A
male
age
36-40,
*ndy00
writes:I'm having serious problems with my girlfriend.My girlfriend is extremely jealous of my ex girlfriend, for whatever reason. At the start of mine and my g/f's relationship, my g/f hated my ex's guts. She warmed to her after a pleasant night out with my coursemates that they both attended. But now she's back to hating her.It started on Wednesday. My coursemates were having a social to celebrate my birthday, my girlfriend did not attend. Everyone went out and we all had a great time - Drinking, dancing, just a typical night out really. Then, unbeknownst to me, my ex told my housemate (and friend of mine) that she had no place to stay, so he offered her to sleep on the sofa at mine and his house, which she accepted. Anyway, the end of the night came, and it became clear that my ex was staying at ours. Given that she had nowhere else to go, I didn't object, believing that my girlfriend wouldn't mind because she absolutely would not be sleeping in my room. (In the end, she slept in my housemates bed. Nothing happened, and I wouldn't have had an issue with it if something had).I decided to tell my girlfriend the next day. I thought that it would sound much better coming from me in an open and honest way. However, she got quite upset with me.Things have been tense since then, but tonight things got a lot worse! It's very early in the morning here in England, and my g/f called me at about 1:15 and I have to be up for work at 8:20. She asks me to come round, and when I reject her invite because of my early start in the morning, she says "are you sleeping with somebody else then?". Then we start to argue over the phone, and she cut me off. Furiously, I grabbed the first clothes I could find, and drove to hers in my slippers.As we talked, she admitted that she doesn't think I cheated on her on Wednesday, but is upset that I "didn't consider how she'd feel about my ex sleeping at my house". I argued that I played no part in my ex sleeping over. People, please tell me, could I possibly have said to my ex "No, you aren't allowed to sleep in our 4 bedroom house. You'll just have to find somewhere else to sleep. My girlfriend seems to think that I should have gotten her to sleep at a homeless shelter. I think it's ridiculous.Towards the end, she asked me to sleep over. I was in no mood to understandably and so I left. Unfortunately, we didn't leave on great terms either. As she lay in bed, I tried to tuck her in and make sure her quilt covered her feet so she'd be comfortable. Then she said "Can you just piss off and turn the lights out please?", at which point I turned around and marched out of the house, absolutely fuming.Guys, I'm at the end of my tether. Please tell me: Was it wrong for my ex to sleep at my house (not in my room as I explained)? According to "95% of the people" my girlfriend asked said they wouldn't be comfortable with that. Do I have a right to be angry? My girlfriend doesn't think so. And what on earth should I do next? Things aren't looking good for us, and I'm not going to feel like I'm able to fix this without a little perspective. Please, please help me!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): "To anon: Would I be comfortable with an ex sleeping at her house? The answer is "Not entirely"
Well, there you go! If you wouldn't like her doing it, then understand she doesn't like you doing it. I understand your point that if it was just on the couch and not in the bed you wouldn't be happy but the hard part about that is, you don't know that. We can't assume what our feelings would be like if we hadn't gone through it. Sure, we can guess but usually we guess that we would be rational and understanding people and the fact is, when we have emotions for someone, we usually aren't rational. From personal experience you know it isn't a good feeling. It puts lots of worries and lots of fears in your head. And what's happening is you are looking at your girlfriends opinion through your filter. You think the couch is OK. But she doesn't. So every time she says the couch is wrong, rather than hearing her, you are saying she is wrong. It's like if you thought hugging ex's was OK but she thought kissing them was OK. Wouldn't you be pissed if she kissed her ex all the time? And then everytime you brought up the concern she said "Oh it's no big deal. I don't have feelings for him" Well, she isn't acknowledging you are hurt, she is telling you your beliefs are wrong.
I know that you think your girlfriend is crazy but you said your ex slept in her ex's bed once! If you are refering to the same ex, I get the impression your ex doesn't have good boundries with her ex's. As a woman, she would scare me. She sounds like the kind of girl that likes still having her ex's wrapped around her finger so she occasional puts herself back in their lives. I don't know her, so I'm not saying that she is. I'm just saying that if I was in your girlfriends position, she would make me nervous.
As far as what your next step should be, well you could dump her or try to make it work. Any relationship that lasts, is full of these times. People who make it to 50 years of marriage have time and time like this until they realize where the other person's boundries are. A relationship is about sacrfice. That's why so many dont last. It's about giving up your rights. And not dying on every hill.
Unfortunately, you found that one of your girlfriends boundries is your ex. She doesn't like her. It doesn't matter why. It doesn't matter if she has no reason why. She doesnt like her. I can tell you she is crazy. But how do you know that your girlfriend doesn't see things that you don't? She thinks she has valid reasons for not liking her. So when you tell her over and over again that she has no reason not to like her, it hurts her. Wouldn't it kill you if you hated how she acted with her ex but everytime you tried to tell her she said "Oh you have nothing to worry about". When that happens the concerned party feels brushed off.
So, for you to keep this relationship, you need to realize the ex is an issue. And respect that it is and, out of care for your girlfriend, make every attempt to avoid contact. That's extreme right? That's how relationships last. Respecting each others boundries, even if you don't understand them.
