A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Im a 21 year old guy who up until a year ago thought I was straight. I have since managed to become attracted to a 30 year old guy and we have fallen in love. Everything I lived and thought before this relationship was real, and i know that. We both admit we are bi sexual. In my past i have had 10 sexual partners but no real relationships. They have all been a few time kind of thing, i can probably still remember each occasion. I knew my boyfriend had had 5 sexual partners but lastnight we filled out a stupid online questionairre about sexual experiences and there was so much stuff I didnt even know about. I found out that one of them was for a 3 year relationship, and 2 of them were 8 month relationships. And he has done all these outgoing sexual things with previous people. This has made me feel really funny inside cos of the thought of how much sex he has had with women in comparison to me. Ifeel really intimidated by his long relationships and I dont know why I am feeling like this and I cant stop thinking about the fact he has had sex hundreds of times in his life. I sometimes feel like I havent had the experience from life I need to commit to this guy. But at the same time the thought of losing him from my life makes me so sad. I couldnt imagine not having him around.How can I deal with all his previous sexual experience and stop thinking about it cos its driving me mad? Its like a whole intimate part of his life that I dont know about. I have tried talking to him but he gets upset cos he thinks i am having doubts about being with him, but im not im just trying to talk to him about it cos i want us to be open.Please help Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2007): What he has done in the past isn't so relevant as he's with you now. You would have been better not to have even found out, but now that you have you should work at forgetting about it - not dwelling on it all and pressing him for more details.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2007): Hi hunny,
Well you need to decide if your gonna let something like this ruin your relationship or not? Because it can and you don't want that!
Its understandable that you feel like he is slightly ahead on things and that you are making this big committment to him without setlling your curiosities first.
I had this problem a few years ago and we found that the best way was to talk about what experiences it was that you feel you dont have and establish a way to put your mind to rest about them.
He will probably say it's nothing to worry about because he may not understand how you feel becuase he has settled all of his curiosities. Being 30 years old he is probably in a good position mentally after his 3 relationships and life experience to know to settle down with you is right. Its only natural to feel like this. Yes most of the work is gonna come from you to accept that these things are part of his past, but he needs to be there for you too and be prepared to have these conversations to help you get there. You can't get through this by just moving on and forgetting otherwise this situation will smack you in the face further down the line when its brought up again and all you did was brush it under the carpet cos he didnt want to talk about it or didnt understand why you felt like this. He needs to remember that with your age gap there are going to be places you feel like this, you both knew the age gap could potentially bring up a situation like this, so you BOTH need to be prepared to go through some hard times to come to a solution.
Another thing that may work for some is to relieve your curiosity and if he feels comfortable talk more about his past so you arent left to think overtime about what that involves if you think it would help you?
Its a difficult place to be, but if you love each other as you say you do, you will get there. I hope you find the answer. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, chachacha +, writes (17 April 2007):
He's 9 years older than you and it would be strange if at 31 he had not had any long term relationships - it might imply he had a commitment phobia or something.
You're only 21 and it would be strange if you had had similar long term relationships - because it might imply you were overly clingy.
It's just one of the differences that comes with age. You'll have to accept that he has a lot more experience than you at all sorts of things, not just sex! In fact, the sex part of it is almost certainly the least important.
I would just enjoy the relationship and keep finding out about each other - ideally, you shouldn't have to rely on filling out a questionaire to learn about his relationship past - try talking more.
good luck
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A
female
reader, chrissy32789  +, writes (17 April 2007):
 Dear anonymous writer,
Hey hun its ok if he had more sex in his life then you have cause that does not mean anything, some people experice alot more in life then others but that should never bring two people in love down, you shouldnt worrie about a dumb thing you have done on the internet, most of the time its a bunch of sh*t you can take it one time trun around and do it all over and some how something comes out diffrent, keep in your mind only thing that matters is that you are with a man that dont want to lose you and you dont want to lose him, and only thing that should bring you down is your selfs not no one else not no quiz not nothing but your heart and if you care for this man then you will forget about the quiz and just life to the fulliest...well good luck and if you need any more advice on this you can just private messeage me on here ill be more then happy to help you
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