A
female
age
30-35,
*oarid
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months and have been friends for years before that. One thing I know about him is that when he gets upset he doesn't want to talk right away so when I know he's upset I'll just leave him alone until he's ready to talk. At that point our talks are more constructive so I don't mind giving him space when he needs it. Today, however, has been awful. He's waiting to be deployed tomorrow and had told me that he wouldn't have a chance to call tonight. Because of that I went about my business and didn't worry about missing a call. That is until I got out of the shower and noticed a missed call from him. I immediately called him back but he didn't answer. So I sent him a message on Facebook telling him I'd just gotten out of the shower and if he had called. No answer. But the thing is that he was online on Facebook. For an hour after this happened he was online. I sent him another message asking at what time he's leaving tomorrow. I can see him being frustrated as today he was working to get all his stuff together for tomorrow. Again, he gets upset easily but we've learned how to work through it. It's just that today is different. I don't want him leaving tomorrow without getting a chance to talk and specially if he's upset. I don't know when I'll get another chance to talk to him. I just feel that because of the military I'm always having to rearrange my schedule around him. That's fine with me! I knew who he was before we started dating and understood that he won't always be available when I need him. But today I just missed one phone call. I always try to be as available as I can and helpful. Now I did send one last message that went like this: "I hope you read this message bc I feel that I need to communicate how I feel. I'm sorry that I missed your call and I'm sorry if that made you upset. Right now it feels like you're mad and you're ignoring me. Maybe that's not what you're doing at all. In fact, I know you're not childish like that and wouldn't stoop so low, but I just feel like you're upset. If we're going to have a good relationship and communication I have to let you know how your actions make me feel and give you a chance to explain without either of us getting angry or upset. Please don't be angry at my message, I'm not trying to be pushy it's just that I'm simply worried because you leave tomorrow and it's not like we can just talk this out later bc we don't know when that later might be. I don't want to start a day on separate continents without knowing that we're both ok!!" Does it sound passive aggressive? Does it sound like I made my point or just stoked the fire more?! Should I have not sent it? Usually I would have let this issue go but as I've said, he leaves in the morning and I don't want to be left without even a goodbye call when he leaves. Any advice would be helpful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2017): I've served in the military. A call to duty may create a certain amount of tension and apprehension, depending on what your orders are and where you;re going. That is why it is even more important that those you leave behind are feeling good about how you departed.
You don't leave unfinished business, you don't pick fights; and the last thing you ever want to do is leave on a sour note.
A soldier gets orders well in-advance. So you have to tie-up your loose ends with your partner, family, business, and personal-affairs. Yes, a lot may run through your head; but the silent-treatment is a weapon. It is a strategy meant to shut-down and block your opponent; and not allow them to communicate or explain what they are upset about. That leaves them stewing. That isn't fair or a kind thing to do.
You have to have a clear conscience when you leave!
If he is leaving to some dangerous region of the world; do make sure he always has your support. That doesn't force you to remain submissive to his bad-behavior or allow him to walk all over you. You deserve respect and sensitivity to your feelings under all circumstances. That's how you keep things on a good note and keep harmony in the relationship. Giving you more time and reason to be good to each other.
If I fall asleep, the first thing I do when I wake-up is check my messages. I'm always on alert for a probable emergency, or just to let my boo know I've got his back or he always has easy access. He does the same. One of the things he asked of me when we first started dating.
Some things you may need to learn over time and gain experience; but some things are just common-courtesy.
Common-courtesy is extending respect. I'm not talking about jumping to every silly frivolous message; I mean reasonable acknowledgment when you know someone is trying reach you to resolve a disagreement. Trying to make peace. If you're just trying to prolong the argument, you force people to ignore you.
At least be polite enough to say, "I will get back to you;" or "I'm still cooling off." Then promptly call-back and give them their say. Even if you don't want to hear it, you can't work it out until you address the problem.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 April 2017):
 Interesting... Maybe he did fall asleep. Or maybe he did not. Anyway , the point is not if he slept or not.
The point is that, when you could not reach him at once, you did not calmly say to yourself " Oh he must have fallen asleep then, or got busy with something. He'll call back as soon as possible ". You did not feel confident and relaxed enough to trust that he was going to adopt the normal communication pattern of a caring bf ( ..and of a polite person ).
He, on his side, on waking up, does not say " (Facepalm ) Crap ! , I fell asleep. Let me try again calling X at once ". He goes on FB, goes about his business, lets you matinate in your juices for quite a while , AFTER he has seen your message and seen that you are anxious and upset.