If you don't care for your girlfriend enough to do that, it's a good sign the relationship isn't something worth fighting for. Cause when you really care for the person, steps like this are hard, but they don't seem impossible. Or even if they do seem that way, you still do them out of love.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 November 2009):
 Hi again "A male" I think you should be sending thanks sky wards for being handed a reason to dump the current g/f. She sounds irrational and dangerous, and if she started the relationship full of hatred towards another person for no valid reason, heh! why invite somebody like that into your life?
Tell her you can no longer live on tenterhooks and no longer want her in your life, for heavens sake (damn showing my age now through the use of that phrase) you are aged between 18 and 21, when I consider what is still to come in your life, (another 60 plus years) you want to put up with this crap for the next six decades? Let it go, let her go, get on with your studies or whatever, and dont worry about bed sports for a few months (we dont want your current g/f soon to be new ex g/f coming after you with a carving knife) give the girl a few weeks to get over losing the object of her obsession (thats you!). A new adventure is waiting around the corner, and you need to be unencumbered by loonie sheilas if you are going to be able to grasp any opportunities (love life and career wise)
good luck
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (1 November 2009):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question To anon: Would I be comfortable with an ex sleeping at her house? The answer is "Not entirely". I can understand why some people wouldn't be comfortable with that arrangement, but I'm no stranger to that. In fact, the ex girlfriend I refer to actually SHARED her ex's bed for a week while we were dating. Was I happy? I was furious! But I do believe that had she only been sleeping at his house I would have been okay with it. Her sharing his bed crossed a line for me, and it seems that my ex sleeping anywhere in my house is an issue with her. Me and her just have different limits it would seem.
Satindesire, I apologized a number of times for making her feel like I didn't think of her at all. I really tried to get the point across that I had NOTHING to do with my ex staying over that night. I didn't invite her. The only reason I didn't stop her was because by the time I found out she was staying over, it was 3am, everyone was drunk and there seemed to be no alternative. That is why this frustrates me so much. All of this was arranged behind my back, and yet I'm paying the price for it. As for explaining all this to her, I started off calmly 2 days ago when I first told her about Wednesday night, but gradually my patience has run out, and last night I became quite angry, assisted by the fact that it was late, I had work in the morning, and I was being accused of cheating again.
Auntie Bim Bim, I'm afraid my girlfriend has no reason to hate my ex. My g/f has always hated my ex and I've always tried to tell her that it's undeserved hatred. On top of that I've told her a thousand times that she has no reason to feel threatened and that I have no feelings left for my ex, other than feelings of friendship. Me and my ex are on the same course as eachother. Why shouldn't we try to get along? That's all we're doing, and I think anybody who knows us (except my ex) could tell you the same thing.
I hope I have explained myself a little better when answering your questions. Could somebody please advise me on what my next move should be?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (1 November 2009):
did your current g/f have a valid reason for hating your ex g/f guts at the start of your relationship or was it just an irrational, just because, hatred?
Think carefully about this, if she had a valid reason for that hatred in the beginning, ie the ex threatened her or was a nasty basket all round then yes, your current g/f would have reason to feel threatened by your ex sleeping at yours.
If it were an irrational hatred that existed only because she had a bite of the cake (you the b/f) before she did well then, perhaps you should view her behaviour as an indication of what your future will be if you stay with her.
It would be great if you could come back and tell me what the answer is to my question, good luck with it all
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): Well, I think to best understand the situation you might want to switch roles and see if it bothers you.
If you didn't like her ex boyfriend, for whatever reason, would you be happy if he had slept over at her house?
Also, I think her frustration might be coming, not simply from the act of her sleeping over, but more that you didn't tell her before she slept over. After all, wasn't some of the reason you didn't tell her before because you didn't want her to be upset and get in a fight with you? Or maybe you felt like if you told her, you would be asking permission so you didn't want to do that.
But from a women's perspective, usually what happens is that if she was in a situation like that, she might have called you and given you a head's up on a questionable situation. You must have known it was questionable or you wouldn't have felt any need to tell her the next day.
I imagine she thinks you were trying to be sneaky and keep it from her. Even if that wasn't your intention.
I think another important thing to understand is that while a man wants to remain friends with his ex's, a woman isn't like that. If a woman tries to remain a friend with her ex she has probably not given up feelings for her ex. So while you may just be being friendly, she is interrepting it as you having feelings for her. Cause look what happened. You allowed her to have a place to sleep at the price of your girlfriends trust of you. You were willing to make the ex comfortable, but hurt your girlfriend for it. That's how a woman see's it. If you loved her more than the ex, you would have said no to the ex, to not hurt your girlfriend. Whether it's right or wrong, that's how she sees it.
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A
female
reader, xocinderellaox11  +, writes (1 November 2009):
okay no matter what the situation even if you and your ex are the best of friends. a girlfriend will never like to feel like shes in the middle of old love. it hurts and it actually makes her feel like you keep her for emotional help. so do i think it was wrong for you to let your ex stay over? yeah big big problem in my book.
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