A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I moved in with one of my good friends a few months ago, around September/October. This is the first time either one of us has had a room mate. For New Years, we had other friends over and cooked dinner together. I brought 2 bottles of champagne and our other friends brought other drinks also. One of the bottles of champagne I bought was left over. I intended on saving this for a different occasion whether it be one we both celebrate or an occasion of my own. When it comes to food and such, we always ask each other permission if we can use it first. It's just something that happened on it's own and since she is lenient with the rent I don't want to just use up any of her things. I even advised her that as I continue using condiments like salt/pepper and such I'd replace them once they're gone. I went out of town for a few days and when I came home I saw that the bottle of champagne was pretty much gone. I politely asked her what the occasion was for her to drink it, and she mentioned she took it over to this guy's house she is dating and made him dinner. My facial reaction was not very pleasant but I didn't say anything but "oh". I didn't know how to react being that I am living in her house and we have never argued before. But it irritates me that she did not ask me before just taking it. That morning before I noticed it she even went out of her way to text me she accidentally took some of my food she thought was hers, which I told her it was ok. So I don't understand why with this champagne she didn't bother to ask or even tell me. Is my reaction justified? Shouldn't she have at least asked me before just taking it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2013): I agree that I would see this as a leftover from a party which you both contributed to evenly. I think she should have discussed her intention to use it as it was not hers to just take, but I don't believe it was officially yours any more either. It was bought it for communal use and donated it to the pool of party supplies, and unless all of the left over items were returned to their original owners after the party then I don't think you have any claim over it any more. At the most I'd suggest you ask her to buy another bottle that you can both share, but personally I would let this go, particularly since everything else has been going well.
A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (2 February 2013):
 I would tell her you were saving that bottle for a special occasion (make it up) so she knows you are hurt over it being gone. If she is a true friend she will offer to replace it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 February 2013):
 There's a snag here -- you both bought and invested into a party. I take it she bought food that was consumed as well as you bought champagne that was and wasn't consumed?
Wouldn't that be considered a leftover pooled resource from a mutually spent party? She didn't get to call back the money she spent on food or whatever that was left over, and those two bottles of champagne were your part of a joint party, meaning she didn't take what was yours. She used a leftover item from a jointly done party.
I think given that she's been polite over the food with you in the past, and especially since she's been lenient over the rent, it would seem ungrateful to me to quibble over a bottle of champagne that's easily replaced. If I had come home after being gone and found that out, I'd probably wish her well on her date and gone and replaced the bottle with one that wasn't a leftover from a party that both of you paid for. It could have been her buying the champagne and you paying for the food.
You didn't fight over the situation though, which is good! You did the right thing by asking for advice before going off! She's usually good with your food, and if you buy champagne or whatever that isn't part of a mutual party and then she snagged it without letting you know or replacing it, then that would be an issue. But in this case, it doesn't fall under "this is mine", which was why she texted you over food that *was* yours.
Hope that helps! Good job in not blowing up and thinking this through...that shows maturity.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 February 2013):
 I think she moved you in because she needs the extra income and not because she is a good friend. Maybe she thinks because she is lenient with the rent she feels justified taking your food. You underreacted partly because you are afraid of confrontation. Boundaries and friendship can be blurred. You need to assert your rights and possessions. I don't know what being lenient with rent means, maybe she is taking advantage of the fact that you are dependent on her for a place to live. She feels a power over you. I do think that if you pay rent on time and don't owe her anything at all, then she will have less excuse to take your things. She didn't accidentally take your food. She took it and then excused herself. Over the course of a few months she is already taking your things. You may have to reconsider living there. It's the little things that accumulate and if you bottle your feelings up then you get an even bigger reaction later. It's best to deal with it now, tell her it's unacceptable to take your things. State the amount of the champagne and ask her to replace it. Don't wait for another occasion for it to be useful. If she refuses then she is not a friend, and living with her will cause you more irritation.
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