Uh-oh.
Anyway, I commend your action plan, it sounds like a sensible step to take, for now. We cannot know if your problem are definitely unfixable, and your relationship beyond repair. Maybe it is repairable, as long as you give yourself more value, and establish and enforce healthy boundaries, and realize that a relationship is about making TWO people feel respected and cared for, not just one. Hipefully putting some distance between you , psychological and physical as well, will help you both working on that.
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female
reader, Soarid +, writes (15 April 2017):
Soarid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone who responded to my question. Responses were harsh to read but that's simply because they held truth to them. As I read them, I felt empowered to take control of my situation. Thank you. I did speak with my boyfriend today before he left. He offered an explanation as to why he didn't answer (basically the story was that he called, I didn't answer, he fell asleep). I don't know whether I believe that but it does t matter to me at the moment. I have decided to cool things off for a while as he is gone. Yes, the lack of contact will help. I will seek the advice and counsel of people who may be able to help me gain confidence in myself. I haven't broken things off completely with him yet as I can't be cold enough to take my support away from someone who is about to embark on such a strenuous journey. Even so, I plan to look at things objectively in the coming weeks. My goal is to be able to decide whether this relationship is worth fixing and stand my ground when it comes to respect or if it is just something that will not work out and I need to walk away. I know this is a tiny step, but it is the one I am able to take right now. Thank you all for your answers and advice, it's hard to hear the truth but sometimes it's needed.
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reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (15 April 2017):
Your boyfriend is a controlling bully. The longer you stay with him the worse his behavior will get until you spend your life walking on eggshells. You won't believe me because you LOVE him and he loves you. But in time you'll see I'm right of course it may be too late but you can't say you weren't warned.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 April 2017):
 Honestly? Soldiers being antsy RIGHT before a deployment is common. For them to have reactions that seem WAY over the top is also a bit "normal" after all, everyone is on high alert, rumors about cheating partners, barracks stories etc. Doesn't mean he has a right to give you the "silent treatment". Just like you were stressed over missing his call, HE might have stressed over you not picking up.
I don't think you should have sent that message. I agree with Auntie Cindy that is was OVERTLY passive aggressive. Should just have stuck with a: " I missed your call as I was in the shower, call me again when you can!"
However, it is what it is. Maybe he will BE smart and give you a call. And maybe he will be smart and understand that you are STRESSED too.
If he doesn't call before leaving he might not get a chance for a little while.
What you did wasn't a HUGE faux pas but it might just have created more tension than the both of you need/want. So try and relax and LET him sweat it a little.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2017): Oh my God! What a manipulative little ^^it you have there! And he has you running in demented circles trying to get him to talk to you. He isn't upset. He's loving every single sodding minute of treating you like crap and seeing you respond with wet wipes and a mummy hug. I'm not being horrible to you. I'm angry at him for doing this to you. Because nice people are easy to manipulate. Think about it for a minute. Turn ALL this crap around. Would you EVER treat him like this? And if you did, what would you think of him if he responded like you respond? Walking on eggshells and pussyfooting around you so as not to upset you again? You Wish said it brilliantly. Read her response again and again and please try to re centre yourself and see how this horrible man is treating you. What he's doing is actually emotional abuse. He KNOWS you can see that he's not busy and is ignoring you. And he LOVES the fact that you don't dare even call him out on something you can see he's doing? I would strongly advise you to read about abuse. This will help you understand what he's doing and to be able to centre yourself again. Abuse knocks us off centre. That's what's happened to you. You can't see that what he's doing is wrong. Or you're too scared to lose him to call him on it. How about another email? One that reads....'You are not busy, you are ignoring me. You are acting like a three year old and trying to manipulate me. It's not going to work anymore. I've had enough of your nasty ways.'You wouldn't be on this site if you weren't very worried and you're actually worried about whether sending him an email was ok or not. I hope you gain some insight from your replies and even more insight from reading about abuse. Detach yourself from this excuse of a man and regain the power in your life. Good luck and lots of hugs from people who care more about you than your boyfriend does xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2017): There are times in our relationships when our mates will manipulate us through our emotions. They send out certain signals or give certain cues that we learn to go by that bypass direct communication. You might call them vibes.
You're trying way too hard to avoid his disapproval. He uses his silence as a means of punishment, conditioning, and psychological-manipulation. By the same token, you feed him far too much information about how effective his anger and childish tantrums are.
