A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in need of some advice. I've gained a few pounds during the pandemic. I used to be in great shape before I was forced to stop working out. It has been 1.5 years of inactivity. Even so, I still think my body looks good. I have gained weight in my boobs and have a sexy hourglass. I consider big boobs, a smaller waist and curvy hips sexy on a woman. I'd rather look this way than be thin, have too much muscle or no shape at all. I used to be more muscular having been an avid fitness enthusiast for years. My partner used to be a fitness instructor but he is now retired. And 15 years older than me. And he has a big stomach. He is not fat anywhere else. He just stores fat around his stomach and it has always been that way. Up until a few years ago and before Covid hit, he used to tell me I looked 20 (I'm 50 and much younger looking than my age). He loved the sexy (youthful) outfits I used to wear. Often I bought new clothes just for him (only for his eyes and behind closed doors). He loved me in the outfits. He was very complimentary of my body. And clearly very sexually attracted to me. He once said I could wear a potatoe sack and still look sexy and beautiful. Fast forward to last week. I was going through my closet and I guess I needed a pick me up. I tried on an outfit I bought when I was more toned. It is a pretty blue dress. I thought I still looked good in it despite a little bit of weight gain. I modelled it for him, feeling happy with my body even though it isn't the way it used to be. It's a few extra pounds and it's manageable. Once I hit the gym again, I only have to tone up and lose 10 pounds. He did not seem to agree. He was extremely critical. He told me my boobs were too big and that it looked like I was trying to hide a big tummy (my tummy is not muscular like it was but it still is FLAT). He said I was trying too hard. Hr also said the dress was too short and it showed some cellulite on my legs. I have worked out hard my whole life but sadly I will never be able to get rid of cellulite with exercise. I wish I could but there's nothing I can do. He told me I have to stop trying to dress like a 20 year old. That I am not 20. And he is being honest so that I won't go out looking like a fool. I still feel he was being too harsh. There are 20 year olds who do not have my body and could not even fit in my blue dress. He used to love my dressing younger but it seems everything has changed.I used to look sexy in anything. Even a potatoe sack. And now I'm too old, too fat, full of cellulite? Not sexy?Don't you think he was being harsh on me? He really hurt my feelings. And now makes me feel self conscious about my body. He has a big stomach. Never once have I put him down or criticized him about it. Even when he asks, I don't. I do not see it as a big deal. I also know he's sensitive about it therefore I am always kind to him and supportive, not critical.
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female
reader, Tinacandida  +, writes (8 August 2021):
 Youve got some good answers here. You sound like you know your self worth. Sounds like the green monster is surfing. He sounds insecure and cruel. Tell him, ok we will both go to the gym and whilst Im trying to look like a kardashian you can be working on your belly. Hope this helps.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2021): Oh my! That was very cruel and un called for. What if you lost a arm or leg?Or what if you had breast cancer and had to have them removed.Would he still love you...or not? Girl you can do so much better than him and you know it.What a mean man you have there.Why put up with that?You are perfect just the way you are....Never forget that.He is a jerk.
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A
female
reader, EmmyApple  +, writes (6 August 2021):
My story is similar to yours. I’m a very curvy girl - wide hips, big butt. Which my husband absolutely loved… at least at first. I was 145 pounds when we got married - not skinny, but certainly NOT fat. My body was pretty average so, no visible abs, a bit of pudge on the sides of my tummy (love handles) and a bit of back fat, but nothing too bad… a little spanx to help hold my tummy in, and I could definitely look like a sexy hourglass! I felt really good about my legs and butt which was big but it was toned and firm and perky. That started to change with weight gain. Weight gain is normal in relationships. By the end of our first year of marriage I was up to 180 pounds and much of it had gone to my hips.
Then I had a triggering incident like the one you described. I wear yoga pants to work because I sit all day on the computer so I need something comfy (soft fabric, stretchy waistband, no button, no belt). Well my favorite pair was probably a bit too small but they stretch like crazy so I got my self into them (you have to be careful stretching them too much or your undies will show through them and they will show the shape of your butt really clearly). My husband told me to put a long shirt on to cover my butt. I was confused because I always wear yoga pants and he’s never had a problem with it. Then he said my butt looked great in them when it was tight and firm, but now it was loose and saggy and all the fat jiggles around every time I move. He then complained about my “out of control” cellulite and how it’s affecting our sex life.
I was PISSED. Just like your husband, mine was a total hypocrite because of his freaking belly. He gained weight TOO and it all goes to his tummy. He went from a “dad bod” belly at 180 (which was fine with me!) to a massive beer gut at 230 (which was not okay… his waist had grown from 38” to 46”!!). And he had the audacity to complain about our sex life. His BELLY causes the dysfunction (I don’t go into detail but you can imagine that for a man with a small package, a big belly sticking out can get in the way of that little package from making contact easily lol).
