A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I would like some advice regarding anyone's opinion of my ex-boyfriend's comments to me last night. He has said that he loves me and will support me yet when he came over last night he did nothing but rubbish what I was trying to do in the best interests of my daughter at present. I have suffered abuse from my entire family the Domestic Violence Cycle and have finally at the age of nearly 42 broken free, I know it's taken me a while however I have had a lot of therapy and been doing work on myself and to stand alone when you have no support and break the dv cycle has not been easy. My daughter has decided that she wants to live with her Dad and my Mum after I tried to lay down some boundaries with her as well and she has been so used to being given an out by my whole family and me being outnumbered. I tried to have a relationship 3 years ago and my ex and mother didn't like that and then in turn my daughter said she was going to stay with my mum and her dad and my family said I had to make a choice between my boyfriend and my daughter.I got rid of the boyfriend of course. The same thing has happened again, but this time with the Scholarshop that she won for an Agricultural College at Bindoon with horses in the country. She wanted me to apply for it and she won it as she hasn't been happy at the last three schools either. In myself trying not to rely on my parents and getting my daughter away from the environment I thought it was a blessing that my daughter won the Scholarship. However she was adamant that she wanted out of this school as well. I gave her a choice taking on board my daughters psychologist at the school and said that she either lived with me and stayed at the Boarding School or she lived with her Dad and my Mum and go to a day school. I told her that I had one condition though and that was that she stuck with her decision for 12 months as she has done this before and thinks she can get away with coming and going and opting out of whenever or with whatever she doesn't want to do and always get back up from my family. I'm trying and always have tried to do the best thing for my daughter and keep her safe and have had nothing but abuse, put down's in front of my daughter. I'm totally over it and it is effecting my health.Anyway my ex last night got very angry with me and said that I had made the wrong decision and should force my daughter to come back home despite the fact that she does not want to come back and gets hysterical and hits me and abuses me. My ex also told me I have left my run too late with my daughter, and trying to complete a uni degree. He said I should have done my degree 10 years ago despite the fact that I am half way through a degree in Psychology-Criminology and Law. He also said that he could earn more money than me. I have a part time job that I have just got earning $21.80 nightfilling in a supermarket to help me to pay my mortgage and to survive. I'm feeling very depressed about what he said about leaving Uni too late in my life and breaking out of the cycle too late. I have been trying very hard to do all the right things and it has been a nightmare trying to break away from my family with no one in my corner or any support.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 May 2011):
 Don't let that one comment derail all your hard work on getting your degree now.
There's this quote that I think is attributed to Confucious. "The best time to plant a tree is ten years ago."
So ten years from now, you would look back in sorrow and regret if you gave up your plans because of one guy's opinion. So what, yes, maybe it would have been nice had you finished your degree 10 years ago. Well, you didn't. But here you are, doing it. It would be a great pity if you looked back on this time 10 years from now and said
"I wish I had...."
Stick to your plans, stick to what you are doing as you seem to have worked things out pretty well. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your daughter to stick to her decision for a year.
I think you need to surround yourself with positive people who offer you support and nurture. Don't latch on to the negative, self-fulfilling ideas that have destroyed your dreams in the past.
Forgive yourself for your past, you are building a real future for yourself, don't stop now.
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