A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey, so, I have a big problem here. I've just gotten into a new relationship, and so far things have been shaky for me. I have trust issues and insecurities from my last relationships, so it's really hard for me to communicate my feelings. But I really do want to make things work. It's not like I'm not ready for a new relationship, because I am, I just don't think I've ever really been in a good relationship before, so it's hard to know what to expect.Anyway, my boyfriend, let's call him Joe, brought up his past which makes me very uncomfortable. For one, he used to be a hardcore partier. Going to college parties every night, drinking, getting with girls, and other things. I'm not that type of girl. Then, I guess a month after dating we slept together (I made him wait) and before he told me that he slept with over 16 girls!! That's a huge red flag for me, I realized that it wasn't that big of a deal, so I tried hard to let it go, there's nothing I could do about that.But here's the real problem that I desperately need help with. Joe's last relationship lasted 3 years, and his ex, let's call her Beth, was a terrible girlfriend. But here's the problem, she's been getting involved in our relationship, she tries to talk to Joe, but Joe keeps telling her that he's dating me. She automatically wants to meet me... My answer of course was "NO." and I told Joe that I wasn't comfortable with him talking to her, so I assume that he stopped. Now Beth's coming home from college and Joe asked if I wanted to hang out with her... the 3 of us. Immediately I expressed my discomfort, and the issue went away. He claims that he doesn't want to be with Beth anymore, but he's worried about her because she's suffering from depression. Keep in mind too, that Beth keeps trying to get back with Joe, she basically said that when she comes back, she's going to get back together with him.Now. Last night, while Joe and I were hanging out, another ex's name popped up. Let's call her Maggie. Joe was madly in love with Maggie. They were together until she got gang-raped, lost her mind, and was sent to a mental institution (?). Or that's what I'm told. So, when he broke up with Maggie, he dated Beth. However, throughout his entire relationship with Beth, he cheated on her... with Maggie. The last time he saw/slept with her was 5 months ago. Yikes.( we weren't together at that time)Naturally, I got extremely upset and broke down. I told him that if Maggie came back, he'd probably choose her over me then we started to argue and he said that he doesn't love her anymore because she's mean, or whatever. Then he said that I've never been in love, so I wouldn't understand why he'd done that. I have been in love, but I still don't understand why he would do that. Now he claims that Maggie will never come back because she's in an out of state college, but the problem is, he wants to go to that same state... His excuse for sleeping with her was, "I just couldn't help myself, whenever I'm around her, I just have to get with her."And I really think that she's coming back for the Summer... Please, what do I do. He says that he wouldn't cheat on me, but I don't know that for a fact. How do I communicate about this? I still want to make this work, but I just don't know how to approach this situation. I've done things equally as bad in my past, but I know for a fact that I've changed. Now he and I agree that we're in this relationship to make a new start of our lives. He wants to change, and so do I. He claims that he loves me more than he ever loved Maggie because I'm different from those girls, I'm not the type to sleep around or do things I regret. So, I believe him, but I don't know how to take this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): Honey take my word for it. Try has hard as he wants he is doing a piss poor job of trying to change. What the hell here why do you put up with this kind of crap? And stop beating yourself up. This is totally unacceptable. Tell lover boy no more communication with his x. Tell him I don't want to meet your x hoe and tell him you want him to get tested for sexual transmitted diseases. And you get tested yourself. Don't forget no excuses. You might be in for a rude rude awakening. And who appointed you as his saviour? Sorry once a cheater always a cheater. And yes don't rub the tiger woods story in my face. Do something now, don't accept the bullshit stories and get the f---? out of this screwy relationship. Good God woman come on?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2013): OP the difference between you and him is that you have changed and he only "wants to". Which means he hasn't changed at all and will keep doing what he's always done.
Now he's making all sorts of bullshit excuses too. OP I've been in and out of love and relationships for 20 years now, I have never once cheated on anyone and I do understand why he did OP and it wasn't for love it was for his penis. Because if he loved Maggie then they wouldn't have used a severely mentally disabled and distraught woman for sex. So that makes him an utter creep. If he loved Beth he wouldn't have gone off to use Maggie for sex and cheated on her.
OP the only person he's shown himself capable of loving is himself.
Now he's also told you he can't help himself when it comes to Maggie, we both know why too. She's an easy lay for him, she can't say no to him because her head is so fucked and he likes to have that kind of power over a woman.
OP in my 20 years of all this stuff there's one big thing I've learned. Relationships based on principle of being a means to change, or as a "new start" are doomed to failure. Why? Because you're supposed to do all your changing, all your new start shit before you get with a new person otherwise you just keep making the same mistakes.
So you're basically in this to be his saviour? To help him change? What happens if he doesn't then OP? What happens if you put years into this guy and he's off sleeping with Maggie?
He says he wouldn't cheat on you, well he said that to Beth too. Oh and look Beth is still sniffing around and very openly trying to get him back and he's a guy who openly admits he can't help himself but to sleep with other women. And he even wants to introduce you to her so you can hang out? It is 100% not okay to allow your ex or any girl who so very much wants you to have as much access to his life as she has.
OP you say you've never been on a good relationship well I can see why seeing as you're now dating a player.
A guy with a history of playing, a history of cheating, who admits he hasn't changed, who is hoping you can change him, who keeps his exes around so he can have them as backups and maybe even cheat with them, who uses a bullshit excuse like you don't know what love is like when he so very clearly loves no one but himself.
Best of luck OP, this guy is going to burn you to shit and play you until you're broken. There are tonnes of red flags here and he's still the player he always was or his exes would be history. "You're different" is the oldest line in the book. You're not like all the other girls so I'll be different with you, bullshit OP. You're just easy prey for a guy like him because you can't see through all his bullshit. All he has is words and you're so ready to believe them.
I have no advice for you OP, I'm sorry but there's no helping you here. You're not going to listen, you're just going to keep going thinking this guy is so amazing and buying into all his bullshit.
Hopefully when this all goes to shit you won't be too bitter or damaged because I can tell you OP, there is nothing about this guy that means he'll be your first good relationship.
Hopefully this will be the one that teaches you a lesson though and you can break the pattern. Or maybe you're just one of those women who go through life always thinking she can save the bad boy, that she's so special she can heal a broken man. Best of luck OP, you're going to need it.
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