After a massive blow up and argument, when things cooled down we were able to decide to try working out TOGETHER. That’s what you should do, and the focus should be BOTH of you getting healthier. We still haven’t lost weight but we are learning to be more accepting of each other’s weight. Changing sexual positions to something more comfortable for plus size bodies makes a HUGE difference and is the first thing you should do!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2021): OP, I am sure you are a beautiful woman. Your boyfriend seems to be pretty insecure in himself. My educated guess is that he wouldn't like men ogling you in public in that dress, knowing full well what your assets are. He may feel like you are too young and pretty for him and he just disappears in your presence when you are out in public. Or that other dudes will look at him and wonder what you are doing with him, and make a pass at you? The bottom line here is he is insecure and taking it out on you and that is not acceptable. We raise up the people we love, not knock them down. He was mean and I suggest you find yourself a nicer man to spend time with if he keeps this up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2021): Yes, I agree he was being very harsh and unkind to you. I also think he was being brutally honest.
You asked for an opinion about a dress you tried-on, that you've admitted was too young for you. I do believe he could have delivered an honest-opinion without all the poison and mean criticism. You do have feelings, and the way he responded was a bit too blunt.
You forgot something! You felt you looked good, and put all the weight of your self-esteem and feelings on his opinion. You actually allowed your own opinion to be cancelled! Does your opinion of yourself only matter if someone else flatters you?
You don't wear those particular outfits anywhere, you said they were strictly for him. Apparently he had a bee up his bum that particular day! There was no need to tell you that you'd make a fool of yourself; when you only wear them at home. I gather he no longer likes the blue dress! Oh, well!!! Parade around in one of those outfits for the next few days, and enjoy yourself! If he doesn't like it...whatever!!! Develop some immunity. Don't take everything to heart. You're 50! What's wrong with that?
He went overboard with his opinion, but you didn't have to take it so seriously or personally. You could have teased and reminded him about his pot-belly! You counted too much on his flattery. Flattery makes us feel good, but flattery isn't taken seriously. It's sweettalk and sappiness, not to be stored deeply in your heart. Blush it off!
There is also the underlying-issue you have about aging. It's going to happen to every living soul on the planet; if we're fortunate enough to live a full-lifetime.
Your body will change, your features will change, but your inner-beauty will never fadeaway. You can maintain fitness and tone at any age. If it's all for vanity's sake; you will fight gravity, but gravity and time will win!
People spend fortunes fighting the aging-process; but you can only fight it for so long. You should grow older gracefully; but you don't have to give-up on fitness and exercise. That's for health reasons.
You shouldn't survive and depend on compliments. That's conceit! If a man loses attraction for his mate, due to her appearance; his love was only superficial. Maybe it wasn't real. I will not say letting yourself go until you're sloppy and repugnant doesn't matter; it would make no sense to think you will be as visually-attractive as you were when you were young and fit! Be real!!!
An hour-glass figure is to die for! Your boobs have naturally gotten bigger (genetics); while others spend thousands to shove implants into their normal ones! Nature was basically kind to you, yet you're bent out of shape over what numb-nuts said? You know you look silly dressed like a teenager; but you know better than to wear those outfits in public. Knucklehead knows that too! In your own home, you can dress any way you please; and people can shove their opinions deep where the sun don't shine!
If you ask for an opinion, prepare for it. It could be good or bad. If you insist they are always good; don't let your conceit beat you over the head when honesty comes your way.
Don't take it so hard. Age with grace, embrace your fierceness, and the dignity and beauty of your maturity. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, in God's image. You were given natural attributes envied by others; but you let one guy suck the wind out of your sails. My dear, that's your fault. After reading this, go take a look in the mirror. Do you like what you see? If you don't, is it because of what he said...or is there really something wrong? Is there anything you know exercise can't fix? If it's necessary to make you love yourself again; then do something about it.
If he asks you about his belly, tell him the truth. He looks like the low-case letter "b"!!!
If Mr. Pot-belly is becoming mean, insensitive, and critical in his old-age; you don't need us to tell you what to do! Don't let the door hit him in the bum!!! If you kick him to the curb, he has enough belly to bounce!;)
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (5 August 2021):
 I think you need to sit down with your partner and tell him exactly how his comments made you feel. Then ask him to explain to you why he was deliberately so nasty. Be prepared to listen to what he has to say. Try to stay calm and talk this through.
I wonder if he is feeling insecure in himself, especially now he has retired? Perhaps he is worried you will find someone younger and in better shape than he is?
I'm a little puzzled that you have not managed to keep in shape if this is something you care about. Nobody needs to go to a gym to stay fit. There are many ways of keeping in shape that don't involve the gym. I have to wonder if you don't really WANT to stay super fit, if you only did it for your partner? You seem to like your new figure, so why do you need to change it? Are you that worried he will dump you because you are no longer his ideal woman?
The only other thing I would add is that a 50 year old (man OR woman), who dresses like a 20 year old, usually looks ridiculous and smacks of desperation. It is one thing dressing up for your partner in private but quite another going out like that. While I am all for people dressing as they like, perhaps your partner is trying to make a point that you need to dress a little more age-appropriately? There is a long way between 20 and 50. Have a look at how celebrities and film stars of your age dress, especially ones who you think look attractive, and pick up some tips from them on updating your wardrobe.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2021): Thanks for the answers so far. It's the OP. Honeypie, you have given excellent advice as usual.
