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male
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anonymous
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year now, she is 20 and I am 23. The first 6months were amazing, she came across as a very shy, nice, butter wouldnt melt kind of girl. More recently though she is like a different person, she is usually miserable, moans about everything, and has recently become extremely bossy, So much so that on a short holiday we just had with her parents everything had to be done her way. I love her to bits but if she had been like this from day 1 we wouldnt of got together, Even her own mother was telling her she shouldnt speak or treat someone she loves the way she does to me on holiday. It feels like the only conversation we do have is either a disagreement or when someone else brings us both into a conversation, if I say anything I always get a 'yeh but' or 'no maybe...' and its driving me insane. Is it possible she was always hiding this nasty side to herself to please me and now she is coming out of her shell or is it just a phase?Thanks
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reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 I don't know if she has changed or is just allowing herself to speak freely and now can let out her less-than-perfect side, but I want to offer an observation based on someone I know.
This person is a well-educated and well-meaning person who suffers from anxiety, and she shows some of the traits you mention here. She whines about everything, finds something to worry about in just about everything that happens to her or her family and friends, and frankly it can be exhausting. I have grown a bit close to her over time, I do try to talk to her because there are many in the family who simply ignore her, and I have come to learn that she had a horrendous family life. He mother was a horrible controlling judgemental woman (I speak from personal knowledge of that) and her father put off medical care until he was gravely ill. Based on this background, she learned from her mother that she was worthless and wrong on everything and learned from her father that it is better to be a living hypochondriac than a dead ostrich. She didn't stand a chance.
Now, in her defense, she has sought out therapy and has tried some medications, but when things get stressful, she reverts to her old awful patterns of thought and behavior. She is fortunately aware that she is doing this and is trying her best to cope with life in a healthier way.
My point is that your girlfriend may have some issues in this vein, and when stressed, her coping skills fly out the window and she becomes a pain in the neck. Travel is stressful, travel with one's family can be even more stressful, and it's possible she just couldn't cope.
The woman I speak of is a part of my family and we cannot avoid or ignore her, and I have been irritated and put off by her on many occasions, but I have come to understand her a bit better.
What can you do? I guess I would challenge you to talk to her about how her attitude and comments affect you. Be honest about your feelings, as she is letting things all 'hang out' so to speak. If she does suffer from anxiety or possibly depression, she is not going to welcome being examined in this way, so try to do it from a stance of loving support, if you can possibly manage.
All that being said, I'd also say that you are young, you are not married to her and you have an opportunity to move on from her and not bring her into your family. It would probably have saved a lot of grief for my family member not to have married the woman I mention but there would also not have been the family we know and love either. I guess you have to decide if she can be made aware of her effect on people and whether this is a short-term but unpleasant reaction to stress.
Good luck in whatever you decide, let us know what happens if you can.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (10 March 2011):
I tend to find that someone's true character comes out within 18 months or so. Your girlfriend's came out in 6.
Sometimes, that character is truly wonderful, and that person is someone you want to be with. Occasionally, as you've found, the truth isn't so great.
When someone's own mother is saying that they wouldn't accept that treatment, you know the time has come to run. And that's my advice to you. Run. I had a girlfriend who's true colours came out after about a year, and I ended it. Now I'm with someone much better.
You don't need an immature 20 year old in your ear at this time. You don't need to be bossed around. You don't need to accept crap treatment. Move on from this one.
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