A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Myself and my girlfriend broke up about 3/4 months ago and i dont think im over it yet.we agreed to be friends, speak on the phone once a week and just try to get on as if nothing's happened, just minus the kissing, sex, closeness etc.none of this has happened, we haven't spoken once, we text / facebook but i'm lucky to get anything back nowadays. the talk isn't even about relationship stuff, it's general chit-chat, honestly! totally ignoring me. so we broke up just before summer began and said we'd spend the summer apart, not see each other and see where we go from there.she said a lot of things when we broke up like: "youre the one for me but not just yet" and "if we get through this, we can get through anything, right?"now understandably those last phrases are ringing in my head all the time and i'm clinging to them, cos when you've been so close with someone for 18 months they can't lie to you, especially if the relationship ended on good terms.since then really i've been a mess. i've lost all fear in anything as it's pointless being scared of anything now as it feels like i've already been totally destroyed.she hasn't totally broken my heart, but it's hanging by a thread. all my mates tell me to move on etc., but until i hear something official from her that it's fully over, i will always hear those phrases from before.i just wish someone would take a more positive approach with me, all of my friends have been so negative. so now i put on a front to my friends showing im fine, but deep down i am slowly dying inside, that's actually how it feels.i just dont know what to do with myself anymore and really need some help. i'm going round in circles and feel like i'm on a slippery slope. any advice?
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (9 September 2009):
 First of all,
"...cos when you've been so close with someone for 18 months they can't lie to you, especially if the relationship ended on good terms..."
Yes they can. Especially if lying to you would be in the name of sparing your hurt feelings (which is what I think she was likely doing).
Next,
Her lack of communication IS the official word you are waiting for.
She is hoping you will get the message and end it yourself by moving on, because she does not want to be the "bad guy", by breaking it off yourself. She wants you to be responsible for it. This is not a test of your love for her. She will not feel enamored with you for waiting for her.
There was no reason to take a break (you say you were on good terms). She wanted out. Her actions speak what she did not have the courage to say in words. You could have continued the relationship long distance for the short time you were apart, but that did not happen.
Sorry man. The most positive thing I could say is that better that it happens this way, than to get married and suffer through a divorce.
Start dating other people. For a man going through what you are going through, that is the healthiest way to go.
-Frank Kermit
http://www.franktalks.com
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (9 September 2009):
 To be honest I always believe that if a relationship needs a "break" or if you are on and off again then the relationship is not working. Say if you two got married - would she want to "take a break" from the marriage too when things get tough? That just isnt possible!
Relationships are all about communication and sticking together when times get hard, not bailing out on it and having some time to yourself. If you need a break you go for a few drinks with friends, you have a weekend away with family....you dont break up for a few months!
Even when things are not working but you still love each other - this is the time to get closer together not break up! You dont give the reason why you broke up but it sounds like it might be her idea more than yours, and seen as its just for the summer it sounds to me like she got bored of being in a relationship and wanted to enjoy the summer being young free and single, with you waiting in the background when she is done having her fun!
Do you really want to be that guy? Do you really want to be a complete doormat, waiting around for this girl to come back to you when she is bored of being single?
I understand that you love her but love is just not enough to make a relationship work sometimes - you need both people to be 100% committed to the relationship and it sounds like she isnt as committed as you are I'm afraid. While she is off having her fun and enjoying her summer as a single girl, you are waiting around to hear from her feeling completely heartbroken. That picture doesnt paint a promising future now does it?
I can see why you want positivity - you basically want someone to tell you that it will all be ok and she will come back to you soon, that things will go back to normal because you love each other and the last 18 months were so great that surely things will work out sooner or later. But If anyone tells you that then that will just give you false hope! The truth hurts sometimes and you seem to be clinging on to the hope that she will come back, so when someone tells you otherwise then you dont take it very well.
I think you have been letting this girl walk all over you for the entire summer and now it is time to stand up to her and lay things down on the line. Tell her you have been a mess all summer because deep down you were never happy with this break up. Tell her you love her and want to be with her - that this break is not working for you so you either want to be together properly, 100% committed or you want nothing more to do with her.
You clearly are not happy with the situation so it is time to be brave and be straight with her. Dont try and fluff it out into "what do you think about this" blah blah blah....it is time to stop worrying about what she thinks or wants and tell her what you want. It is not fair on you to be living like this, not knowing where you stand. So just come out with it and tell her that you either want a proper relationship or you want to break up for good if she cannot do that.
It will be hard and the outcome could go either way, but at least you will know where you stand, and if worse comes to worst then you will be able to move on. She is playing games with you, keeping you dangling on a thread. You are like a toy to her - she knows she can pick you up and play with you whenever she wants but she also knows she can drop you just like that. She has all the power right now and it is time to be a man and take some of that power back! Dont allow her to treat you like this anymore - you deserve better!
Personally if I were you I would have just walked away from her months ago - for me you either are in the relationship or you are out, there is no picking up from where you left off. But if you really love her then just get an answer from her, thats the least you deserve.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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