Anon reader, I had an elliptical (used to be my dad's and I have used it since he died) and it recently broke down. It was my saving grace. I have stopped working out for about 3 months now. I did not have extra money to buy new equipment and the fitness room in my condo has been closed indefinitely. Still is. And I do not like running or walking outside. I guess I was a little misleading. I still stayed in some form of shape, until the elliptical broke and it was not repairable.
And just so you know, he used to tell his ex wife that she looked like an old lady when she bought clothes and asked for his opinion. He told her what she should be wearing too and that her choices of clothing were not to his liking either. Don't you think that is showing who he really is?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 August 2021):
 I think he was putting HIS own insecurities on you. HE is getting old and fat.
And perhaps HE was way more into having a partner that is SKINNY than someone who is OK with some extra weight. Your partner might be more superficial than you knew.
He might also be "afraid" that you will now "let yourself go" and become "fat". So by making you think you look horrible you will go back to how you looked and to the gym.
IF you like how you look, WEAR whatever you want IF he doesn't want to be seen with you... OK, you go out alone. I bet he would change his mind in a minute.
Now if this is HOW he honestly feels. YOU ASKED for his honest opinion, you can take it or leave it as you please.
I think this is one of those questions where people are expected to lie. (as you do to him about his fat belly because to you - there is MORE to your love for him than his looks).
And maybe it's time to upgrade your wardrobe with a little bit more classy stuff. You don't HAVE to look 80 but you don't have to TRY and look 20. Even if your body is "SWAG" you can look like you try too hard. Whereas dressing classy can look absolutely timeless.
Your partner really shouldn't be throwing rocks when he lives in a glasshouse.
Sorry. OP he sounds like a dick. He could have been honest WHILE using some tact. He CHOSE not to, in order to hurt your feelings.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2021): What is all this crap about how you were forced to stop exercising and working out because of lockdown? Lots of people continued to work out at home! You could run on the spot, do aerobics, get an exercise bike, plenty of ways you can exercise at home.
Nobody can make you feel self conscious, if they call you names or criticise you only you decide whether or not you take these things on board and let them soak in, you choose to let them hurt you, you choose to be with a man who wants to hurt you.
And he is fat himself, fat stomach means fat. He needs to exercise and change his diet. Tell him that, if you are silly enough to continue having a relationship with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2021): You feel you've put on weight and he thinks he's past it!
Yes, all that honest criticism is really directed at himself.
He wants to sport a more mature woman and not one that dresses as a 29 year old.
Quite possibly he'd like to take you out to dinner in a classy outfit, looking suitable for an ageing man like himself.
He doesn't want younger men looking at you.
He doesn't want people muttering that you'll soon be hunting for a young stud.
Maybe you could wear a longer skirt length in a sexy style and push those assets up a bit so he gets a teeny flash of cleavage.
Sometimes hiding it is more exciting for a man than flaunting it.
Just put a little bit on display until you get to the beach.
Then you let it all hang out..And occasionally mutter 'lipo..' under your breathe when a twenty looking figure has fifty year elbows or underarms.
We all age..
Or just go the whole way and wear a potatoe sack to a barbeque..But it would itch unbearably so maybe that compliment wasn't something to take too seriously.
And buy your man a thong and have a good laugh when he lets it all hang out or admire him for bravery while he tans his butt.
I think everyone should wear soft filtered lenses as they get older so that we all look like 30 yes old for ever...
Or just get older gracefully or disgracefully.
It's been a cycle of excess deaths for nearly two years, and people have suffered and died due to lack of resources so why on earth should you care about putting on extra pounds?
You're both lucky to still be here together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2021): You feel you've put on weight and he thinks he's past it!Yes, all that honest criticism is really directed at himself.He wants to sport a more mature woman and not one that dresses as a 29 year old.Quite possibly he'd like to take you out to dinner in a classy outfit, looking suitable for an ageing man like himself.He doesn't want younger men looking at you.He doesn't want people muttering that you'll soon be hunting for a young stud.Maybe you could wear a longer skirt length in a sexy style and push those assets up a bit so he gets a teeny flash of cleavage.Sometimes hiding it is more exciting for a man than flaunting it.Just put a little bit on display until you get to the beach.Then you let it all hang out..And occasionally mutter 'lipo..' under your breathe when a twenty looking figure has fifty year elbows or underarms.We all age..Or just go the whole way and wear a potatoe sack to a barbeque..But it would itch unbearably so maybe that compliment wasn't something to take too seriously.And buy your man a thong and have a good laugh when he lets it all hang out or admire him for bravery while he tans his butt.I think everyone should wear soft filtered lenses as they get older so that we all look like 30 yes old for ever...Or just get older gracefully or disgracefully.It's been a cycle of excess deaths for nearly two years, and people have suffered and died due to lack of resources so why on earth should you care about putting on extra pounds?You're both lucky to still be here together.
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