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female
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anonymous
writes: I want to know if I was indeed sexually assaulted by my ex-boyfriend. I was sleeping at his house (we had done this several times but I had never had sex with him), and I woke up to him starting to finger me. He also gave me oral sex. I was surprised because he wasn't talking, and then when I was pretty sure he thought he was going to have sex with me, I said "No." He then asked "Don't you want it?" I didn't say anything because I was shocked and scared. He had sex with me, and confusing as it is, my body actually enjoyed it. But then afterwards I cried my eyes out and told him I said no, and that I trusted him. He said he loved me and that he was in his sleep and he had been known to do that. He said that if I thought he raped me I should just break up with him now and leave him alone. He also said that I should have known this would happen eventually because I was staying the night. I was so confused and wanted to believe his story, so stayed with him for a couple more months and continued to have sex with him even though from the start of our relationship I told him I was waiting until marriage. I couldn't get our "first time" out of my mind, so when I finally broke up with him over other issues including that, I made a report to the police. He told them that it was consenual and I feel like I am going crazy! What exactly happened to me?
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female
reader, lea22dc +, writes (16 April 2006):
Ok, I did misunderstand the fact that he was your boyfriend at the time, but what I didn't misunderstand is that you then had consenual sex with him and you stayed with him. I agree with him, if you thought he raped you or was unsure, you should have left him, or at least to a break to sort out your feelings on the matter. Then it wouldn't look like your just bitter. And to those who don't like my comments, this is the INTERNET. You're coming on here seeking advice of complete strangers, for free. You might get good advice, but most people are just normal people giving their OPINION, so you have to take the good with the bad.
A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (16 April 2006):
 Hiya,
Just to clarify I did mean the fact that you stayed with him afterwards and had sex *on subsequent occasions*, sorry if that was unclear. As has been said, it doesnt chnage what happened on this first time but it would be used to muddy the waters by an attoney. You certainly dont owe him any apologies, the key thing you have to remember is that is not your fault. You did nothing to deserve this. Take care, sorry if that was unclear.
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A
male
reader, hp7540 +, writes (16 April 2006):
I'm very sure when Dazzerg said that you "continued to have consensual sex with him afterwards," he was talking about the fact you "stayed with him for a couple more months and continued to have sex with him even though ..." The fact that you stayed with him, and had sex again, later... doesn't change whether you were raped, but it could be used to confuse things in a court. And that might be unpleasant to go through for you. Certainly, his attorney would try hard to make it unpleasant for you.
I really am not sure what lea22dc is talking about. It seems she just did not understand what you were saying. You seemed very clear to me, and apparently everyone else, too. I'm not sure what baggage she is carrying around, but you sure do NOT own him any apologies. I'm glad you're getting counseling, and I wish good things for you in the future. I'm sorry he was so selfish and disrespectful of you and your wishes. And, I understand how, once he had done this, maybe you felt like "might as well, it's already done." And I can see how your strong feelings might be confused.
If you choose to, you can still keep yourself, again, until marriage. There are many good reasons to wait. But I don't feel that anyone is a "bad person" if s/he doesn't wait. Either way, I wish you much happiness, and I hope you find someone much more caring and respectful of you in the future. I hope he gets a pox and loses his wanker. :)
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A
female
reader, lea22dc +, writes (16 April 2006):
Ok, he was your ex right, then why were you repeatedly spending the night. You said no at first, but when he continued did you make an effort to stop him, did you struggle. Or did you just lay there and let it happen. He wasnt your boyfriend anymore, but yet you kept staying over and after it happened you kept sleeping with him. So now that the relationship has come to an end, you want to report it. Please!!! You owe him an apology. Alot of times women get over emotional over a break-up and make drastic decisions, thinking, he'll regret it now. I'm going to make him pay! But he could get time for this. If you didn't see it fit to report it then, why now is it so hurtful and wrong?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, and I never pressed charges b/c I knew it would look bad since I stayed with him and didn't report it for awhile. And yes, I am in counseling. This happened back in October, and I broke up with him in Jan., but I am still having a hard time coping. What exactly did you mean by I continued to have consensual sex with him afterwards? Do you mean after the night he raped me or when he raped me?
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (15 April 2006):
Because you said 'no' then the sex was clearly not consensual so yes you were in the correct and also legal definition of the offence, raped. However as others have said you are going to have an awful lot of difficulty convicting as it appears you did not struggle after saying so. I am taking this from you saying "your body enjoyed it".
Also you continued to have consensual sex with him afterwards and had consensual oral sex (i assume it was since you didnt object at this stage) prior to this incident.
Whether you would get a conviction or not would be very doubtful to be honest. I suspect, like Smeedle, that the police will not take it further which may be actually better for you. A legal battle would be very damaging emotionally to you, his counsel would use everything they could against you, and as has already been said there is absoloutely no gurantee he would be convicted.
However you did the right thing in getting rid of this guy, what he did was seflish and despicable because he did violate your trust and well...guys like him gave the male gender a bad name. Have you considered counselling? Also, have you talked to those close to you about this? They wont judge you, they will be there for you. Take care.
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A
female
reader, smeedle +, writes (15 April 2006):
 Sounds like assault, and as for the crap he told you about doing it in his sleep well what a load of rubbish.
You have done the right thing in finishing with him and telling the police but im sure no charges will be bought as it is very merkey and is your word against his, you continued to have sex with him which was consentual even if you did not enjoy it and you had slept with him etc.
you did the right thing despite all this as it will make him think twice about assaulting another girl.
Stay away from him and try and put this nasty episode behind you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2006): This is a perilously murky situation. In the purest sense of the word, what you've described is indeed an act of rape: you told him no, and he continued anyway - even if your body enjoyed it and you gave no utterances afterwards, he still went ahead without your consent. Saying that "you should have known it would happen" is utter bullshit, and not an excuse.
The problem is whether you can succeed in pressing charges. In this case it comes down to a case of one story against another with no corroboration on either side, which will likely end in an impasse. Also recognize that your case is weakened by having taken so long to report and also having stayed with this guy afterwards. I know this is all sounds callous and unsympathetic, but if you decide to pursue it, recognize that this is the same, shitty approach taken by a court in such a matter.
If you think it may have been miscommunication on the part of both parties (as it appears to me), talking frankly and honestly with him about it may spare his future girlfriends this agony. As for yourself, in future, if you are ever feeling uncertain about sex, keep saying NO until your partner backs off.
In any case, don't hesitate to seek the support of your friends and family during this time. That's what you need most right now. No one will judge you.
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