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female
,
*ally Eead
writes: I am married for 18 years, my husband is a cruel man. He hits me. There is nothing but kids between us. I fell in love with my cousin's husband. He is married and has had lots of affairs. I loved him so much and I got very jealous when he spoke to a girl or took girls' phone numbers. He is a womaniser but tells me he loves me so much. We aparted few times with jealousy reasons. I know he sees and talkes to other girls, he had a sex relationship with someone else which I knew about and I forgave him. But he still keep on cheating. I love him and do not think I can live without him. But I can not accept he is cheating on me. He is married and I am too. I need him but can't accept his cheating. I can't go on like this. what should I do?
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female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (13 December 2006):
 Well first of all your statement that your husband Hits you...there is only one answer to that in my book.
You leave him. Kid's do not thrive in an environment of violence...end of chapter.
Your boyfriend is a permanent cheater...or sexual thrill seeker. If you can't live without him...you must accept that you will not be monogamous. Now I can't make that decision for you but know that he can love you with all his heart and still find pleasure with others. It is not about hurting you...it is not that your not wonderful and perfect.....it is the way he's wired. I hope he does this in a way that he causes as little harm to others as possible....but he is not sounding like someone who could be faithful. You must accept it or move on.
But....you are married to someone else....so He can't technically cheat on you. Now just because he's someone who does not HURT you physically....does not mean he's the only fissshy.
If you want respectful exclusive relationships....you must put yourself in a position to obtain them. (that can't happen when you are rather obligated to two men who do not truly suit you)
Search your heart...figure out what you really want...and take the steps to make it so. Don't wait for perfect man in a shiny suit to come rescue you from your sorrowful tower. And don't expect to turn the boyfriend into shiny suit man by being angry that he cheats.
You are driving You.....the boys need to be strapped back into their car seats until you can see where your going.
A
female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (7 December 2006):
 With kids or not. If you husband is violent,get away from him now. It is the best for you kids.
My father was very violent towards my mother, it traumatised me for life. When I was 17, I finally convinced my mother to leave my dad. I wish she had done this when I was 2 years old! That is how far I remember her marked face!
Now do not jump from one problem to another. You are vulneable and you low self esteem is clouding your judgement and you need attention and seek kindness whenever you can find it.
The fact this man is married is bad enough, he is happy being married and cheating on his wife. You do want to take her place, not a shoes I would want to be in, do yOu?
Third issue, he cheats with other girls, what the hell are you doing to yourself?
Be strong and brave, leave chauvinist husband and move on.
Find someone who will love you and only you. Get away fromt this masoquisti loop.
Good luck xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2006): Your life is spinning out of control and I think you need to do something. You have managed to forgo all foresight, common sense and caution-all because of your neediness and desperation to to feel loved. Now, you've positioned yourself in this no-win, precarious situation from which you will suffer further feelings of loss and unlovability.. Guarunteed. Your marriage is miserable and abusive. So you've inserted yourself into another woman's marriage (your cousin) and taken up with a man who cheats with any female, as a pastime and likely make empty promises to them all, you included. This man is sitting in the 'driver's' seat. He has a wife and family at home..and he has a bevy of mistresses on the side. He is not missing anything in life and he sitting just fine, right where he's at. He will not leave the 'good life' for you. Why should he? And let's theorize for a moment and say he does leave everything for you. What will you both have? You will still have a man who's moral compass is so low..he cheats at the drop of a hat. Is that what you want? And what about you...he will have a woman who readily cheats at the drop of a hat. This relationship will be rife with dysfunction, destructive emotions like jealousy, insecurities, lies, cheating, mistrust, and absolutely no respect. That's not a life any woman should sign up for. Leave it all and walk away.
The only option you have with this who situation...acknowlegement, remorse, change and redress for yourself. This is the prime time you should be thinking about leaving an unhappy, abusive marriage-leaving a womanizing cheater and taking your kids and making a good, decent life of your own. It's time to think of you and get back that self-love which will enable you to be strong and to make choices that will give your life meaning and purpose. You might not like this option because it's just to tough...but life ain't no picnic. But think of the pride, dignity and integrity all this will bring to your life. If you can find the courage to do this on your own...get help from a counselor. But never lose your freedom to make the best, most healthiest choices for you and your kids-it's your responsibility to them, to yourself to choose wisely. Do it and then honor that choice.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (7 December 2006):
Your husband hits you, he's a jerk. The guy you cheat with is a jerk and you're getting just what you want, another cheater. You've brought yourself down to that level. What makes it worse is it's your cousins husband. None of you have any shame. Everybody makes bad choices. Some people see the light and make CHANGES. IT sounds like the people in this saga just continue to make more bad choices and muddy the water.
It makes me cringe when people say they're in it for the kids. In other words, your making a moral decision to giv ehte kids the impression that everything is good at home. What impression will they get when they find out your husband hits you and mommy takes her clothes off with her cousins husband?
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (7 December 2006):
 Hi there,
In my oppinion, you should get rid of both of them. Niether sound worthy of you really, do they?. If a friend asked you the same question, what would you say?, More than likely you would tell them to ditch the loser's. I know its hard to be on your own (really i do). But it may be the way forward for you, and who knows what is waiting for you round the corner. You may bump into the man of your dreams, but with that lot hanging round your neck, will you ever find happiness. YES YOU WILL.
So get shot of both, and have a happy life.
You desserve it XXXX
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A
female
reader, SERENE  +, writes (7 December 2006):
It's true you know, if he cheats with you, then it will not stop him cheating on you. It's difficult to give up on someone you love, but for the sake of your sanity, you have to do it. I found it extremely difficult to give up on my affair cos I felt the way you did, but at first I had to take it hour by hour, and then day by day. He is in my thoughts daily, but believe me the pain becomes easier as time goes on. You have to dig inside your heart and find the strengh to give up on him because he is bringing you down.You only feel special and loved by your lover, becos your husband is violent towards you.He doesn't deserve you and your love. Find the courage, the strength and the determination and you can leave him. I promise you its not easy, but you can do it. God Bless and Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2006): BOTH of you need to break off with these married men! You are cheating, your lovers are cheating on their wives with you. Think of their children and wives!
If your husband hits you and is cruel, why don't you divorce him? This is a completely no-win situation! You are only ruining your own life, and doing no good for your children either!
Get out now - from your lover and your husband, for your sake, for the children's sake, for the other wife's sake, while you still can!
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A
female
reader, 911help  +, writes (7 December 2006):
 Sorry! Once a cheater, always a cheater. I'm living proof. I am married and currently in another relationship with a married man. This relationship has been going on for over 2 years. I am deeply in love with this man, but like all affairs, cheaters are only looking for whats lacking in my marriage. (so they say) Women seem to get emotionly involved, when the man is only in it for the sex. I some what know how you feel. If your husband hits you, you need to get out of this marriage. If not for you, for the children. You don't want your children to think this is normal behavior when they become adults. As far as this affair goes, you deserve better.
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