A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help, I am completely baffled. So yesterday, my boyfriend and i made plans to play tennis. On the way to the court, my friend was checking his stocks on his blackberry and then when we got to the court, it was being occupied. The players said they would be five more minutes. While we waited my friend continued to be engrossed in his work. As the other players walked off the court, he suggested that I warm up with them until he finished. I got on the court and played with them for 20 minutes. They were 2 young men that were really good. as I walked to the fence where my boyfriend was working to get a drink of water, I said "no offense to my partner, but this is quite a work out". we then continued to play as every time i looked up, he was still engrossed in his phone. An hour passed by and at which point, he said he was going to go back to his apartment to meet up with his kids who were coming home from school and that he would be back. i played another 10 minutes and then also went back to the apartment. As i walked back, I was disappointed that i didnt get to play with my boyfriend, and annoyed that he pawned me off to these stragers but decided I wouldnt make a big deal about it because I knew that his work took precedence (there have been tons of other occaisions where he wasnt able to part away from the stock market when I was around)and instead decided to focus on the positive which was at least i got to play. so i thanked him for being cool with my playing with other people. only to find out that my boyfriend was really pissed off at me. he was really mad at my comment that i made about that being quite a workout and he was mad that I never once stopped and came up to him and asked him if he was ready to play. I explained that it was a misunderstanding and a miscommunication on both parties as I was waiting the whole time for him to tell me he was done with his work and ready to play. he said of course he was never going to do that and it was my responsibility to have come and gotten him. as I tried to explain my position, he got even more furious with me and said I needed to stop being defensive and just own up to the fact that i was insensitive and insulting. he said it didnt matter if it was intentional or not and he didnt want to hear excuses and he was definitely not to blame in the situation. This ended up being a big blow up as he was really accusatory, saying "you really disappointed me" and wasnt satisfied until I apologized. I am hurt now because I felt like this all could have been resolved in a conversation instead of an argument and that he was insensitive to hearing my position and bullied me into an apology. I cant believe this turned out to be such a big fight. was what i did really all that insensitive? was what i said really insulting? am i missing the big picture?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): my previous view still stands - what do you get from this relationship? are you in love with him?
i would think on these and if you have some good positives, i would say ok Mr. this how it is - we both made stupid mistakes and harsh words... now do you want this relationship, yes or no? if yes then great - how do we move on?
thats what i would go for...
Star.x.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks star,
you have been incredibly insightful. I think i am dealing with jealous and controlling and major trust issues. days have past and my boyfriend is still reeling about my actions completely unwilling to forgive me. He says that the comment I made was the most selfish thing to say and proves I would make him feel small to total strangers. He says by ignoring him why I played, it proved I again only cared about myself since he suggested a warm up and I took advantage of this situation and played a whole hour. and says that he can never trust what I am doing during our time apart because it was my responsibility to tell him that I had made plans to play again in the future and didnt immediately tell him. I told him that I didnt think about it and he says that I am a liar. and i told him while my actions seemed mean, it was not intentional and i would try to do thing about his feelings as well. he again says these are all excuses and it is obvious that i am not truly sorry about my actions and i am just sorry because I dont want him to be mad at me. he says now that he knows that i am capable of being a liar, as far as he is concerned I played him along and he doesnt know what is the truth.
we have been together for a year and never has there been such a disasterous episode. I am not even sure that I want to be in this relationship anymore because of how much he doesnt trust me. our children are best friends and they adore him as well and i would at least like to salvage a friendship.
nothing i say though is good enough of answer for him. I know that his past girlfriend cheated on him and took advantage of him but I am not that person.
I am supposed to babysit his children tomorrow and he says that he cant trust me with them for even 3 hours so he will have to cancel his business trip. here I am doing the favor and I am not worthy.
am i glutton for punishment or what?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): think its stupid.
naturally enough the guys said how about another game sometime - all friendly stuff you would expect from nice people.
your boyfriend is jealous and in my mind looks like a control freak.
i think you deserve better - i would not like anyone speak to me like that- my view is either talk to him and say you are wrong. or Dump him - Go and find someone is a little more secure with you and lets you enjoy life, someone who is into you - as a person and not size of his stocks...
