A
male
age
41-50,
*eelingBetrayed
writes:Hello,I've been married to my wife for 6 years. Right when we met and started dating, she told me she had been a prostitute for one night, and felt so bad she never did it again.Throughout our marriage, she's lied to me about a few things (nothing too major.. smoking, things she'd accomplished, etc..), but I recently got it out of her that she was actually a working prostitute when we met, but claims she quit when we met.I feel like I can't trust her anymore and that our relationship was built on a lie.What do I do?(We have 2 kids, 3 and 6, and she's generally a good wife.. except for the housework)
View related questions:
prostitute Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2014): Buddy I'm telling you now..I wish I had a solution but you may never know rhe truth. Never. I had to get a divorce because my x never told the same lie ywice. I was led to beleive a lot but I learned to just listen and remember then ask the same simple questions. Nothing matched. I found her journsl and read how she was a stripper , had sex with her father, and was paid for sex. It was unbelievable. She would justify any lie with religion or salvation. She would tell me so many lies about one story , and would add a bit of the truth each time..it took years to actually hear the truth. It was living hell. She justified blow jobs by saying " I only hsd my mouth on it for 30 seconds , my girlfriend "finished" it. I found her face book page and leraned way more . You need to do one of 2 things. stop looking and accept just to live with a disturbed woman or be prepaired to open up a knowledge base that will tourture your mind.
A
male
reader, FeelingBetrayed +, writes (18 August 2009):
FeelingBetrayed is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow... lots of discussion on this one :)
Since my first post, I've forgiven her for lying, and we've had some really good talks.
I beleive what she's telling me, and I don't see any evidence of any other major lies. She's been good to me in every other way, and I do love her.
I feel like I can trust her now, but something still feels a bit different than before. I think it's just time that's needed now... to get back to that comfortable, trusting, married relationship.
Thanks for all the replies... I didn't agree with some, but that's what these places are for! You guys gave me lots to think about, and I feel that this discussion process definately helped.
-FeelingBetrayed (not so much anymore)
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): Without getting too technical, you wrote: "how many men will accept a practicing prostitute or even an ex prostitute as their wife. If they knew beforehand the likelihood is there but if it was revealed later in the relationship or during marriage this is another story."Clearly, you implied she was doing this while married, and that he didn't know it. Both wrong assumptions. He knew what she was before the marriage, and he said to his knowledge, she wasn't doing it after they began dating. I thought the poster communicated that quite clearly, so let's not blame his wife for something you can't prove (i.e., that she told him after they married). She wasn't working as a prostitute after she fell in love with him, and hasn't since marriage 6 years ago. He has to trust her word, if he loves her. So it's old news, it wasn't entirely a shock to him, and it's time to move forward.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): without getting too technical:"she told me she had been a prostitute for one night, and felt so bad she never did it again."".), but I recently got it out of her that she was actually a working prostitute when we met, but claims she quit when we met."this amounts to non disclosure upfront.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): Did the female anonymous poster even read the question? He knew she had been a prostitute before they were married. Anyway, to the asker, I understand how you could feel a little betrayed. She didn't lie, but she didn't tell the truth, either. And there's a difference between lying and not disclosing the whole truth. But at this stage, 6 years later when she's been a good wife and mum, what's to be gained by making this small fact into a huge open sore that may never heal?I say measure her by the past 6 years. If she makes you happy and fulfilled and she's a good mum, why isn't that enough for you? Are you looking for a reason to justify leaving your wife, and this situation happens to seem a convenient opportunity? Otherwise, by this point, I don't see that it's as big an issue as you're trying to make it. If you love her, you'll want to get past it and get on with life. And want is all you need to make that happen.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): i am all for people changing and moving on to better, having learnt from the challenges they faces and how they have overcome these difficulties.having said that :HONESTY CHECK: how many men will accept a practicing prostitute or even an ex prostitute as their wife. If they knew beforehand the likelihood is there but if it was revealed later in the relationship or during marriage this is another story.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): My previous analogies make sense because once you change your mind about a decision, the negative consequences of that decision (and the positive ones) don't go away. We still have to hold people accountable for their choices whether they change their mind later or not. The woman's decisions aren't so morally bad like robbing a bank, but they ARE continuing to cause problems for another person. The situation is the same whether she has changed her mind now or not. She still got the benefits of having been a prostitute back then. She still gets the benefits of lying to him to get him too committed to back out when the truth was revealed. And he still continues to suffer for her decisions now and in the future.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): Theboy's answer made me sick.If you rob a bank then you go to jail. The judge won't let you off the hook because you have changed since then. If you go bankrupt then it affects your credit rating for the rest of your life. That history doesn't all go away once you start paying bills again. If you get an incurable STD from screwing around, then you're stuck with it. It doesn't go away as soon as you have learned not to sleep around carelessly. Our actions have consequences whether we like it or not. This woman's actions will continue to inflict pain on her husband long after she has learned her lesson. Her husband had no choice to avoid this. He did not choose to feel hurt over this and he did not choose to be lied to. And her past choices will continue to hurt him long into the future. It is not fair to this man to blame him for feeling something that is totally natural and he had no choice to avoid it. The least we can do is agree that the person inflicting this pain upon him is the one at fault.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): yes the relationship was built on lies and deceit and non disclosure up front. you are entitled to feel betrayed and even concerned. will she go back to her prostitution days. is she also just too used to having sex with random strangers and will miss the live and continue on the sly. these are valid worries. i would say if you cannot accept her lies and what she was then you need to end this marriage. you will always have doubts. I don’t think any man will actually accept that his wife was/ is a prostitute. Only the very brave will accept something like this.
