A
male
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anonymous
writes:My gf and I broke up. She broached the oft-discussed thorny aside of our relationship following a weekend of discussions with her sister and so I agreed that this was a problem that we hadn’t resolved and as painful as it was to accept that we seemed to have an unreconcilable fundamental difference between us, “we did”. That’s when her tune changed. I was dumfounded when I subsequently had to call upon nerves of steel to follow through with what I felt was the right decision as we simply weren’t meant to be.So after the excruciation emotional agony of having to silently and firmly enforce this break for 8 taxing hours in my car I got the wind knocked out of me the next evening when my ex rushed into my arms when I left one of my class. I can’t describe the pain I had to silently endure having to talk to her all over again. We drove over to her place and packed away “reminders of me” somewhere out of sight and while there was more to do I really couldn’t take it anymore – it really wasn’t my place to do so but I stomach her crying. I know she has great friends; where the #@!$#@ were they and why hadn’t they helped her more than a few chats on the phone here and there?I politely wrote one of them an email offering a few suggestions of changes in her environment that he may want to consider as beneficial. It kills me to think of her crying. Now I’m thinking the email was a really stupid move. It really wasn’t my place to tell her friend what to do. Is this a big no-no that I blindly missed?- Having a horrible week
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (18 October 2008):
 You know what, Anon? Now that you say all this, I have a second opinion. I still think it wasn't right to contact the friend, homosexual or not. I still believe you have to handle the thing. But now I also believe that there's too much drama here. If she discussed the break-up with family and friends and only one billion, three hundred million, five hundred thousand thirty-five people knew about it, then why the tears? It seems like she organized several round tables on the subject. Then, after a referendum was held and a consensus decision was reached, she spoke to you. And then she spent the night in tears. Oh!
I am also inclined to believe that yes, you did the right thing in breaking up with her. I don't know about the rest of the reasons, but "DRAMA" in capital letters, is a very big one.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your kind insights. Irish49, tb and Danielepew; you’ve been most helpful during this time when my thinking has been very hazy. Perhaps I could add some details that were omitted in my already long first post (and I thank you for reading it):Her family and close friend were aware of the fact that she was going to bring this up on Monday as they had talked about it over the weekend. Once we did break up, her roommate was there for her but from what my ex tells me she wasn’t very helpful. She spent a lot of time on the phone with family and friends and her best friend in our town (male) came over to console her at her place. If it illuminates things further, the latter is a homosexual in a loving relationship with another man and my ex and him are very close. I personally find him to be a great friend of hers. I know I said she only had a few phone chats earlier but I fixating on all the other important things that friend should do and I was hoping they would have done for her.All this to say that I thank you for your valuable insights. Danielpew, you brought up several points, many of which I think are addressed by the above clarification. One of them however strikes my particular concern and that is that I unduly put an onus on this male best friend of hers to help her “as per my directions”.Prior to doing so I juggled many considerations. Namely, her suffering when I knew changing her environment and getting out of the house would help her so much; her friends wanting to know what they could do to help (without knowing what and where these reminders were); having this painful phase pass as quickly as possible so that it didn’t cause too many problems in other areas of her life (e.g. school exams, work, health) and my personal interest of not having to go through what would have been at this point an unbearable and emotionally messy third talk between the two of us. All of this considered against the fact that I should show more deference to the role of friend even if I don’t feel their efforts were enough; that I would be insulting this close friend of hers; that I would be imposing heavy obligations on him without knowing what else he may be going through and not having a friendship with him as such that I felt I could ask him to do something for me; and finally knowing full well that what I would be doing was not the norm and maybe this was a lesson in it’s own right.Ultimately I chose to simply send the email hoping that any good friend would pardon my forthrightness in the best interest of helping his friend feel better. I really don’t know if this was the right thing to do or what I have lesson I have gleamed from this but I truly appreciate your inputs. Maybe in the distant future I will talk to her or her friend and I will learn something about myself.Thank you- Anon
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (17 October 2008):
Oh, and I need to add something else. Why did you tell a MALE friend of hers? My guess is that, if someone had to know, your ex would have preferred a GIRL friend to help her.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (17 October 2008):
I don't question your decision to break up. That may be the right thing to do. I do question, however, your telling a friend what to do to help your ex manage the pain.
You know, breaking up is hard to do. I don't have to tell you that. When you dump someone who doesn't want to break up with you, you're fully aware that you're breaking someone's heart. And that hurts, yes. But, if you're right about breaking up, then you also need to take the bull by the horns and deal with the consequences of it. We know she will come back to ask you to reconsider, and it is you who has to deal with it.
If I understand your post right, you broke up with her like one day ago. I don't think many of her friends would even know about it. If she's doing what you say she does, go after you when you leave the class, then my guess is that she's been overwhelmed. She is hoping you will go back to her, so I don't think she has told anyone.
Your telling the friend what to do about your ex might be seen as a way to ask someone else to take care of the break-up. "Help her do this and that so she will feel less pain" also means "YOU help her".
Also, you have put the friend in a difficult situation. My bet is that he was surprised to know you had broken up, and was surprised and embarrassed to be asked to handle it.
If I were your ex, I would be upset. I think that calling for help, or telling her people about the break up, should have been her decision.
Like I said, I don't question your decision to break up. I don't think I can't insist enough in this. I do question the way you have managed the break-up. However, there's nothing you can do about it now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): I'm so very sorry for your pain! I think you are a very sweet and caring man. I wish my ex-boyfriends had been so kind to me. It certainly wasn't wrong of you to contact her friend, not at all. How very thoughtful of you. Its obvious that you are really hurting and yet you still went above and beyond to do something kind and considerate. Consider yourself a wonderful man and don't be hard on yourself ok? Any woman who you get involved with will be very lucky.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): Hi there. I am truely sorry for the break up. I can see from your posting this has caused you much sorrow and anquish. I really don't think it was a stupid move to email a friend of hers, to offer her (your ex gf)some comfort. In fact, I feel it was commendable and quite caring of you. You did have the option of simply washing your hands of all this and walking away. You did a lot more than most guys, who break up with their gf's, would ever dream of doing. You chose to do one last act of caringness for her. This friend of hers, may not be aware of her pain and will likely appreciate being told that she is suffering. It's time to heal, recover and try to move on. You will need to be patient with yourself. Take care of yourself and the best of luck.
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