Star.x.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all for your help. unfortunately the situation went from repaired to disaster. at first he apologized saying he realized my feelings were hurt and it was a misunderstanding. during the argument I said that i didnt ask to play with them and that he pawned me off to play with them so he could do is work. I said I was uncomfortable and nervous and said i hated it and would have rather played with him. however on the day of the incident, by the end of the game the guys asked if I would want to play again and i thought about it and said sure thinking it would be good for me to gte the experience of playing them since they were good players. after the whole argument blew over, I told my boyfriend that they asked to play but said I would only do it if he was okay with it because i knew it was a sensitive subject and didnt mean that much to me. He became furious with me saying that I manipulated the argument and said I hated playing with them and he felt guilty for putting me in a situation I didnt want to be in but I obviously had a good time or else I wouldnt have wanted to play again. so I am liar. I said I did in my anger exaggerate the situation but didnt lie because I did feel at the time that he had pawned me off but tried to find the positive in it. he is so mad at me for not admitting that I was a liar that he now wont talk to me and said that as far as he was concerned everything i had to say to support my argument was a lie and so it was pointless to hear. Having had only one other significant adult relationship, I have to say i dont know what is right and I am in over my head. when people are in the heat of an argument or driving a point, do they exaggerate the situation? if I lied, I would own it, but i dont see it that way. no, i didnt mention to him that I said I would play again, but I also thanked him for letting me play with other people so wasnt it obvious that I wasnt miserable? what should i do now?
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male
reader, unclezak  +, writes (14 May 2009):
You say there have been other times where he has been engrossed with his work and you've left him to it. Perhaps he is doing this subconsciously and not realising he's working whereas he should be with you. Hpwever, this time he jsut kept ding what he normally does but was aware of it, whereas you just left him to do what he usually does.
Also, if the other blokes are better, he should just accept it. Or played one of them!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): Oh my gosh, he sounds like my boyfriend! And in the beginning we had similar misunderstandings because I am pretty independent and self sufficient and he likes to be cared for and receive lots of attention. I love him though and I realized that giving the attention he wants makes him feel loved even though I may not always understand it! Not to say that I put him before myself but I tell him, "hey hon, do you mind...." and give him a kiss on the cheek or "hey babe, I miss you and I can't wait to see you soon, but..." and it reassures him. I don't think you were wrong but relationships require compromise! I know, its not easy going out with someone so sensitive but always worth it!
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male
reader, Mr.Insignificant +, writes (13 May 2009):
 The only thing that is bigger than this guys ego, is his ability to be an ass!
This boy is a big, selfish baby and needs to be sent packing. Really now, what does he bring to the relationship? I am sorry to say but when it comes to you, you are 4th class and not a priority. His ego, work, his children (rightfully so), everything else is priority ahead of you.
If he were serious about you and respected you, he would put you on the same level as his children as people that are important to him in his life.
This guy is the poster boy fort selfishness. He makes a habit of putting himself in positions to take from others.
Grrrr!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): I done that before. Your sitting there, stewing in your own fury and wanting for the other person to make the first move though you know deep down, that if you put aside being stubborn and said somethng, it all be sorted out. I say just leave it alone and he cool down and realize how stupid the whole thing is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): I think that you are right it could have been solved with communication.
he thought you were going to ask - you thought he was going to ask - outcome lot of thinking no asking...
Think neither was right.
Think he could have just said Can i join in.
Think you didn't need to apologise unless he did. I don't think you needed to come and get him - he was the one who stopped playing.
think is upset he didn't get to play and next time, maybe he needs to forget work for a short while if he is going to play.
But talk - that is the real answer here.
Star.x.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): If he cannot even put down his blackberry and stride over and say "im ready" then he has the problem, why does he expect you to go and fetch him?
No you are not insensitive, he needs to grow up!
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