt saying i love you back or answering my calls, then finally he said " i need some space, this is all too much for me" and he hasnt talked to me in 3 days, i feel as if he might do the entire 10 days and when he gets back of not talking to me and it hurts because he hasnt even tried to check up on me when im due in 9 days and he posts snapchats of him working out and he works 14 hr shifts from 11pm-12am right now, just makes me feel as if he is happier without me and if we werent having a kid hed defiently be gone right now. I dont know why he wont break up, or even if he actually does even love anymore, but if they can not even want to see you when theyre back, act like you dont exsist and want space right before the baby is born is that even love? im not sure what to even do once he is back in town if i reach out or if i wait for him to reach out to me, he is supposed to take 2 weeks off of work to help with the baby after birth and im just terrifed he is thinking of breaking up with him after this birth.... help
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, DancerGirl1984  +, writes (24 June 2019):
I'm going to be really honest here. You were very iresponsibile for getting pregnant again. He wasn't there for you the first time, why in the hell did you think he'd be there for you second time round?A baby does not fix a relationship. In fact, it makes it much much harder to keep the connection going. Which I noticed, wasn't there in the first place. Both of you are too immature to have a child and you will raise it alone most probably and around a very toxic family. The best thing to do which might seem the hardest right now is to dump this loser and move on with your life. Your feelings for him no longer matter. It's your childs environment that take priority over everything else. Please give that child a peaceful, loving and nurturing environment.Good luck
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2019): hello new mum to be..you have no time to worry about him..its draining just reading it and i realise how demoralized you must be.Now is the best time to concentrate on yourself.Try to eat well and sleep well.The boyfriend will be back but mainly to coo over the baby.When someone compliments the baby they are complimenting you also.I think the main problem is the grandmother.I expect the first girlfriend discovered this too, but granny has a way of coming up roses because she is firmly on her sons side and vice versa.He will always put his mum ahead of you regardless.Do you want your little one to be part of granny's creche?Think carefully.You also have the option of letting the dad bring the boy to your house for bonding with your daughter.It doesnt have to involve granny.Your boyfriend is very undecided about his purpose in life and he will blame you for everything if it supports his mama.Primarily is he a son or a partner first?I think he prefers to be a son!You are a person in your own right and you cant change his loyalties but you can establish boundaries.So think now about the amount of time you intend to spend with your child.Apply for maintenance from the dad.Cool down on your emotions to the dad because there will be involvement with the child but he is not behaving as part of a couple who intend to move forward together.Cherish yourself.#See an advice agency about benefits and maintenance and work out ways to manage alone in case the mother/son try to treat you as a surrogate mum and push you away from the child.If you want to replicate the other girls role in her childs life then be very clear about your expectations for the future.Seek a bit of relationship counselling or have a few sessions alone. Create a few people on your side as you are going to need some help now and again.The advantage you have over granny is that your health will last longer presumably and this means you would always be around to be in your childs life, not just for the first sixteen years.I expect the granny has greater buying power than you and a higher level of commitment from her son.I dont think hes treated you well but there is a chance that may change after the baby is born.
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