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female
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anonymous
writes: My ex and I broke up a week or so back. We have spent alot of time together since, and things have been better. We ended up having sex again the other night, and now I'm confused. I know I want to be with him, But i dont think he feels the same. He said he loved and cared about me, but was no longer in love with me. And never ever wanted us to get back together, and I accepted that. But know I dont know what he wants? Was he just useing me? Or do you think there is a chance he still wants to work things out?
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (9 December 2005):
 It probably should have set off alarm bells when he told you he loved you but wasn't "in love with" you. That's another way of saying, "I'd rather have you as a friend than a girlfriend", don't you think?
The sex should have been the next worry. Having sex with someone who's already said he doesn't love you just demeans the whole experience. Yes, in this instance he was just using you, and he will probably accept exactly as much sex as you're willing to give -- but you shouldn't mistake that for his being in love with you.
I urge you to step back and think really long and hard about the relationship you have with him. Did you just get back together because you were used to each other's company, or was there something very special about him that no other guys do for you? Have the issues that drove you apart in the first place now been fixed... or are they just pushed to the back of your mind?
It's very easy to only feel the loneliness of a breakup and have that obliterate all the reasons that you actually broke up. If the problems that you had before are still not resolved, then you're only in for more arguments and heartbreak. If you want to work out your relationship, you both need to admit to, address and correct the problems that made you break up.
It's probably a good idea not to see each other for a while, and for both of you to work on the shortcomings of your relationship. You really shouldn't be having sex with him while you ponder your future, because the emotions that are associated with sex will muddy your thought processes.
I'm not against getting back together with exes, as long as you make sure that you're doing it because you want *each other*, and not simply because that's the easiest solution to feeling post-breakup loneliness.
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