A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I'm 26 and I think I'm about 14 or 15 weeks pregnant(I havn't been for a scan yet). I found out a few weeks ago. It wasn't planned and was a bit of a shock. I have been in a relationship with my partner for about 12 years and we already have 2 beautiful boys who are 8 and 6. The thing is my partner doesn't want any more children and wants me to have an abortion. I am totally against it, I had an abortion before I had my 2 boys and I could never do that again. One minute he says let's have the baby (to make me happy he says) the next he doesn't want it and I've done this on porpose and trapped him (how I can trap someone who I've been with for so long, live with and have 2 children with I have no idea) I just don't know what to do, do I have the baby and make him unhappy, bring a baby into an environment where only one parent wants it? Will he change his mind in a few months? Or do I abort it and live with the guilt for the rest of my life? I don't know if I could forgive him for making me do that.I know it will be a big change going back to all the baby stuff again and having a new addition in our family. To be honest, for me there wasn't an option, I am pregnant, prepare for the arrival.Has anyone else had to deal with something like this or does anyone have any advice? Please. xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008): I was on the pill. I never missed any and as we've been together for so long and we've been each others only partner we didn't use anything else. The doctor said I could have picked up a virus but again nothing is 100% safe. I will be making sure this definitely does not happen again.
I can understand in a way why he says he may feel trapped as it wasn't a decision we talked about and he's just had it sprung on him. I have never said I would NEVER have any more kids and obviously I was on the pill, but I would never go about having another baby like that. I thought after all these years together he would have known me better than that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008): Your partner has already been a 'father' for 8 years. He knows full well, the joys and the responsibilities involved of raising children. So no, you did not trap him. Nobody trapped anyone, that is ridiculous and he's blame shifting because he's being childish and doesn't want to accept his role in the creation of this new baby.
I have never seen any negative situation made better by a baby and your partner is being offensive and negative. So we know this new baby will need two totally committed parents. Tell him, "It is now time for him to stop playing games and hurting you, and he needs to begin acting like a grownup and accept his responsibility/role for making this baby in the first place". And let him know that you want to make this the happiest moment for this family. I can only imagine how your little boys will be excited to learn they will have a new sibling, on the way. It's a very exciting , wonderful time for children. So..find the strength--the personal courage to stand your ground and set some ground rules with your partner. No question about it... this baby is going to be born. Abortion is out. Tell him you plan to make a good home for your new little one, and for it's brothers, whether he agrees to it or not.
Do it now, because it will give him time to grow used to the idea and he should over-time, calm down and accept that you both are being blessed with a beautiful addition. If he's already a parent and a father who loves his children, he will definitely be the same loving parent with this new baby. In fact, this new baby will melt his heart and he will bond. . Be strong for this baby, Mom...set some boundaries in this relationship. Good luck and congratulations.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008): Given that in today's world it's very easy to prevent a pregnancy, how did you manage to get pregnant in the first place? Was it his fault or yours? Did your birth control methods fail you? What were they?
So many unanswered questions here.
If you could never have an abortion again you have your answer. You let the pregnancy run its course with the inevitable result. Whether he stays with you is up to him, but he'll be responsible for child support whatever he decides to do.
The only advice I could possibly give you is "Don't get pregnant again".
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 March 2008):
 I believe you're right in keeping your baby, and I believe your husband is wrong and is not exactly in a good position to demand anything.
I asssume he's about your age. He knows all he needs to know about sex and reproduction, and he knows that sex in a stable relationship brings about kids. So, if he didn't want another baby, he should have used a condom (I think it's safe to assume he sort of left you in charge of contraception). That said, I understand that no contraceptive method is 100% effective; not even vasectomies. But if he's having sex, he should accept what comes with it.
And then he isn't talking about a one-night-stand baby (which, in any case, he would need to be responsible for, too), but the baby with her stable partner. I don't think he is being responsible here.
As to being trapped with a third child, sorry: he already has two children. If that's not "trap" enough, I don't know what it is.
Maybe you wanted a child and he didn't, and this is at the root of the problem. But then, like I said, if he wanted to be "sure" that there would be no babies, he should have used a condom. Or a vasectomy. And even that fails.
From another perspective, the man is done. If you want to keep the child, I don't see why you shouldn't. He has no grounds for anything here.
Sorry; there's one contraceptive method that never fails. It has been proven to result in no offspring whatsoever. That is abstinence. Has he thought about it? If he hasn't, then he has to admit the "statistical risk".
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