There is a younger guy who posted something similar on the 1 August : How do I forgive my wife for being a prostitute?. Interesting what advice he was given. Please either contact him or respond to his post . I am certain he is going through the same concerns you have , maybe you two can swop notes and be able to either make peace with the fact that the wife was a prostitute or decide to move on.
please whatever happens, don't tell the kids mummy was a "lady" of the night. spare them this.
...............................
A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (12 August 2009):
 Well only through actions, and not words can you begin to trust her again.
Id certainly be very wary about this. Also as bad as this sounds, I think now would be a good time that you get tested for STD's. Sadly some can lie dormant for years.
It is up to you whether you want to believe her or not. I sure would have a hard time doing it. I really haver a hard time believing you actually fell for the "hooker for a night" routine. That is a pretty old line...old as dirt. Id have been running away long ago.
But the main thing is that her actions and not her words are what will be the make or break in her regaining your trust.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): so it still leads down to trusting her, and that still leads down to making her feel comfortable enough to TALK with you about it all, this will make you both feel loads better. and it will help you understand each other more.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): Lying about being a prostitute is not a "little thing." You don't have an obligation to be okay with it. And she didn't have the right to tell you whatever you needed to hear to get you to the altar. Marriage isn't some finish line when the statute of limitations expires on all previous lies.
...............................
A
male
reader, FeelingBetrayed +, writes (12 August 2009):
FeelingBetrayed is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe problem I have is that she lied about what she'd been doing AFTER we got together (even though she did it before).
Maybe I'm feel like I can't trust her so much, cuz to me, doing something once and realizing your mistake is just that... a mistake, but doing it several times (as a job) is not just a mistake.
To me it shows something about the person's character. And I'm not sure I can trust that type of person.
(and to reply to above, it was just cigarettes.. she smoked for several months behind my back, and I've never NEVER lied to her.. about anything.. not my past either (much of it I'm not proud of!))
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): so basicly she lied about things that were to her embarrasing? At least I would feel that way, or at least I would feel I would be judged if I told someone that I was a prostatute. smoking what exactly? if it was weed.. same scenario.. regualr cigaretts.. well thats just stupid to lie about.
if your relationship is generally good then she may feel like you won't approve or might judge her. I lie about little stuff only to keep the piece for example... I paid 35.00 per towl, why they were Vera Wang and I loved the way they felt. I told my bf I paid 15.00... why cause he would have a heart attack. (HES cheap)... im not. lol but its all good he knows i fib deep down...
trust is important but i think you may be a little harsh here.. i mean end the relationship for something that was before you? Is there anything you have lied about? ever? Just so you wouldn't hear shit from her? I can understand not wanting to be lied to about everything in the marriage but before.... to be honest, its none of your buisness anyway.. (not being mean) but what happens behind closed doors should stay there.
so a good place to start to mend your relationship would be to sit down and converse.. NOT JUDGE on anything.. that means both of you empty the closet out.. all of the bones that are in there need to go...make it so both of you feel ok to tell each other anything. You may not like what you hear and she may not either.. but after this you don't have to speek of it again.
you then can start to fill your preverbial closet with memories of your own.
have fun spring cleaning,
and keep us posted
...............................
A
female
reader, Leighann_ox  +, writes (12 August 2009):
If you love your wife and want it to work for the childrens' sake, why are you concerned about her past?
What happened in the past stays in the past, don't drag up things that happened before you were with her. Her past is irrelevant because you are her present and her future.
However, due to her past I hope she did have rigorous checks for sexually transmitted diseases, as if she hasn't this has put you, herself and your childrens' health in jepordy.
Forget about the demons in her past, she doesn't need you bringing them up and reminding her of them because she's probably struggling to deal with it herself.
You should attend couple's therapy if you two can't move past this but want to stay together. Relate is the leading marriage counsillor, although I'm not sure it they're available in Canada.
Learn to forgive and forget if you want this to work, but don't stay with her for the sake of your children. It's more damaging for children to see a marriage between two people who can't work it out, when compared to two adults separated.
...............................
|