Sometimes discussions need to be made in the heat of the moment. Not when Mr. So-N-So feels like granting you the privilege of his majesty's attention. Your passive-aggressive humbling and groveling spiced with subtle insults only makes a bubbling brew of contempt on both sides of the argument. You are frustrated and even more pissed, because you have to wait for him to "allow" you an appointment to address an issue.
There seems to a lot of tension for such a new relationship, by the way! I think you're injecting far too much emotion. Trying to turn a mismatch into a working-relationship.
He has learned that sulking and the silent-treatment makes you squirm. You try to plead for his approval, but you slide veiled insults into your messages. The tone is bittersweet.
It is obvious that you do your best to slip some zingers in there; but all they really do is let him know that you're pissed as hell; and the minute you get a hold of him all hell is going to break loose.
Neither of you know how to effectively communicate or workout problems without trying to manipulate and hurt each other first.
When he sulks, you are correct to just leave him alone. How frequent do you have these tense moments of silence and waiting? How many disagreements can a six-month old relationship have? Frequent impasses are an indication of incompatibility and distrust. Insecurity vs insensitivity.
Anyone you find yourself tip-toeing around on eggshells this early on in a relationship is waving a big red-flag. Pouting because you missed a phone-call and torturing you with silence almost smells like a narcissist. It stinks!
I think you should let him go on his deployment, wish him well; and start detaching your feelings. He's going to be too much to deal with, and you'll never really communicate unless he feels like listening to you. Which will usually be never. He'll let you vent your frustrations and totally dismiss them anyway. He'll force you to internalize most of your concerns before he will allow you to tell him what's on your mind. You'll give him the cleaned-up condensed sugar-coated version of a "plead deal." He'll mull it over, and grant you a suspended-sentence and probation. Your concerns otherwise have been overruled.
You must demand respect. If you don't get it, you end the relationship. Not wait until you're brow-beaten into a submissive little puppy begging for a biscuit. Nor should you be clingy and needy and always needing a pat on the head.
If love, respect, and attention aren't willingly/generously given; you don't beg, you leave! Six-months is merely a probationary-period in a romance. This is the stage you decide whether it's worth staying or leaving. Weigh the pros and cons.
If you're not giving him up because you need a relationship so badly; you've already shown him how desperate you are to keep him. That gives him a tremendous amount of power over your feelings. He may care a lot about you, but he could still be the wrong guy. That's where we tend to hold on in spite of the fact it isn't working.
If things were good, you wouldn't be so frustrated that you had to seek advice about it. He shuts you down and out when you disagree.
That's not a relationship. It's an arrangement setup to give him control; and leaves you begging for his validation and approval.
He chose to close the door on communication. You knew he was available on Facebook; but he didn't accept your inbox. That tells you that this guy has a temper, he is inflexible, and he is a mean manipulator.
Wish him well and let him go. He will be out of sight and out of reach for awhile; so the involuntary no-contact will give you time to detach and detox. The withdrawal with be excruciating, but you'll survive.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (14 April 2017):
 PS - I'm not trying to be harsh on you! I'm angry at your d-bag of a boyfriend. I'm guessing this has been a pattern he's put on you, and people who behave like that who intentionally hurt and stress their partners pisses me off nearly as bad as cheaters do. You are in real pain, and he is reveling in causing it because your pain and misery and anxiety is HIS pleasure. HE GETS OFF on you being hurt by him because in his mind, you groveling and worrying and hurting while he emotionally abuses you with the silent treatment. He WANTS to hurt you! HE WANTS you to walk on eggshells and be so afraid of his reactions that you'll bring the phone into the shower and be at his beck and call wringing your hands in front of the computer.
You need to start getting pissed off too and calling him out on this ill-treatment and emotional abuse. Don't worry about his goodbye call. He deserves a good bye boot in his ass with whatever size boot you wear!
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reader, YouWish +, writes (14 April 2017):
I think you should have chucked the entire idea of an email. I would never be with a guy who forces people to walk on eggshells until he feels like talking. And your email didn't make your point at all, because you didn't say what you REALLY wanted to say in it. It was nothing but probing to get HIM to talk and nothing about how you really feel.
You're worried that after 6 months, your relationship isn't going to last, and that the last couple of interactions with him involved a lot of eggshells and silent treatment, making you feel insecure as to the status and future of your relationship.
