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male
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anonymous
writes: We dicussed our past sexual relationships because my wife needed to know because she didnt want to be the one to find out something about me from another person. She hates to think I am keeping something from her even though she hates to hear it. I hate the idea of knowing and have told her not to tell me. but I do something already and it hurts to think that way. One of the things that bothers me is she told me early when we just started talking is she had a month and a half sexual relationship with a guy right out of her divorce when she said she was taken avantage of because of her mental state. She descibed it like the movie Unfaithful where she was kind of forced to have sex than went with it. This image has stuck with me for a long time and it sucks. Now because she has found out about my past and it includes more people and different wild expirences, she is suffering with my past and sees me with other women in her mind. Its so bad she now tells me that I cant understand how bad she feels because theres nothing other that that guy I mentioned after her divorce that desturbs me. She said maybe the only way I can feel her torment with my past is for me to watch the movie again, but not with her because it makes her sick to remember. I agreed and told her I would do anything to help her even though it goes aginst everything I believe. I just cant see how this helps, I did see the movie and have all the images already but I love her and want to help. She did say she may not want to do this because she knows how much it will hurt me. but its still up in the air. my big problem is I cant believe she wanted this info on me if she couldn't handle the answers. I could'nt handle it if it was me that for sure. I have trouble with what I know and its very little. We love each other so much but I feel this could cause her to let me go because of how much it desturbs her. this has me very scared now, I am afaid to loose her even though she said this will not happen because other then this issue, I am the best man she has ever been with in every aspect.
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male
reader, juttandmeff  +, writes (25 February 2006):
And if you drag all the details of each other's past sex lives out into the open, what will you solve? You're neither of you kids, and nor are you virgins either. It's hardly a surprise that you've both got a sexual history, but that's what it is, a history. The future of your relationship does not depend on what you've done in the past, and it is difficult to see the relevance. The problem with being entirely open about past sexual adventures or mis-adventures is that, unless as a couple you're relaxed about sexuality, it can only create friction and jealousy. If she is genuinely mentally distressed by her past episode, then she should seek professional counselling: you're too close to her to be able to help her with it psychologically. If she is seeking to re-assure you that it was a one off incident or period of her life, then accept it, and move on. For yourself, you talk of past experiences, but unless you want to repeat them, why get into the gory details? Now you've added up each other's 'scores', you need to talk frankly and openly with each other. If you love her, and she loves you, then you must close the door on this and look forwards not backwards. She seems to be seeking reassurance that in your eyes she measures up to your past, and that you won't seek to return to it in the future. If you can give her that reassurance, then do so, and move onwards. If you can't, then where is your relationship going?
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