Let's speak truth here: You *DO* think his behavior is childish. You do think he would stoop to making you emotionally chase him all over the place until his little feathers are smoothed over. Because he IS childish! He needs to grow up! If you were married to the guy or living with him, there is no place for grown partners to go run off for days on end. That's what 3-year olds who refuse to potty train do. They throw tantrums until Mommy changes their diaper for them. STOP changing his emotional diapers!!!
If it were me, this guy would have gotten a boot to the curb the FIRST time he pulled a silent treatment, and this sort of behavior is designed to assuage and stroke his ego, it's designed to stress you out, and it's designed to CONTROL you. You - losing sleep because you were in the shower when he called?? What a crock of horse shit! He's on Facebook, yet he says he won't have time to call you, and he's being deployed to leave the continent???
My email would have been "I hope you have a good deployment, because we're done. Grow up. I can do better". And then I'd sleep like a baby rather than the barely sleeping and anxiety you've no doubt been going through.
KICK. HIM. TO. THE. CURB. No guy who really cares for his girlfriend would ever treat her that way. Sensitive feelings??? You're not his therapist, and you "knowing him so well" doesn't excuse him from treating the girl he is with like an adult.
And - 6 months??? End the relationship, and count yourself lucky you didn't waste a year on him! The best years of your life are going to a LOSER who has the emotional aptitude of a 3-year old. Send him back to Mommy, and do it fast. Use this time he's deployed to emotionally detach from this idiot once and for all, and resolve that you will NEVER EVER stoop so low as to write another piece-of-shit email like that again. He got you to degrade and debase yourself, and it's time to end that crap.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 April 2017):
..If he gets upset so easily, I doubt he is cut out for the military . Then again, who knows, maybe the army is in fact just the right place to disabuse him of the notion that the world revolves around him and his tender sensitivities.
If the not the world.. his gf does. It seems that you are used to quite a bit of tiptoeing around his moods and that you have to be super careful about what sets him off.
Not that I am against his technique of cooling down before debating an issue. It's the equivalent of counting to ten before saying something hurtful that one may regret later
But, in this instance, seriously ?!..
HE said that he could not call at night because he was busy. Fine. ( In fact, not fine; one would think that everybody can find 5 minutes to call his girlfriend before a separation, even if there's packing to do. ) Anyway , that's what he said, then he changes his mind, and he gets mad because you did not devine his change of mind, and dared to- gasp ! - take a shower, as opposed to sitting tight by the phone just in case ?
People , even people in love, - live, and can't always be available 24 / 7. People take showers, people take dumps... you know, normal life. All he had to do was to call you again 10 minutes later, or to text you ; " call me back asap " or; " tried to call you, too bad I could not teach you , now I'll be busy but , muah muah .love you " or words to this effect, if he did not have time for a phone conversation .(... But, as you notice, if he had time for Facebook maybe he was not that busy .. )
He did not have to turn it into some fill blown diplomatic accident, and if he did - I am afraid it means you have enabled him to act this way - he is expecting you to dance attendance around him, and , regardless of this silly tiff which I am sure you both will get over in no time, ...honestly, it does not bide well for the future. That's not how adult people communicate. Even less if they are supposed to love each other.
Anyway , to answer technically to your specific question, " did I stoke the fire ?... " well, maybe a little bit.
First, by now you know well his M.O., - he gets mad, does not want to talk for a while, calms dowen, comes back on his own. I know this is a special occasion, OTH this is who he is and this is what he does. No surprise, then, and perhaps it would have worked best if you had followed the true and tried M. O. that always worked before.
Second, your message is a tad " heavy " and passive aggressive. Basically you are telling him " I don't believe that you could ever be so childish and petty to do X !- but, as a matter of fact, actually I do believe you could, that's why I am wondering ". Not that you are wrong about the concept, but maybe not the best thing to tell him when he is in a foul mood .
But - I am really nitpicking here, it's a matter of few words more, few words less, it's not ( at least it should not be ) one message more or one less which should be able to make or break your relationship .
So, while I feel that he will come out of his sulk and talk to you before leaving or anyway as soon as he can, - for the future , if you want to stay with him, you should really work at setting new boundaries and have them respected. Your communication patterns need to change, and there must be more equality in the relationship. It's not that just because he is grumpier and touchier than average, just for that he should get more consideration and kid gloves. You have a sensitivy too, I suppose- how come he is not half bothered about hurting yours as you are about hurting his ??
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